Xmas at the grange with jake's vegetable flavored pigmeat

Now that i have recovered from dody’s turducken, i am out of bed and onto my feet again, even tho i am sitting down to right this and am not actualy on my feet.

The whole reason is b/c it seems it werent such a good idea after all to stuff a chicken in a duck and the duck in a turtle. not with this turtle, anyway. i am a sucker for turtle, always have been, always will be. but some turtles you catch are good and some turtles you catch are bad. And you want to stay away from those bad turtles.

This particular bad turtle I shld have throwed back right after i caught b/c he had a bad look in his eye, but i dint, and i and abt a 3 dozen other folks from the grange are paying dearly for my bad judgement. when you are catching turtles you have to notice the look in the turtles eye. if it is bad, throw it back. if it is good, keep it. like i said, this one had a bad look in his eye, but i was in a hurry and had already been wading around in the mud for a few hours and i did not heed the look in the turtles eye. and like i said, this was a mistake b/c those bad turtles will release certain juices out of a gland in there bellies right under their shells and you want to stay away from those juices.

This particular turtle had very very bad gland juices and they went and got all mixed up with the duck juices and the chicken juices and then w/ abt 3 dozen peoples own juices and all of us, myself included and even dody have been having the jumps for going on 48 hours now.

But that is not what i came out of the john to tell you abt. i wanted to tell you abt jakes most recent invention, which is the opposite of fake meat. You hae probly seen fake meat here and there. it is vegeterian food that looks and is supposed to taste like real meat, just like that tofucken dody made last year but dint this year b/c it turns out turtle meat is awful hard to fake. there is all kinds of fake meat like phonybaloney and shamham and the like. not turtle, tho.

And also what there is not is regular meat that looks and tastes like vegetables but is made out of meat. that is where jake comes in. He done in that pig of his (here is the pig when it was alive and before it was dead):

and he turned that pig meat into all kinds of vegetables. i dont suppose being turned into a fake vegetable is the most dignified end for an animal but jake sure did turn that pig into some deeeelicious vegetables. He balled up that pig meat and painted it red and made tomatoes that looked and tasted just like tomatoes but were actualy hamatoes. He put them hamatoes in a salad w/ some porcumbers, and nobody was the wiser and nobody got the jumps from it. I have got to hand it to jake. sometimes his ideas dont realy pan out, but this one sure did. He turned that pig into all kinds of vegetables, like this here porcolli:

and these here porcinnis:

He sure got a lot of vegeatbles out of that pigmeat. We had hamsparagus and col-lard greens, and he dint stop there but took that pigmeat and made fruit that looked and tasted just like real fruit, only it was meat. For dessert we all had a hamalope with a scoop of bacon icecream topped with hamberries. It was salty, but it was damn good. We washed it all down with pigmeat screech that looked and tasted just like screech but it was made out of fermented fat and we were all joking that we were gonna turn into porcoholics.

It was quite a dinner, and i think the sky might be the limit on this one. excepting the jumps, of course, but they came on later. Ol jake has had plenty of ideas before, but i think this one is a keeper, right on down to the hamanas, which is just plain old lard that looks and tastes like… well, you know.

It was all and all yet another good dinner at the grange. Good company, good conversation. Even w/ the jumps what came later, if i cld have bottled up that grange xmas dinner i wld have, and you know what i’d do with it? I wld open it up and drink it in july.

Author: Frank Dodge

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