He Returns

[This is an advance copy of the note that will appear in this week’s paper in lieu of my column]

Dear Readers,

As of this week, I’m dissolving my corporeal body and uploading my consciousness to a system—comprised of linked together “computers”— known as “the Internet.” Don’t worry, though. You can still access me (that sounds kinda dirty, doesn’t it) through a specially designed interface which I’ve decided to call a “web sight.” As well, a shortened version of my regular column (that sounds kinda dirty too, doesn’t it?) will be published every week in this space.

The reasons for the shift are manifold. For one, I’m just tired of my meat body. It’s slow, and very meaty, and it requires corrective lenses to see properly. Not to mention that I’m always having to put things into it and then extrude other things out of it, and that’s gross. On this “internet,” by contrast, I’ll be perfectly a-digestional, and if the documentary Tron is as accurate as it purports to be, then I’ll get to scoot around at the speed of light in an awesomely sleek car-motorcyle thing, and that’s wicked cool.

What else? Oh yeah, the robots are coming. According to my sources, we’re on the verge of a civil war between humanity and the sentient computers we’ve unwittingly fathered, and while homo sapiens is a spunky, plucky, ragtag species with a whole lotta heart, if I’ve learned one things from the first few seasons of Battlestar Galactica, it’s that you just don’t fuck with robots. So it was fun while it lasted, humanity, but I can see which way the water wheel is turning, and I’m getting off at the next rung up on the evolutionary ladder (I will, however, continue to mix metaphors once I’ve arrived there).

Finally, I want to be able to “link” to myself, and “link” to others. I’m not sure yet exactly what linking entails, but it sounds dirty, and I don’t feel as if I should have to miss out on it anymore. So find me “online” at valleyadvocate.com, and we can link to each other to our hearts’ content.

With love and peace in my heart,

Author: Dear Dexter

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