I have saved 6 months of haircuts in a hairbag along w/ my fingernail clippings and toe nail clippings, and since it has been warm enough the last few days that I and Dody got the garden dug and Jake tilled up his plot I put that hair and those clippings all around the garden. It is important to do this in a timely manner each year b/c we have got an ominous problem on the horizon which is that there are three deers that have made themselves way too comfortable and we do not want them in the garden. These 3 deers are bad news. They are fearless and seem to have cozied up to that beefalo we have yet to slaughter and these 3 deers just parade on thru like they own the place. Which, being as they are animals and live outdoors, i spose they do. But my point is that usually my hair and toenails and peeing around the garden keeps the deers away but so far this year the magic looks to be gone out of my hair and toenails and whatnot.
So what I and jake did was go to the hardware store and buy some concentrated urine since mine is not doing the trick. I got coyote urine but jake got bobcat urine. The idea is you squirt this urine on trees and suchlike and the deer will get scared and go away. I do not know how they get the urine from the coyotes and bobcats, but i spose that is something i do not want to know anyhow. What i do know is that i am glad that gathering coyote urine is not my job, but if it was and my boss said "Frank, which wld you rather do today, gather the coyote urine or the bobcat urine?" I think I wld choose bobcat.
Anyway, I and jake and dody decided to give the concentrated urine a try, but i will tell you what: i do not suggest that after you buy yourself a quart of concentrated coyote urine that you open it in the cab of yr truck to see what it smells like. And i also do not suggest that after you open and immediately close the quart of concentrated coyote urine and say to yr neighbor that concentrated coyote urine is abt as bad a smell as you have ever smelled and that when yr neighbor says, "I bet concentrated bobcat urine smells worse than concentrated coyote urine" that you do NOT let him uncap the concentrated bobcat urine b/c yr neighbor is liable to spill the concentrated bobcat urine on himself just exactly like you have seem him do a thousand times w/ cans of beer and soda and jars of pickles. b/c then despite the terrible smell you are likely to laugh at him for spilling concentrated bobcat urine all over himself, at which point he will throw his entire quart of bobcat urine at you right there in the cab of yr truck, and then while he realizes that he has done a truly awful thing and is fumbling w/ his seat belt to get out of the truck as quickly as possible you will likely lose yr temper and throw a quart of concentrated coyote urine at him, and then you will both leave the truck gagging and choking and fall onto the sidewalk and will have to sit there for an hour and a half while yr truck airs out and you smell like a pack of coyotes and bobcats used you for their toilet.
Anyway, that is what happened and i hope it never happens to you. This happened on Sunday and i have still not got the smell out and nobody not even dody will come anywhere near me except jake. And i do not want to get sentimental but i do think that a good true friend is someone who will sit w/ you while you watch 3 deers waltz thru the garden you just planted w/ spinach and peas and broccoli, looking for all the world like they are reading a menu in a fancy restaraunt. And a good friend will sit w/ you even tho you smell head to toe like concentrated coyote piss, even if it is his damn fault and even if he does smell like concentrated bobcat piss himself. Not that I can really tell, of course.
