Spring Flings

Today I went to the Bulb Show at Smith College’s greenhouse. Maybe it was the sticky humidity, the intoxicating floral scent, or the suggestive cacti towering next to the quivering folds of pink orchids, but it was the first time in quite a while that I’ve felt hot enough to shed a few layers in public.

Seems like spring has sprung. And, apparently, so have some other things.

College campuses are the perfect place to earn extra canoodling credit. You’re virtually uncatchable in between balcony seats in auditoriums, football fields give you plenty of tackling room, tennis courts are firm yet bouncy (great qualities in anything sexual), dance studios are equipped with cozy dressing rooms and a naughtily narcissistic wall of mirrors, and doing it in a empty classroom is a great way to increase your concentration during morning snooze-fest history classes, as your professor is bound to mistake your hunt for last night’s blackboard handprints as grade-A focus.

While the public sex classics are classic for good reason, it is always important to keep their pitfalls in mind. Sex on the beach isn’t a good drink or a well-thought-out idea, though the ladies of Sports Illustrated sure make it look easy. But, come on: think realistically about sticky, wet surfaces plus sand. If you think it’s unpleasant getting it in your beach picnic sandwich, just think how quickly it could ruin a good genital sandwich. Instead, elevate your seaside session into a lifeguard chair, which will let you keep the crashing wave soundtrack while guarding the wellbeing of some key sensitive places.

Getting it on anywhere you work is a great way to relieve professional animosity and stress, though sweeping everything off of your desk to bend your secretary over the blotter is more of an organizational disaster than the movies would have you think. Also, in this job market, it might be a better idea to just go home than to get fired for getting caught “testing out the back support” of your boss’s new desk chair.

When adding a plot twist to your movie theater date, the back corner seats do offer great darkness and privacy and the loudspeakers are sure to drown out any auditory slipups. Just make sure to choose your movie wisely. You may scare your sweetie trying to make a move to Saw IV, and doing anything R-rated during a PG flick is just plain wrong. Stick to amping up sexy thrillers or anything with a Wild Things-esque lesbian pool scene.

While the mile-high club was once an exclusive group, the new generation of titillated travelers will tell you there’s nothing sexy about a cramped, stinky stall, that weird blue goo in the toilet, or being taken down by a flight attendant who mistakes your secret lavatory meeting for a plan to attack a pilot.

Bathrooms in general may be a great place to get a little public privacy, but they’re also a place worth being choosy about. Wash your hands before and after any frisking.

The great outdoors are always worth exploring. Trees make great doggie-style supports, a sun-kissed boulder next to a babbling brook is romantic and a perfectly trim golf course green is clear of any tree branch-related hazards. Just watch out for poison ivy, leeches and late-night tee-offs.

Mall dressing rooms are much easier to sneak two (or more) people into than they should be, offer strategic mirror placement, and come in an array of backdrops that’ll please anyone, from the bouncy Banana Republic babe to the budget-conscious Old Navy type.

Washer and dryers happily contribute to your thunder down under and, at a buck fifty a load, are much cheaper than actual vibrators. Naughty librarians will get off on the pressure to “Shhh”; you should take a break and stay awake for safety’s sake as the highway patrol suggests and pull over for a quick stick-shifting; and your balcony makes a great introduction to public sex, since “Technically, honey, we’re still in the comfort of our own home!”

They say, “April showers bring May flowers.” Some things have to get wet in order to bloom, that’s for sure. Happy Spring!

Yana Tallon-Hicks

Author: Yana Tallon-Hicks

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