So you want to get spanked. Maybe called some dirty words. You want to get tied up, see her in a cheerleader’s uniform or bark like a dog for him. The easy answer is “Just do it,” but this isn’t a Nike ad, this is your sex life. And the fear that our desires are “weird” or “just plain wrong” often prevents us from getting what we really want. One of the biggest barriers to your hottest sex life is a lack of communication. Well, it’s time to speak up.
Fantasize first. Masturbate! You’re touching yourself for some reason — what is it? Is it doable? (Renting a spaceship may be hard, but adding some glowing stars to the ceiling is easy.) Is this something you actually want to do with your partner, or just a fantasy? Now that you’ve got your desires down, it’s time to talk. Though it’s best to talk straightforwardly to your partner about what you want outside of a sexual situation, telling your sweetie “I want you to walk on me with stilettos” over dinner can be awkward. Luckily, there are sexier ways to share your wishes.
Watch porn. Each of you choose a title that appeals to you individually, then watch them together. Talk about what you think is hot and what you want to try, or play along, mimicking together what you see on-screen. (See my previous column, “Naughty Films for the Nice Couple,” September 16, 2010, for title suggestions.)
Talk dirty. For some, this in itself can be the spice of the sex life. For others, this helps spark conversation about hard-to-broach desires. Putting someone else’s words in your mouth can increase your sexy vocabulary and ease fears that you’ll “say something stupid.”
Read erotica to each other, focusing on themes you’d like to see in your own sex life. Cleis Press has great themed selections such as Do Not Disturb: Hotel Sex Stories and Bottoms Up: Spanking Good Stories (cleispress.com). For an educational spin, read Carol Queen’s Exhibitionism for the Shy, which includes explicit instruction on dirty talk, discovering your sexual alias and sharing desires with partners.
When it comes time to actually spit out the filth, start with some faceless frisk. Slip a naughty note in his jacket pocket or shoot her a “sext” message, giving a hint of things to come. Once in the sack, focus on concrete examples. Talk about what’s currently happening (“I love it when you _____ my ____ like that!”), what you’d like to do next (a simple “harder” can do the trick), flattering observations (“Oh, my God, your ____ is so ____ right now!”), or what’s happening in your imagination (“I can’t stop thinking about you ____ ing me!”). Throw in some strategic name-calling for a little extra raunch. The more turned on you both are, the easier the kinky conversation comes.
Dress the part. It’s amazing, the kind of bedroom behavior a pair of crotchless panties can bring out in a person. If you feel naughty and inhibition-less, chances are you’ll act that way. Experiment with different costumes or roles from the basic “two strangers in a library” to the complex “Princess Leia and Luke Skywalker.” Once you get past the stage fright, you’ll be rooting for an encore.
Get out of your element. It’s understandable that it may be hard to feel freaky in the same room you watch the news in. Rent a room, even if only for a couple of hours. You’ll feel like you’re having a forbidden tryst, and it’s often easier to try new things in an unfamiliar bed.
Finally, stay true to yourself and your relationship. Just because you were “lustful vampire” and “unsuspecting victim” for a few hours doesn’t mean you’re not also loving parents picking the kids up from school who still enjoy good old missionary when the lights go out. Pace yourselves and check in with each other about what you did and didn’t like. If one person’s just not into it, chances are it won’t work; after all, the hottest sex meets all parties’ desires.
Next week? Beginner’s BDSM. Now we’re talking…