God Help Us Get Off

My Christian high school-attending wife’ll tell you I suck at religion. A born-and-bred apathetic atheist, I wouldn’t know the difference between a Catholic and a Protestant if God smote me with a lightning bolt himself. Because the Bible doesn’t exactly work for me and my “lifestyle choices,” I usually avoid it and its loyal fans. So, hypocritically, like the zealots who assume that the flamboyance of a gay pride parade reflects the daily routines of every gay person in America, I’ve always assumed that Christians hate dildos. Well, Marc Agenent certainly showed me!

Former Dutch pastor Marc Agenent recently opened an online sex toy store, “Love Garden,” that carries select products that are “suitable for the majority of Christians.” After 23 years as a minister to a congregation of young, married couples whining that their sex lives were a total snooze-fest, Agenent decided to ditch the robes to sell sex toys which he hopes will combat Christian “lust phobia.”

Though I don’t recall the part in the Bible where Jesus turns water into lube, Agenent assures us that cultivating lust in Adam and Eve’s garden is a healthy part of the Christian faith… as long as you use his Christian-approved sex toys.

Love Garden is void of “offensive, pornographic” images and, though it stocks dildos and vibrators, won’t sell you porn or BDSM paraphernalia. Otherwise, you can choose from “Man” or “Woman” categories that each feature a sad handful of items. While the vibrator section has a nice selection of high-end, rechargeable Lelo vibes (because God keeps it classy), the dildo selection is abysmal. One glass dildo complete with testicles, one pink fit for Dr. Seuss’ Lorax and the Lelo Ella dildo—all unharnessable—makes me think that the Christian community really is as lesbian-free as they pretend to be.

A sad array of “G-Spot” toys has me questioning God’s anatomy knowledge as there’s no way in H-E-Double Hockey Stick that a tiny bullet vibrator is going to reach my G-Spot. It has me wondering —are these particular products reminiscent of the Bible because they only took seven days and nights to slap together, or is it because you’ve got to pray that they’ll actually get you off?

God must be a dude, because the “Male” categories are more impressive, boasting sections for cockrings, “erection tools” and—most surprisingly—masturbation and prostate stimulation! What with the gay-hating and everything, I always thought that putting something up your unholy holey would be considered unholy but, according to a website called themarriagebed.com, “Many believe that the Bible speaks against [anal intercourse], but it does not. Homosexual anal sex is forbidden, but then so is homosexual manual sex or even homosexual kissing—thus we cannot use homosexuality as a way of proving that anal sex is wrong.” Phew! I know I’ve been saying this forever, but now it’s biblically official ? a gay man’s penis is not the only thing you can use to stimulate your prostate. What a relief.

I’m thrilled to see that Christian men are allowed to enjoy a little booty-loving via an excellent anal toy like the Naughty Boy. However, I’d stay away from Love Garden’s “Colt Anal Vibrator” because without a flared base it’ll definitely take a small act of God to get this straight, smooth toy out of your butt once it certainly gets sucked in. Actually, with a fuller insertable end and anal-safe flange, you’d be better of with the Baby Jesus Butt Plug which, though sadly not featured on Love Garden, is very real indeed.

Another happy surprise is that even though the Bible epically yammers on about a guy named Onan selfishly “wasting his seed,” Agenent says it’s cool to masturbate and recommends you do so in some weird, inflatable plastic bag he sells, creepily called a “Willaboo.” Many Christians, he says, have zero relationship with their own bodies and masturbation can actually lead to a healthier sexual relationship with yourself and your partner—well, unless your partner is an S&M-loving, porn-watching dude, because then you’ll really be screwed.

Yana Tallon-Hicks

Author: Yana Tallon-Hicks

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