In Your Dreams, Pervert!

I find it strange when my subconscious offers me a sex dream, especially after I spend most of my waking hours reading, writing, watching and talking sex. Like, hello, Subconscious—what else is there to tell me about sex that I haven’t thought about already?

Turns out that though the average adult spends 8 percent of their dreaming time on the dirty, the dirtiest dreams are actually pretty clean in terms of what they’re trying to tell you. So don’t hire yourself a therapist just yet.

Sex with someone random or unappealing: You don’t really want to bang that weirdo who always stares at you in class. But that person’s got a quality you admire and want for yourself. Maybe that weirdo’s acing Feminism 101 or maybe you secretly want to be a weirdo, too.

You and your real-life partner want to do it… bad… but just can’t find a place to get down: This represents a loss of intimacy in your relationship. Many people have this dream right before or after a break-up, but it doesn’t always mean the end. Examine your relationship for conflicting goals or interests that could cause future obstacles.

Cheating on your mate: You’ve probably just taken a major leap with your partner, like moving in. You don’t necessarily regret it; your brain’s just letting you process those normal “What ifs” and “The exit sign will illuminate in case of a lovemergency.” Right?

Your mate cheating: Are you feeling resentful and emotionally abandoned? Poor baby.

Ryding Ryan Gosling’s gosling: Well, you probably want to do him for real. But if you’re single, your brain’s reminding you of all the hotties out there for you to date. And if you’re coupled up, Ryan Gosling’s got a desirable trait your mate lacks. Like 8-pack abs. Or a beautiful face. Or millions of dollars. Or hottie hotness.

Public sex: If you’ve got sexy stage-fright, you’re paranoid that people are bad-mouthing your relationship. And there’s probably a reason why. If you’re loving the limelight, you’ve got a spicy, satisfying sex life you’re dying to brag about.

Flying while getting freaky: Last night’s booty call must have been pretty fantastic, because your brain’s celebrating some mind-blowing sex or emotional high by providing you with similar, thrilling sensations of climax through faux flight.

Getting 50 Shades with your boss: You’re not titillated by toupees. You want to be more authoritative and assertive.

Keeping it in the family: Gross!! Good thing this really just symbolizes your attempt to resolve family conflict or failures in your real-life, non-incestuous romantics.

Sex with the ex: This is your attempt at resolution. Or, if you’ve already happily moved on with another, things might be getting a little boring and you need to stir the pot.

Pursuing someone off-limits: Canoodling with your friend’s partner? You bitch! Actually, you just wish your own partner or relationship had a quality you see in your friend’s. That bitch!

More like 50 Shades of Gay: Girl-on-girl indicates a celebration of femininity and occurs more frequently during pregnancy. Guy-on-guy surely causes more epically phobic “OMG does this mean I’m gay?!” freak-outs, but these dreams usually happen directly following a dude’s struggle with his lady and symbolizes his need for the understanding and comfort only a bromance can provide. As for us queers having heterosexual dream sex, well, I couldn’t find any information about this, because we’re not taught to fear that kind of sexuality. So we just have our wet dream and move on.

Masturbation: Book the spa because you haven’t been taking care of yourself.

Visions of vibrators: Dreaming of sex toys either means you’re unsatisfied with something or your subconscious is poking fun at you by drawing attention to the playful part of sex. Lighten up!

Threesomes: Again, what are you lacking? If you’re third wheel’s feminine, it’s something emotional. If masculine, it’s physical.

But then again, maybe all these sex dreams just mean you really need to get laid.•

Yana Tallon-Hicks

Author: Yana Tallon-Hicks

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