About a year ago my girlfriend told me that she thinks she’s bi and that it was important for her to explore sex with women. So, I know at this point, as a dude, I’m supposed to go all crazy excited about a three-way, but I had a lot of reservations and asked for time to think about it. She brought it up again a couple months back, saying that it was selfish of me to deny her an opportunity to explore her sexuality because of my fears. Basically, I gave her a hall pass.
She decided that she wanted the experience to include me, so we started pursuing a three-way. We fooled around with a mutual friend for a bit and it was great for all parties, but it didn’t work out long-term. We aren’t totally sure how to proceed as far as pursuing other options. My girlfriend set up an OKCupid profile, but we’ve been together for over 10 years and so other than drunken, teenage hook-ups, I have no idea what we’re doing. While my girlfriend is really just looking for sex, I’d like someone that I feel comfortable also hanging out with.
You’re right. Most people are probably scoffing aloud at this particular column — poor baby Menage-a-Trepidatious has a bisexual babe and can’t decide which lovely lady to menage first — boo hoo! But it’s also true that finding a third wheel — let alone a good and safe one — is tricky business.
As bi-curiosity, open relationships and threesomes become more acceptable, the couple-looking-for-a-third market is getting … saturated. Sure, you and your GF are essentially interviewing for a third, but many open couples forget that they should also put effort into making themselves the best couple to join. The most important thing is for you and your girlfriend to get on the same page before you even start trolling for a trois. This means putting in the work to validate your girlfriend’s sexuality exploration, but also to address your understandable fears and reservations. Whether or not you decide to open your relationship, a 10-year commitment to each other comes with expectations and emotions that need to be honored no matter how freaky y’all want to get.
Create a list of what you both want out of your threesome experience, including emotional connections and specific sex acts that are on or off limits. It sounds like your girlfriend can “just sleep with” a variety of people without emotional connection while, for you, some sort of personal connection is important. This is a valuable filter for the two of you to use when menage-a-hunting. Your ability to connect should be prioritized in light of her purely physical criteria, which seem more easily satisfied.
OKCupid is a great place to start, but don’t make a generic “couple’s profile” featuring minimal information and faceless body shots. Make separate profiles for each of you, introducing yourselves in the same way you would if you were single. Make your threesome intentions clear and link to each other’s profiles. This way, the adventurous ladies of OKC can actually decide if they’re interested in sleeping with the two of you as people. You don’t want to just bank on someone interested in any ol’ threesome opportunity that comes along anyway.
Going through your Rolesex of open-minded friends is a fine option, but avoid co-workers and close friends. An acquaintance offers the best of both worlds. You know they’re not some serial threesome killer, but it won’t be the worst if things get weird and you never see them again.
Don’t forget you’re not the only couple threesome-hunting! Here in Northampton, Western Mass Poly People holds a growing monthly group meet-up for folks in open relationships. Read my favorite book about open relationships, Opening Up by Tristan Taormino. Even if you don’t identify your relationship as “open,” it advises on how to communicate about sticky subjects like threesomes. Finally, if/when you do get down with a third wheel, make sure to schedule a special date night with you and your GF to reconnect afterwards. The best threesome-havers know that the relationship work doesn’t stop when the orgasms have been had.