I’ve been seeing a great guy for almost a year now who lives one and a half hours away. We’ve seen each other less than 15 times in the past year and I do 90 percent of the driving. We talk all the time through texts, but almost every weekend we make plans and every time he’s canceled for work. I thrive off physical contact so this long distance has been really hard. When we do see each other, we usually cuddle because it’s so wonderful to just be around him.
The few times we have had sex, it’s always a fast, unromantic affair. I’ve never once had an orgasm when having sex. I try my best to help myself during sex, but have yet to have an experience that I actually enjoyed. I know he’s very into the BDSM (bondage, domination, sadism, and masochism) scene, but I haven’t seen any of that from him yet. I’m also really interested in the BDSM scene and I think having that vulnerability would help me to reach an actual orgasm.
My question is: How do I get our physical relationship from blah to great? Our sex is fast and boring and I would love for him to take his time — some foreplay wouldn’t hurt! But I’m not sure how to bring that up with him. It seems impossible to create intimacy when we never see each other, but I’m sure there have to be other people out there who have managed intimacy at a distance.
From your question I can tell that you’re a loving lady who puts a lot of thought, time, and care into your relationships: committing to someone so far away; doing all of the driving; remaining patient through countless cancellations; clearing your weekends regardless; wading through a boring, blah, unromantic, fast-and-pleasureless sex life (and only 15 times in a year!) … the list goes on about what you’ve endured for this guy.
You say your question is, “How do I get our physical relationship from blah to great?” but I’m sorry, GEHR, this is not the question to be asking. The real question here is, “Why?” Why are you going the distance (literally!) to maintain this semblance of activities roughly resembling a relationship when this man clearly isn’t doing the same for you?
The answer to this question is surely not simple and certainly personal to you and may take some soul-searching with a good therapist or friend. But let’s start with what you want: a close physical relationship; slower, romantic sex that you enjoy; foreplay!; orgasms!; intimacy; the space to communicate your desires; BDSM exploration.
You are entitled to all of these things. And it’s absolutely possible to have a partner provide you with all of these things. But this guy isn’t up to the job. If this guy can’t even show up on a weekend every now and then, he certainly can’t sate more complex desires like communication, orgasms, and BDSM. BDSM is fun and exciting and it’s also an incredibly intimate, trusting and boundary-drawing-and-pushing act. This guy’s actions prove that these are all things he cannot do. And cannot do for/with you.
Oftentimes, kinky folk get it in their heads that their pool of “fishes” is suddenly smaller so they lower their standards. There are only a few thousand kinky fish in the proverbial dating sea, they think, so once they catch one they consider themselves so lucky that they ignore their other needs — wishing their partner was kinky and simultaneously caring, intimate, kind, hot, wealthy, funny, and whatever else seems overly gratuitous. But it isn’t. You can and deserve to have everything you want.
My advice for you, GEHR, is to create an online dating profile on FetLife. On this profile list all of the things you want. All of the things you desire. And when you start getting messages, make no concessions — find someone to date who has all of the things that you want.
Cut the rope with this guy.•