It’s been a few years since I last got laid. Lately I’ve been trying to use OKCupid to look for a hookup. I also tried using Craigslist personals, but that didn’t go anywhere. While on OKCupid I email women asking if they want to chat, but I don’t get a reply in return. Many don’t even look at the message. I just don’t know what to do anymore.
I’m an introvert and never had that many friends so it hasn’t been easy for me. I used to go out to the bars locally or in downtown Springfield, but I usually ended up doing the driving and didn’t get to socialize much because I’m shy when talking to women.
Do you have any advice on what I could do?
Being a shy, introverted dude attempting to navigate the cocky, charming, testosterone-fueled world of modern hook-up culture isn’t easy. It sounds like online dating could be a really useful tool for you to use as it’s intentionally set up for people to hit on other people from the relative safety of their iPhones — no extroversion required.
However, though you’ve found the right tool to use, perhaps you just haven’t quite learned how to use it well. Just because I took my local sex columnist’s advice and bought a fancy new vibrator, for example, doesn’t mean I’m going to be having incredible orgasms if I don’t first learn how to turn it on, right? Same idea.
What I’m wondering, BA, is what do your OKCupid messages actually look like? Now, I’ve been a woman on OKCupid before: The sheer volume of messages received daily is overwhelming — most from straight men and most saying something along the lines of “sup?”, “let’s bang,” and other repetitive, repulsive comments too offensive to even print here.
I’m not assuming that you’re being a creepy troll like these men, but I am saying that if you don’t put a little effort into your messages, it’s damn easy for the women of OKCupid to lump you in with the rest of ’em. So, BA, how can you not be a creepy OKCupid troll?
Looking for a casual hook-up is a totally acceptable and fun mission to be on, BA. But not wanting a serious relationship doesn’t mean the women you want to sleep with aren’t also people. So, though it may seem in-line with your search for a one-bang-hang to shoot over a quick message like “Hey! Sex?” this probably won’t get you far.
Actually read your message recipients’ OKCupid profiles and mention something about them in your message. Use words like “casual,” “light-hearted,” and “non-monogamous” instead of “bang,” “get it in,” or “hit it and quit it.”
Propose an activity you can do together to get to know each other at least a little before you lose the clothes and add the lube. This could be grabbing a drink or taking a walk in the Smith College gardens. Casual sex doesn’t need to be a boring, depersonalized experience to be casual.
Remember that even online dating and one-night-stands are still consensual activities. Though many men’s magazines and “how-tos” often preach about “how to get her to …” and “make her think that …” you shouldn’t be trying to trick anyone into dating you. Instead, put yourself and your dating desires out there with the goal of finding out if the woman you’re interested in is also interested in the casual hook-up experience you are. Be genuine.
Up your chances of finding a compatible connection by swimming in the right dating pools. I’m thinking you’re more well-suited for Tinder. While OKCupid is used for both hook-ups and more serious dating, Tinder is designed to get straight to the goods. The swiping is merciless, the words are few, and the DTF are plentiful. More often than not, people are on Tinder because they, like you, BA, just want to get laid. And because that’s what they came for on Tinder, you’re less likely to seem like a warty old troll when you ask someone for just that.
Finally, stay the hell off of Craigslist personals, BA. Because there’s no better way to solidify yourself as a creep than to search for sex on the same website peddling used mattresses.•