The V-Spot: Can I Ask my GF to Stop Using Her Vibrator?

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With previous girlfriends it’s been easier over time to bring them to orgasm as I get to know their preferences and bodies, however my current girlfriend owns a Hitachi Magic Wand that she has been using for nine months.

It’s significantly more difficult now to bring her to orgasm with only fingers compared with a year ago. Has she lost clitoral sensitivity through using it? It’s now even at the point where the Hitachi isn’t enough stimulation and orgasms seem to be harder to reach.

Also, since getting the vibrator her attitude toward sex has been to lie down, use it, and have me do the rest. I’m all for being dominating sometimes, but sometimes you just want mutual participation in sex. Is it okay to ask her not to use it?

Your question rings of many other questions I’ve gotten in my years as The Neighborhood Sexpert: Can I get addicted to my vibrator? Will the ultra powerful vibrations of the Hitachi ruin me for other types of sex? Will my girlfriend’s vibrator replace me?

Usually when a dude scoffs at my suggestion that he get his girlfriend a vibrator (“Pssh! She doesn’t need that — she has me!”) I put on my best mock-surprise face and exclaim, “Wow! Your dick vibrates? That’s awesome!” And often a dude’s aversion to his girlfriend’s sex toy pisses me off. But yours, FSH, doesn’t! Sex toys add a wonderful variety to our sexual stimulation repertoire that might not be available to us given our anatomy: Dildos offer us customizable sizes and shapes, vibrators allow us the concentrated clitoral stimulation necessary to reach orgasm, etc.

When used in a way that suits both partners, sex toys enhance sexual interaction, not detract from it. The reason why your question doesn’t ruffle my feathers is because I think you get this, FSH. I can tell that you’re a considerate sexual partner. You take the time to get to know your partners’ bodies before expecting orgasms. You understand what makes the clitoris tick. And you welcome a sex toy to be reckoned with like the Hitachi into your bedroom without fear. Kudos! You’re also the kind of partner who wants to be included in the sex he’s having with his girlfriend. Completely justified. If my boyfriend wanted our sex to be him jerking off and me just sitting there eating popcorn, maybe I’d be open to that occasionally. But if he was handing me a bowl of Pop Secret every single night I wouldn’t be pleased.

Having sex is a mutual pleasure endeavor, so if your girlfriend’s Hitachi time doesn’t feel mutually pleasurable for you; absolutely speak up.

As for the clit-numbing power of the Hitachi — which I’ll describe as belt-sander strong — it’s helpful to look at it like salt. If you regularly add tons of salt to your food, unsalted food will start tasting a little bland. As your tastebuds get used to the saltiness, it’ll take more salt to make the food taste salty-savory. This doesn’t mean you can never enjoy unsalted food again, but it might mean that you need to cut down on the salt a little to allow your tastebuds to stop expecting lots of salt in order to dub the food good-tasting. The Hitachi isn’t breaking your girlfriend’s clit — it’s just conditioning it to expect that particular kind of stimulation to orgasm.

So my advice is to talk about your desires. Ask your girlfriend to take a Hitachi break to re-train her body to respond to other types of inclusive stimulation. And if not, pass me the popcorn. And the salt.•

Yana Tallon-Hicks is a pleasure positive sex educator and writer in the Pioneer Valley. She has a website bursting with advice, workshops, and sexual health resources at yanatallonhicks.com.

Yana Tallon-Hicks

Author: Yana Tallon-Hicks

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