Bizzaro Briefs: Holy Bong Water

Two churches in San Jose, California, have a whole new take on the Bible’s burning bush. In Coachella Valley Church, cannabis is treated as a sacrament. For a $10 donation you get an identification card and become a lifetime member, with access to a store in the back of the church. Authorities think that the churches are fronts for dispensaries, which, let’s be honest, is probably true given their television advertisement features Jesus hitting a bong.

He Can’t Say That!

In what may be — somehow — this year’s most compelling argument for hiring a media relations specialist, trivia app HQ’s CEO and Vine co-founder Rus Yusupov took exception to a planned Daily Beast profile piece on the app’s spokesman, Scott Rogowsky. According to Yusupov, Rogowsky isn’t authorized to give interviews on his personal life and especially isn’t allowed to discuss his favorite salad chain, because “We do not have a brand deal with Sweetgreen! Under no circumstances can he say that.”

He can’t even say that he loves his job without putting that job in jeopardy, the Daily Beast’s article explains. “Asked for clarification, Yusupov replied that Rogowsky was absolutely not allowed to say that he ‘enjoys making people happy and giving them the trivia they want.’”

That’s Sir Chief Mouser to you

This cool cat rose from a life on the streets to a cushy job at a British embassy: “Chief Mouser.” Lawrence of Abdoun reports directly to the British Foreign Office, and works at the U.K. Embassy to Jordan. Apparently, official office cats are a tradition in British ministry offices, a tradition we think everyone should adopt. In the meantime, the black-and-white diplomatic feline is on Twitter at  @LawrenceDipCat.

Face Palm

You know how Mondays make you feel like everything is stacked against you? No one had a worse Monday than one cameraman at The Weather Channel last week who lost his perfect shot to an unfortunately-timed bus. The cameraman was live streaming the controlled implosion of the Georgia Dome for about 40 minutes, and then just as the first wisps of smoke came out of the building, an Atlanta city bus pulled up and blocked his shot. The bus pulled away after the building collapsed, much to the dismay of the reporter. If he can get through his Monday, you can get through yours.

Intersolar Tourist

Here’s a story that puts the inconvenience of holiday travel in perspective. An asteroid that was seen passing by the sun in October was confirmed by scientists to be a traveler from a different solar system. Astronomers named the object Oumuamua after a Hawaiian word for scout or messenger. The object is really dark, absorbing 96 percent of the light that hits it. Scientists think that the object could be made of hydrocarbons, which are the building blocks of life. It also appears to be similar to asteroids in our solar system, which could indicate that there are similar conditions in other parts of the galaxy.

“That was fast…”

Not content with simply driving drunk, a man in La Grande, Washington, drove while drunk, naked, and having sex with a woman. During the high-speed intercourse, the man missed a curve and struck a tree. The woman was hospitalized with broken bones. The man was charged with felony driving under the influence, vehicular assault, and child endangerment — a three-month old child was in the back seat, but was uninjured in the crash.

A Wide Escape

Three African elephants were rescued from a tractor trailer fire in Georgia. Once the truck pulled over, the owners got the elephants safely to the side of the highway to munch on some hay while firefighters battled the flames. The elephants were described as huge, but well behaved, and officers were advised to kill their sirens before approaching the scene to not spook them.

Grim Reaper Instagram PSA

Instagram — home to photos of sunsets and your friends’ dinners that’ll make your inner hipster smile with positivity. But among the happy faces lurks a grim reminder. The Swim Reaper is an Instagram star like no other. This angel of death can be seen near scenic bodies of water warning people about what not to do in or around water that might result in your premature demise. The Swim Reaper is the brainchild of Water Safety New Zealand, a national organization tasked with informing the country on water safety. About 114,000 people in the world currently follow this angel of death by water on Instagram.

London Runs on Coffee

Coffee is an important ingredient in a lot of people’s daily lives when it comes to not losing their shit. But buses in London are tapping into the caffeinated power drink in a surprising way: they’re using it for fuel. According to the BBC, London buses are now using a biofuel made with oil extracted from used coffee grounds. The coffee oil is mixed with diesel and is used to reduce carbon emissions. Right now, the coffee/gasoline mixture is used in a fraction of London’s buses. Unfortunately, you won’t be smelling the robust aromas of coffee after getting on a London double decker bus because the scent isn’t retained during the fuel mixing process.

Parent, Child, and Holy Non-Gender-Conforming Spirit

In the latest news that Sweden is way ahead of the rest of us, the Church of Sweden will officially no longer use gendered language referring to God as a male. The church is urging clergy members to, instead of using words like “he” and “lord,” to use “God.” If you’re wondering if any American churches will start adopting that, just look at the reception Swedish-style health care has gotten over here.

Have an idea for Bizarro Briefs? Send it to deisen@valleyadvocate.com.

Author: Advocate Staff

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