Bizarro Briefs: Dude, Where’s My Car?

A 19-year-old Canadian went to catch an event at Toronto’s Rogers Centre but was forced to park his Nissan Versa in a garage several miles away from the venue and from there take a cab. But when the show was over, he couldn’t remember where the garage was. Hours later, he finally took a Greyhound bus back home, having failed to find his car. His parents — who appropriately called him “doofy” then took out a Craigslist ad — a sort of missed connection — for his car. A young woman hunted the vehicle down and now the teen and his Nissan are reunited — until his next outing.

 Un-Bear-able!

You know when they say “don’t feed the bears?” It’s good advice on a lot of levels. A woman camping in Centennial Park in Anchorage, Alaska. While she was sleeping a bear totally crashed her tent. She played dead to avoid certain death, but police quickly threw cold water on her epic victory. They issued her a citation for feeding game; they discover food and trash at her campsite. And to add insult to injury, the cops discovered she had a warrant out for a misdemeanor failure-to-appear for disorderly conduct. In one morning, that bear crushed her tent, nearly ate her face and got her arrested on a past disorderly conduct charge. What a jerk.

Eat Lead, Slackers!

Doc Brown is a legend; the 55-year-old of Essex, England, who tried to recreate the Doc’s time experiment … not so much. Recently he took his DeLorean out for a spin and was clocked at 88 mph before being pulled over by the cops. 88 mph is, of course, the speed at which Doc Brown famously claimed his specially designed DeLorean could break the time-space continuum. In Back to the Future, Doc Brown was able to time travel once he hit that magical speed. But despite the English man’s speed, he was unable to travel anywhere but the police station at which he paid his fine.

What is “A Sudden-Death Tie Breaker”?

Jeopardy! had a historic game last week when two players were stumped by the Final Jeopardy! clue and ended up with the same exact score. Alex Trebek had the two players face off in the first ever Jeopardy! sudden-death tiebreaker. While a tiebreaker has been used in tournament play before, this was the first time in the over-30 year run of the popular game show that it has been used during a regular game.

What a Time to be Alive

“Dumpster fire” and “cryptocurrency” were among the hundreds of words added to the Merriam-Webster dictionary on Monday. Other digital finance words also joined the ranks, including “Bitcoin” itself. “Dumpster fire” was added to help news anchors who are running out of ways to describe the state of things and “glamping,” “kombucha,” and “Yorkie-Poo” were added to make sure that Baby Boomers have something to blame Millenials for this week.

I’d like to Thank the Academy …

A man was arrested on Sunday night for allegedly stealing Francis McDormand’s Oscars trophy at the Governors Ball after party. McDormand won Best Actress that evening for her starring role in “Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri.” The suspect could not be reached for comment, but we think he merely wanted something more realistic for his acceptance speeches in the shower.

A Mountain of …

The Denali Mountain in Alaska is North America’s highest peak and features bountiful wildlife and woodland forests, ancient mammoth glaciers, and literal tons of poop. According to a new study by glacier geologist Michael Loso, from 1951 to 2012, approximately 36,000 climbers have left 152,000 to 215,000 pounds of human fecal matter on Kahiltna Glacier, a major route to Denali’s summit. Around 1,100 people climb the mountain every year and about 90 percent of climbers use that route. The poop has become such a problem that since 2007, the U.S. National Park Service has required that people who venture above 14,200 feet must bring portable toilets with them. According to the 10-year study, that poop isn’t decomposing — it’s flung into crevasses and become a part of the glacial mass and then reappears in glacial meltwater.

Flippy the Professional Robot Burger Flipper

The future has arrived with Flippy, the Burger-Flipping Robot. The robot debuted last year, but recently fulfilled the sole purpose of its construct — to flip burgers at a Caliburger restaurant in Pasadena, California. The robot uses thermal imaging and cameras to tell when a burger needs to be flipped or when the heat needs to be dialed back. Flippy can also switch out dirty spatulas for clean ones and scrape the grill. This robot has artificial intelligence, which means it has the capacity to learn over time. Here’s hoping Flippy doesn’t learn how to overthrow the human race, one greasy cholesterol filled patty at a time.

The Most Interesting Species Ever To Be Discovered in a Parking Lot

When most people discover something in a parking lot, it’s usually a dollar bill or a wad of used bubblegum, but one discovery in Japan is putting all other parking lot discoveries to shame. A new species of microscopic tardigrade that’s similar in appearance to Jabba the Hutt, but with no eyes and eight claws, was recently discovered. The species, known as “water bears” are incredibly resilient and can survive even in the vacuum of space. The species was discovered underneath a clump of moss in a concrete parking lot in Tsuruoka-City, Japan, by members of a research team from Jagiellonian University in Poland.

Scholarship Awarded to Teen for Act of Kindness

If this story doesn’t make you feel good, nothing will. Evoni Williams, 18, works at a busy Waffle House in Texas to save money for college. Last week a stranger took a photo of Williams helping to cut up a steak for an elderly gentleman who wasn’t able to, and the photo went viral on Facebook. Williams was awarded a $16,000 scholarship to attend Texas Southern University and hopes to attend and study business management. Here’s hoping we can all take a little inspiration away from Ms. Williams’ story.

Have an idea for Bizarro Briefs? Send it to deisen@valleyadvocate.com.

 

Author: Advocate Staff

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