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Eat My (Birthday) Cake

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Thursday, January 12, 2012

Capricorns (December 22--January 19) are hard-working, goal-oriented and natural-born leaders who, with a dash of stubborn arrogance, have perfected the recipe for hard-earned success. This makes Cappy a loyal provider in lifelong partnerships, as cheating simply undercuts this astrological goat's deliberate climb to the top of whichever mountain she challenges herself to conquer.

Which is why I bagged one as my wife.

I assure you that Capricorn's socially slow start is no indication of what's to come between the sheets. Unwitting partners of this horny animal can often be overwhelmed by the passion that emerges from her calm, cool and collected exterior. A staunch traditionalist who doesn't often take risks, Capricorn is actually an explosive performer wired to be the best at everything (and everyone) she does.

Domineering and with a lust for control, Capricorn is best suited for a sexual partner who genuinely enjoys submission. All you need to do is provide a Capricorn with the right tools for the job and, with her motivation and eye for detail, she'll get it (and you) done just right. Hook Capricorn up with practical basics like the comfortable Spareparts Joque Harness, a thin, sensation-transmitting condom like the Lifestyles Skyn or an organic lube like Hathor Pure, which, coincidentally, boasts Horny Goat Weed as a natural aphrodisiac ingredient. With celebrity Capricorns like Elvis, David Bowie, Joan of Arc and Muhammad Ali, we're clearly in capable hands for a randy ramming.

It's not hard to dive into the sack with Aquarius (January 20--February 18); however, it'll definitely take some maintenance to keep this aquatic sign wet. This sex columnist and sex toy sales-girl shouldn't have to tell you that we Aquarians are known as the eccentric personalities of the zodiac, boasting adjectives like exciting, unpredictable, intellectual, perverse—yes, we're awesome. We seek out the new, unusual and challenging in all areas, including the sexual, which takes up most of our mental pie chart.

If you're a one-trick pony, you won't be riding our waves for long. Keep it adventurous, keep it mentally stimulating and, most importantly, keep it all about us. Don't bother getting us a new sex toy, lube or lingerie. Just buy us a gift certificate to the local sex shop and let us pick something out.

Aquarius's partners can be surprised to learn that we don't actually have the biggest sex drive. We focus on quality, not quantity—though we won't be constantly clawing at your belt buckle, when we do, we mean business, so make sure to do your stretches. Once we've found our match, we're sexually playful and bent on satisfying our partners, so expect to mix some laughter in with those moans. Rarely jealous, we overlook flirtation and are ideal for non-monogamous relationships as we, too, hate to be tied down. Our representative astrological planet is Uranus—just sayin'.

Like his mascot, the fish, dreamy, spiritual Pisces (February 19--March 20) spends most of his time underwater, preferring fantasy over reality. Spirituality-based Tantra practices or role-playing involving heady mental states are right up Pisces' stream.

In love, this languid swimmer needs to be needed, stemming from his innate low self-esteem and rejection fears. Because of this, poor little Pisces is often romantically or sexually taken advantage of by domineering partners (ahem, Capricorn!). In fact, Pisces has a knack for finding exactly the wrong mate. When paired successfully, however, Pisces mirrors his partner, so what you put in is what you'll get out with this finned friend. The idea that sex gets better with age surely came from a Pisces, who proves this theory as the more they get to know themselves, the more their sexual confidence grows.

Pisces, it sounds as if it might be better to just jack- or jill-off to your involved fantasies until you get a little older and wiser. For you, I'd prescribe a Tenga Flip Hole male masturbation sleeve or the rechargeable, waterproof Fun Factory Ocean vibrator, which will have you feeling right at home. A one-night stand with a bad boy or two won't hurt, but until you hit 40, stay away from the long-term mismatched mates.

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