Leisure

Flaux Jobs

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Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Flaux job: A faux blow job. Or the act of sucking a silicone dildo as if you were giving a flesh-and-blood ding-a-ling a blow job. As in oral sex, head, BJs. You’re familiar with those, right? I thought so.

For those familiar with the, ahem—straight—forward blow job, a flaux job can be hard to wrap your mind (or mouth) around. But the true key to a great flaux job is exactly this: wrapping your mind around performing oral sex on an inanimate object from which your partner cannot receive direction physical stimulation.

LGBTQ and hetero readers alike are wondering, “What’s the freaking point of sucking a strap-on dildo? What’s in it for me? Or my partner?” Those of you who have given or received successful flaux jobs are probably saying, “Yes! Finally someone else is acknowledging the sexy hotness that is the flaux job!”

Giving faux head is all about giving head. Though always your biggest sex organ, your brain is especially important to utilize during an FJ because you’ll need to balance the lack of physical stimulation with imagination. Both the giver and receiver need to be fully mentally committed to a flaux job or it’s sure to flop.

As the giver, the more you’re outwardly into it, the more your partner will feel it. Get theatrical—always mind your lighting and angles, maintain a clear line of sight for your partner, and remember that you can never ever make enough sound effects. Hiding under that suffocating tent of blankets with the lights off just isn’t going to cut it in flauxie land. As the giver, you’ve got to be brave, showy and playful, so buck up!

Make no divide in your mind between the silicone dildo sitting in front of you and a flesh-and-blood penis. Sure, you don’t have to watch those teeth as diligently, but you also don’t want to sit there gnawing on it like an ear of corn. Bust out all your usual blow job tricks, assuming that your partner can actually feel them (and he probably will).

That the dildo doesn’t have nerve endings doesn’t mean your partner won’t be physically, sexually stimulated by the act. How many times have you been so mentally into a sex scenario that you get off quicker or harder to sex acts you might usually consider routine? Same idea. However, there are ways to physically intensify a flaux job for the receiver. Wrap your hand around the dildo to rub the base of it against your partner’s biological bits (bonus points if you sync this up with your mouth movements for extra realism). Pay attention to his/her whole body—claw those butt cheeks, bite those inner thighs, kiss that belly button, tongue those sexy bikini muscles. You get my drift. Putting your fingers in places where the sun don’t shine can feel great for some, but can be a real imagination-bubble-buster for others. So, as always, ask first! And deep-throating? Still impressive.

Real-live penis sexcessories still work on the boxed variety. Slip on a minty condom, slather it in flavored lube or use a vibrating ring to send subtle shivers. Outfit your lucky receiving partner with a comfortable, brief-style harness like my all-time fave, the SpareParts Joque Harness, which comes equipped with a vibrator pocket for the harness wearer.

The receiver can better prep for ye old flauxie by doing whatever makes him feel more connected to the toy strapped to his body. Vixen’s realistic dual-density dildos feel real, look real, and, hey, some even have balls to fondle! Fiddling with harness straps and snaps isn’t always the most seamlessly sexy foreplay. Though wearing a fully erect dildo in your pants all day can just be plain immodest, excusing yourself to the gender-neutral bathroom to get outfitted right before your FJ can go a long way.

Finally, because sucking a strap-on isn’t that different than sucking the real deal, I’ll leave you with the same piece of advice I give about blow jobs: like truly enjoying barbecued ribs, giving good head isn’t a dainty affair. You love barbecued ribs. And you don’t give a rat’s ass if there are any napkins available.•

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