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The Semenette

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Tuesday, April 09, 2013

For a woman, sleeping with people with lady parts has many perks. A partner who knows exactly where my clitoris is (and how to use it), no “spit or swallow,” no “I can’t get it up” and—most conveniently—zero risk of pregnancy.

Well, at least this was a perk until baby fever struck my womb like an adorable bolt of tiny, drooling lightning. I realize that plenty of heterosexual couples try really hard to get pregnant, charting ovulation and penciling reproductive sex into their planners like a couple of lesbians. Many surveys report, however, that at least 50 percent of heterosexually-made babies were created accidentally. Spontaneously. Maybe even sexily. And out of the hetero-made babies that were created intentionally, I bet many were done without a pie-chart or calculator.

Let’s admit it—there’s just nothing sexy or spontaneous about lesbian conception: ovulation calendars, 90-degree leg positioning, sterile doctor’s offices, and, no matter how many candles you light, a turkey baster is still a turkey baster. Vials of sperm aren’t cheap and the more personal you try to make the experience (through extras like donor’s baby pictures and interviews), the more expensive it gets. Thanks, spank banks, for totally commodifying my family-building. Though having a hot and healthy friend whack off into a Dixie cup in the next room to donate to your cause certainly sounds like a nice reason to throw a party, popping out a baby that’s genetically connected to a buddy can be risky.

GLBTQ reproduction is just so complicated, clinical, sterile and over-planned. Sometimes I wish I could think I have the flu for a week before having that exciting a-ha moment when I realize it’s not a disgusting, barf-tastical virus in my oven, but a darling honey-bun of love. You know?

So this is where Stephanie Berman comes in. Well, at least this is where her newly released ejaculating dildo, appropriately named The Semenette, comes in. The Semenette is the first high-end novelty product of its kind—a harnessable, user-friendly dildo that has been specially engineered to ejaculate sperm for home insemination, a product family-oriented lesbians have been begging for for years (get yours at thesemenette.com). Much more than an upgraded Thanksgiving utensil, The Semenette is a realistic-looking, modestly-sized dildo with special tubing running through the middle that deposits sperm to the cervix with a few squeezes of its removeable outer pump. Elevated even further, The Semenette is packaged like a diamond bracelet, is made from medical-grade, toxin-free silicone, and was specially designed from Berman’s personal and professional experience with same-sex couples’ insemination efforts (she owns a women’s health clinic).

Will The Semenette solve all of my gayby-making griping? No, it can’t help me decide which friend to hand a Dixie cup to or make my pregnancy a surprise. But, thank the lesbian heavens, it keeps my turkey baster in the kitchen where it belongs. While The Semenette is officially a “novelty toy” and not a medical device that’ll completely replace your M.D., home insemination can save you thousands of dollars and has an almost identical success rate (5-25 percent) as a trip to the doc’s. Most importantly, it integrates insemination into our regular, intimate, sexytimes sex life. “The Semenette allows both partners to be involved and gives same-sex couples the same ability that heterosexual couples have,” says Berman. “Using The Semenette feels more authentic in a sense because the non-conceiving partner actually gets to feel like they’re making a baby and getting their partner pregnant. There’s nothing like this on the market.”

And if the words “lesbian” and “baby-fever” don’t apply to you? An ejaculating dildo can be all kinds of non-gayby-making fun! While I’m pretty sure Berman was half joking when she told me, “You could put anything—even chocolate syrup—into The Semenette,” I’m also pretty sure that would be awesome (just don’t get it in your vagina). With a coil of replacement tubing coming standard with The Semenette, just imagine the fetishy fun to be had with an ejaculating dildo! Let’s start a list of what else would be amazing to squirt out of a dildo. I’ll start: liquid glitter.•

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