Leisure

The Ultimate Sex Playlist

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Friday, May 03, 2013

Music is one of the best ways to get in the mood—and this goes for all things sexy and otherwise. Listening to some good tunes motivates you at the gym, makes work go by faster and sets the tone for sex—in ways both good and evil.

Not just anyone can DJ an amazing dance party—finding just the right musical flow, song order and transitions takes some skill—and if you’re simultaneously “DJing” an “amazing dance party” in your sweetie’s pants, things can get complicated. Just obey some basic sex song rules and you’ll be fine.

Personally, when it’s time to put on a pervy playlist, I like to let Pandora mix it for me. This is partially because I never did learn how to use iTunes correctly and also because I’m far too neurotic to not accidentally spend hours fretfully predicting how my playlist might go over in every possible sexual scenario. (What if my partner’s mood changes mid-romp to something sweet and sensual, and suddenly that light-hearted, quick-paced and dirty-lyricked hip-hop song seems downright insensitive? What if those tender love songs completely freak out my second-chance-at-a-one-night-stand?)

By simply choosing a Pandora station, I don’t have to accept the responsibility for my sex song choices. However, this certainly doesn’t come with zero risk. The magical robots behind Pandora stations can sometimes make questionable decisions about which artists and songs are similar to each other, leading to songs such as “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” coming on mid-climax (a true and unfortunate story) or to your being ambushed by a song that reminds you of your ex.

Perhaps most dangerous, though, are the advertisements.

Though this might work for some people, I simply cannot get off to the sweet sound of strangers chanting about a new car’s efficient MPG rating or the colorful sensory experience of imagining what a chicken-and-waffle Lays potato chip might actually taste like (will they just vote on a flavor already?!). And this leads me to the most valuable piece of sex advice I’ll ever give: pony up the $4 a month to upgrade your account to Pandora One. So simple, so obvious—yet it’s truly incredible how long it took me to make this sex life-changing discovery that I think might have made the most positive impact on my erotic adventures since my gyno told me it was the glycerin in my lube that was causing my recurring yeast infections 10 years ago.

Otherwise, if you’ve decided to brave creating your own playlist, stick to one sexy mood per playlist (as in don’t mix and match down-and-dirty beats with sweet-and-sensual songs). Have multiple playlists cued up and don’t be afraid to take a few clicks to switch things up mid-session if the current tempo isn’t right.

Generally, avoid songs that are too direct about wanting to have sex (like “I wanna sex you up” by Color Me Badd and Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s get it on”). When in doubt, obvious go-tos include anything by Portishead, Massive Attack and Air. Though we’ve all got different tastes in sex acts, sex mates, sex positions and, yes, sex music, there are some general blanket music genres that I’d consider a “No”: death metal, country, disco and anything Enya.

Otherwise, don’t be afraid to take risks, especially with a tried-and-true partner who won’t go running if something doesn’t work exactly right. Lighten up with some Top 40 hits, be ironic-obvious with LMFAO’s “Sexy and I Know It,” and let me ask you this: have you ever seen anyone in a bad mood listening to Macklemore’s “Thrift Shop”? Doubtful.

Finally, I leave you with a list of songs that have absolutely no business in your bedroom or anywhere near your naked body: “Nookie” by Limp Bizkit, “Man, I Feel Like a Woman” by Shania Twain (especially if you’re two gay guys), “Jolene” by Dolly Parton, Lou Bega’s “Mambo No. 5”, “It Wasn’t Me” by Shaggy, “Dude Looks Like a Lady” by Aerosmith, “My Name Is” by Eminem, “Hallelujah” by Jeff Buckley, and no, no, no, no, no—nothing by Alanis Morrissette ever, ever, ever.•

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