As their virginal white megastores suggest, Apple doesn't condone "overtly sexual content" in its 500,000+ iPhone Apps. However, searching for the term "sex" reveals plenty of tired Cosmo-inspired position guides and boobie pictorials in the App Store. Want an on-the-go program that's actually sexy fun? Well, there are seven apps for that.
1. Total Flirt ($.99): From the best-selling sex writer Violet Blue, this app is a choose-your-own-adventure guide to the essential sex prerequisite. If you're depressing enough not to have a flesh-and-blood wingman egging you on to "Go talk to her!", it will either make you feel better or like a lonely robot.
Luckily, the hottie you've got your eye on will just think you're super text-popular as this app walks you through every step of flirting—from body positioning to one-liners and flirtation environment assessment (Blue's hint—grocery stores, the gym, public transportation and parks are all big no-nos).
2. Grindr (Free): Stalking a gay, bi or curious guy via your smart phone's GPS is so 2k12. Grindr lets you visualize your hook-up potential by mapping out other men using the app and measuring their distance from you. Featuring user profiles with pictures, a chat function and over 700,000 dashing dudes from 162 countries, this handy tool will always keep you within reach of a handy or a tool. Straighties, don't be jealous—hetero-Grindr is coming soon!
3. Hey Epiphora (Free): Technically a mobile website, this popular sex toy reviewer spends her days doing three things—masturbating, blogging and drinking coffee. A frank glimpse into one young woman's toy-driven sexploration with snarky critiques of crappy toys and frequent giveaways of the ones she loves the most, Hey Epiphora's got her fingers on, in and around the pulse.
4. Adult Wheel of Foreplay (Free): Remember that "oopsie-orgy" we talked about? Well, this app is the perfect flame to spark that freaky fuse. This game lets you add players and then spin a virtual wheel that'll tell you who's to do what with whom. Though cheesy sex game apps abound, this one scores extra points for allowing you to add your own actions, choose to play with hetero or same-sex pairings and select how quickly you'd like things to ramp up on a scale from "casual" to "smokin'".
5. Safe Sex Tips (Free): The best part of this app is the home screen, which shows two balloon animals goin' at it doggie style. Otherwise it's extremely basic in formatting, features and safer-sex advice. However, with quick tips about topics like HIV transmission and how to use a condom (a 10-step list with #8 hilariously reading "Insert penis into vagina, anus or mouth"), this could be a great icon on a teen's touchscreen.
6. Kindu—Sex Ideas for Couples ($1.99): Kindu focuses on hetero-couples, but you don't have to be straight to participate in the many dirty deeds this app covers. Kindu presents you and your sugarpie with a new sexy suggestion such as "Go to an S&M club." Each partner then privately responds to the proposition with "Definitely," "No, thanks" or "Maybe/Open to discussion." Kindu then cross-matches your answers and presents a list of the suggestions you both rated as "definitely" or "maybe," excluding the embarrassment of your conflicting responses.
Though an iPhone app should never be a substitute for conversation about your sexual desires, it's a great ice-breaker and could be a fun experiment to see how your answers change post-foreplay.
Kindu's sex-negative disclaimer that "There are some ideas you should not try in a million years, but we wanted to include the whole spectrum of sexual behavior" almost struck them from the list, but the app's developers are "medical professionals," and as the queer, quirky and kinky well know, topics such as BDSM 101 aren't taught in med school.
7. My Vibe (Free): Ideal in a traffic jam or extra fun when your sweetie's on speaker, this app converts your phone into a vibrator by channeling its built-in vibration abilities into 100 different speeds and patterns for an on-the-go-O. Though it doesn't get great reviews for functionality, strength, or, really, orgasm success, it's a cute idea—as long as you don't accidentally crotch-dial mom. Awkward.