I'm a classic romantic. I'm simply brought to my knees with the promise of a mouthful of... chocolate and a fistful of pussy... willows.
I'm just soaking wet... with happy tears, of course... if someone comes at me with a big, throbbing heart on... her sleeve.
Cupid is welcome to stick his love arrow in my booty any day of the year, not just on February 14th. If your roses weren't red enough, your violets were just a little too blue and your chocolates more bitter than sweet, why not try, try again with these love-themed love objects that'll snag someone's sweet spring fancy at the drop of a... hat?
Babeland's Sweet Heart Kink Kit bedazzles beginner bondage gear with tiny little hearts, making them oh-so-cute while also telling your baby that you mean business. A blindfold and adjustable cuffs will get her heart in her mouth while the kit's prize item, a mini-flogger with angled tips for a stronger sting, will definitely get at least one thing beating red.
If you want to make a longer-lasting impression on your date, Good Vibration's Heart Spanker features smart cut-outs that'll leave throbbing patterns on his tushy. Can't stand his simpering? Shut him up with ASLAN leather's white-and-pink silicone ball gag. This adjustable kink-essential is non-porous and therefore easy to clean and safe to share with you other slaves to love.
ASLAN Leather's Cherry Minx Harness will have your sugar-pie begging you to pop her juicy fruits. Supple, candy-colored leather in the popular Jaguar style is made even sexier with a corsette-tied back panel that supports as much as it flirts and looks absolutely bombshell on porn star Dylan Ryan in Tristan Taormino's newest educational flick, The Expert Guide to Pegging (but more on that later).
Complete your look with Gothfox's Couture Valentine Rhinestone Pasties, heart-shaped nipple-bling encrusted in red rhinestones and tassels—ideally worn, during an expensive dinner date, under your clothes for a little post-dessert surprise when the threads come off.
If your man needs some extra encouragement to wear his heart on his sleeve, give him some assistance with the Tenga Lover's Egg, a special (and adorable) heart-embellished addition of the ever-popular, travel-sized male masturbation sleeves that stretch a soft, textured elastomer over his you-know to amp up his handy-candy.
If he's not the only one who needs an extra boost, Liberator's Décor Heart Wedge is a festive way to give your pelvis a little lift for prime G-spot and doggie-style positioning, or to provide the perfect all-around support for the pregnant or dangerously curvaceous.
If you're more of a sweetheart than a sweet-tart, edible massage candles by Earthly Body may light your fire. Using all-natural vegan ingredients like hemp seed, vitamin E, jojoba and avocado and apricot oils, these romantic sexcessories burn down to a warm massage oil to pour onto the body straight out of their cute heart-shaped tins.
In classic sweet-on-the-lips flavors like cherry and strawberry, these are perfect to pair with Cupid's tradition of eating whipped-cream and chocolate sauce off each other's naughty bits. With Earthly Body making an appearance on PETA's honorable No Test List, you'll score extra points for sharing the love with our furry little friends, too.
Last but not least—the sweetest of the sweet. Empire Labs, the same ingenious company that brings us the Clone-a-Willy Kit (which does exactly what you think it does) doesn't discriminate against the ladies!
Thanks, Empire Labs, for bringing to the world the Clone-a-Pussy Kit, which not only allows you to make a perfect replica of the outside of your favorite vagina, but lets you do so in gourmet chocolate.
This means that, even if Valentine's Day is officially over, it's not too late to give your sugar pie a homemade box of chocolate. Get it?