The Dodge Report
We saw Anorexic Kiss at sportsmens lounge last night
Captain Slow follows music pretty close and in addition to his and mine and jake and dody’s favorite band Honky Tonka Truck he likes oldies bands like Glenn Miller and Kiss. Whenever a Kiss cover band comes to town Cpt Slow gets excited, altho unless you have...I wld not do real well if i was tortured
If there were CIA agents around and i was in one of those black site prisons we arent sposed to know abt, i sure wld have spilled the beans at lunch today. All those CIA agents wld have to do to get me to talk wld be to start making me a grill cheese sandwhich and...I got the internet good and licked
Cpt slow showed me how to do links of things and he has told me that what people want out of the internet is "intertextuality." That is a big word for cpt slow and he kind of dozed off in the middle of it. What i think he meant was that a lot of people w/...jake is sore at me b/c I can't help w/ his bumper sticker business
Jake came over to borrow my shovel and said he wants to make bumperstickers that say "Fart twice if you like broccoli" and sell them in garden centers. It is a good idea and he has got to get the bumper stickers into the garden centers while the iron is hot....I smell like concentrated coyote urine but jake smells like concentrated bobcat urine
I have saved 6 months of haircuts in a hairbag along w/ my fingernail clippings and toe nail clippings, and since it has been warm enough the last few days that I and Dody got the garden dug and Jake tilled up his plot I put that hair and those clippings all around...Results of this mornings Cheerio Flushing Contest
It is b/c i smell so bad that I have been ostrichsized from my little community w/ dody and i have been staying at jakes place and we have been keeping mostly to ourselves and sulking quite a lot abt what happened on sunday. he has apologized at me for throwing the...I do not understand Cool Ranch Flavored Corn Nuts
Today I bot 2 gallons of chainsaw gas and since I had a salt tooth, which is different than a sweet tooth, i figgered i wld get some potato chips b/c I will tell you something: I do not like the way these gas stations put dog biscuits in little baskets on the checkout...Cpt Slows ebay fiancee from Estonia is homesick so we went to Ikea but that didnt work out so good
Cpt Slow has tried all kinds of things to keep Oola from getting homesick and lonesome but there comes a time when you have to bring out all the stops, so I and dody and jake and cpt slow and oola piled into cpt slows Subaru and all went on a fieldtrip to Ikea down in...Tugboat Diplomacy
Sez here on the radio the americans and iranians had a little sit down to talk abt what is what and who is who and when is whatever. now, the only kind of "diplomat" i am is the kind what goes to dairy queen and gets one of those DIPped ice creams w/ fake...Results of yesterdays brain scan contest
I and jake have been volunteers at the brain study some labcoat fellows in town have been doing. they hook us up to a machine and show us pictures of things like chocolate cake and naked girlies and burn victims and they see how our brains light up. it is fun and i...Bil Keane sent me his poker losings! But salamandars are in my mail box, so it was gross getting the envelope.
I have a feeling that this is one of those times where the headline kind of tells the whole story. But in case you did not read the headline, here is the story: bil keane, who got his car stuck in the mud some time ago and from who i won quite a pot at poker, but then...So far so good w/ the concentrated coyote urine, which is keeping the deers away from the garden
But not so far so good w/ the concentrated bobcat urine, which is attracting bobcats. I and jake did not see this one coming, i will tell you that. We have got our spray bottles full of bobcat and coyote urine and have been going whole hog spraying all over the place....I have got big plump nightcrawlers in genuine Tupperware containers for sale just in time for memorial day fishing!
Last year i worked it out w/ Bumps Diner that i wld take their coffee grounds and i have got to tell you, that stuff is like gold. Not literally b/c gold is a lot heavier and is a different color, but you know what i mean. anyway, I spose it is the cafeine but...Happy 50th Birthday “Historic” Deerfield Village!
It is amazing to think it has been FIFTY years that Deerfield Village has been "historic." I have always had a soft spot for fake theme villages like deerfield b/c of that one week i spent in Leavenworth Washington way up in the cascade mountains where i bot...Bil Keane's check bounced
Boy am i steamed at old bil keane. He sent me a check for what he owed me from that shellacking what he had took from when we played poker and he was the big loser. Took him long enough, but he did send it. And now it has bounced! Boy, there is nothing lower than a...Jake put that electrical dog collar around his neck to test that invisible fence we put in.
What happened is the other day we dug up that fence from those summer people up the road w/ that dog what barks all the time. Like they say, summer people and some are not, and these people are the ladder. And then we re-dug that fence in so we cld make a invisible...Porcupines are eating my brakes
First off, I have got many letters of concern abt me and the invisible fence and i just want everyone to know that i am ok b/c i used ben gay in an expedient fashion. what jake forgot when he dared me to put on the electircal collar and see if i got a shock is that...When those Girl Scouts set out to sell those cookies, they do not mess around
This picture was in a camera I found. I have already called up the Girl Scouts and ordered 500 boxes of thin mints and I suggest you do the same thing.We have got Heather Mills plastic leg
It is the one from Dancing on the Stars when she fell down. Cpt Slow knows a fellow who knows a fellow who knows a fellow, and for 500 of those extra tupperware containerrs we had around we worked out a trade and zip zam zoom, we have got Missus Paul McCartney’s...Results of last nites lightning bug catching contest
The weather was good and the lightning bugs plenty. We had a good turnout for the contest, with 13 jars at the ready for the half hour tilt. I and jake had argued for the full hour, but Big Tiny insisted we use Quebec Rules since we started using them last winter....UPDATED RESULTS! of the lightning bug catching contest b/c Boom Simmons used a performance enhancing lightning bug catching jar!
We had said Boom was like Barry Bonds, and we sure were right only last week we meant it b/c he was such a better lighnting bug catcher than all of the rest of us and not b/c he was a CHEATER but facts are facts and after an exhausting investigation that has occupied...I have got even w/ Georgie Femm's boys for what they did to my beefalo
Today it was the annual Running of the Goats downtown, which is a big to do that the Chamber of Commerce puts on to kick off summer even tho the 4th of july is already a good 2 wks into the season. Furthermore, the days are already getting shorter and soon there will...Sheep 242 saved Bil Keanes life!!! PART ONE
This is a complicated story so i will tell it slowly so you can follow it. It also has a part in it abt castrating sheep, so you might want to close yr eyes when you read that part.I will start at the beginning and go in order: The 1st thing what happened was that Bil...PART TWO of Sheep 242 saved Bil Keanes life!!!
So then what happened was that after we had cut off the sheep’s whatnots and wherewithals and had begun cutting off them rams horns and cauterizing them w/ travises heat gun, big tiny showed up w/ i and jakes package from canada, which we had been expecting ever...THE LAST PART of How sheep 242 saved Bil Keanes life
Well, it was quite a lively fire w/ flames shooting out the windows and bil keane screaming inside and all them sheep running around and i will tell you what: i thot at that moment that america was going to lose one of her preminent cartoonists and i and jake and...i and jake have got poison ivy where you do not want to get poison ivy
What happened was that i and jake had went to the hardware store to get some more mice traps when we seen a big turtle in the road and since i did not want the turtle to get hit by a car i stopped the truck and told jake to move it but he did not want to move it and...Does anyone want a copy of Chinese Democracy for five dollars?
Cpt Slow has a friend who has a friend who has a friend and so we have got a copy of that Chinese Democracy record by that very nervous and fighty fellow what sings in that band w/ that fellow in the big hat . Now as i have mentioned before, I and jake and dody and...I ate too much powdered dessicant and that is why i have not wrote lately.
I have been collecting dessicant for quite some number of years b/c it comes in handy sometimes when there are things you need to dry up and suck the water out of, like eels. So what happened was that a couple months ago i gave Georgie Femm’s boys some popsicles...I do not want to be accused of nudism for saying this, but I think i speak for everyone when i say that i only wish the naked people in brattleboro were prettier.
That is all i have to say abt that.So much for that Michael Vick dogfighting franchise I was going to open
Oh i know what you are thinking. You are thinking i am a monster for torturing rotweilers and what have you. Well you wld be right except that you are wrong. It is true i was planning to open a dogfiighting franchise but i had planned to fight chihuahuas which are...I do not think the New Hampshire primary should be in October
Sez here on the TV that NH is fed up w/ all those other states trying to jump the line and have their primaries first so NH is going to move to October.That is only 2 months away, folks! Now, I can understand NHs position and i can appreciate that all those other...In all my years of using public mens rooms for gods intended purpose and nothing more i have only been propositioned by 6 republican senators
That is 3 more than jake even tho he says he has 4 but i am not counting that time he accidently opened the stall door at that airport in houston b/c that was really just a matter of bad timing. Btw i and jake we do not even have 10 republican senators! Now, the media...I will admit that the evidence suggests otherwise but i still believe those orange END CONSTRUCTION signs on the highway are protest signs
i and jake have gone toe to toe on this one quite a few times of late w/ him insisting that those END CONSTRUCTION signs are simply signs telling drivers the construction is over. but that explanation has always struck me as just a little to convenient. dodie is...I love to go to the country fairs and look at the cows
Is this not one of the most beautiful cows you have ever seen? There is just something abt this cow that makes it really special and nice to look at.i sometimes wish jake never worked at NASA so he didnt know so many politicians b/c i will tell you what: karl rove is no kind of turtle catcher
We have been inundated of late w/ disgraced polticians coming up here to get away from washington dc and i am awful tired of it. we took karl rove out to catch some turtles yesterday and that butterball isnt worth his weight in wheat. first, he waded out to the muddy...I do not mean to boast but I used to make quite a living on the professional Bingo Circuit
What happened was Joe Pye and his wife Trudy came to the bingo tent at sundays town fair and they had their own glass bingo chips like they always do and they sat down like they were the king and queen of Bingoland which they are most definitely not.Neither of the two...Jake is mad at me again b/c i impuned his invention
What happened is he invented the opposite of a heat gun, which is a thing that looks a little like a gun and you use it when you want a lot of hot air, like a hair dryer only hotter. His invention is a cold gun which looks just like a heat gun but it blows really cold...I am on top of the world b/c i just made a sandwich i bet nobody else has ever made before
I started w/ a regular piece of bread and put some ketchup on it and a piece of cheddar cheese. Then i put some pickerel on it and some relish and mustard. That is pretty much the way i always make my pickerel sandwiches and i am pretty sure a lot of people have had...I do not think it is right that MTV is sponsoring brittany spear's upcoming suicide attempt
Even w/ her marital problems and duties as both a mom and a drunk you cannot say brittainy spears does not keep her eye on the moneyball. It sez here in the business section of the paper that she has signed a lucrative deal w/ MTV to sponsor her upcoming suicide...I think it is great that massachusetts supports gamboling
I have been a compulsive gamboler for most of my life and altho i am not as spry as i once was i still enjoy chasing butterflys in the morning and jumping in a big pile of leaves in the afternoon and sometimes at nite when i go outside to pee i will look at all the...I need a new butt sponge holder for my butt sponge
It is not an easy thing to find, i will tell you that. I had a good one for several years but it broke not too long ago and no amount of gorilla glue seems to be able to bring it back. The top piece of the thing does not sit right on the flange anymore and the hinge...I did not expect to find the Virgin Mary in half of my cabbage head
I and dody have grown some splendid purple cabbages this year and last nite I cut one in half and there was the Virgin Mary as clear as day. I know that might seem hard to believe but dody saw it too. I will tell you what: it occured to me to start a church, which is...Results of yesterdays dirt-eating contest
Honestly, i do not even know why anyone wanted to have this contest b/c it is well known that i can eat more dirt than anyone and the same was true this year as it was last year and the year before that.We followed the Quebec Rules again, w/ all us each staking out a...I never thot I wld lose my bet w/ that canadian truck driver abt the relative strength of the Canadian dollar
Back in 2000 when bush got elected Big Tiny bet me $500 that the canadian dollar wld pass the american dollar once bush got his mitts on the economy. Now, that was back when the loony was worth abt 35 cents to the dollar or somesuch business and i took that bet since...Kitty Glitter
I know how i will pay Big Tiny. It took some thinking b/c i knew i had to invent something that wld make me some money and so last nite i invented kitty glitter which is kitty litter for the fancy cat. it is just regular sand and all but it has got spangles and...That sure was a timely sewer main break last nite
What happened was the sewer kind of exploded in front of the hardware store and all that sewery stuff was coming out and the hardware store was right in the line of fire and it was not a pretty smelling picture. And so those fellows what work at the hardware store...I have figured out where that smell is coming from and now dody knows abt my secret compartment
I have not mentioned this b/c it is embarrassing but dody have been sniffing around trying to figure out where this awful smell has been coming from. we had been thinking it had come from a bat that had died in my underpants drawer and i just had overlooked it for...So it turns out that i did NOT put those worms under the floorboards after all!
It was Georgie Femm’s boys what did it!What happened was that i was helping Travis fix his fence after jake drove my truck which he had borrowed w/o asking thru it, and i was telling him abt how dody was mad at me for putting the worms in my secret compartment...George Bush is a cinch to get the Nobel War Prize
Now, I am not the crackerjackingest crackerjack in the crackerjack box and i am not going to pretend to be, but I am 100% sure bill clinton is plenty miffed b/c al gore got a peace prize and he did not. That is a real thumb in the eye for him especially since jimmy...Travis is a rat b/c he squealed like a pig
This is complicated so I have to use numbers to explain. What happened is that Travis:swore he wld not tell dody abt me mixing up my dessicant collection w/ the sugar jar andswore he wld not tell dody abt me being wrong in blaming georgie femms boys for poisoning me...It is not yet the end of daylight savings time but I am tired so i am setting my clock back tonite so i can get some extra sleep
I have been awful busy getting the wood in for the winter and putting up the storm windows and closing up the garden. I have also been doing some last minute turtling before the turtles are all dug in for the winter and i and jake have been building something i will...The World Series promises to be interesting what w/ the Red Sox playing the Colorado Iraqis
The Colorado Iraqis have been on quite a winning streak and that is not only good for baseball it is good for the country and it shows that even tho things are not going so great over there in iraq they cannot be going all that bad if a plucky group of Iraqis can win...I do not think when the NFL plays in Norway that they shld allow players to wear horns on their helmets
Sez here on the radio that the nfl is going to be playing a game in london. That is fine w/ me and I do not really buy into this line of thinking that bringing football to london means that on the next boat we are going to be shipping them hand guns, but i do think...I will tell you what: it takes a lot of helium balloons to lift a pound of butter
So much for my halloween costume of that guy who put all those balloons on his chair and went a mile in the air. I was not planning on going that high and i was only really shooting for abt 5 feet in the air but even that is a tall order. I guess i had not of thot it...My cotton ball stash is moldy!
Now i really do not know what to do. My original plan of going as that fellow what used helium baloons to go into space did not pan out b/c it really takes an awful lot more balloons that i thot it wld take. And then when i decided to go as sheep 242 and went to go...I do not understand “fun size” candy bars
Yesterday I went to the store where i bot some candy in case we get any tricker treaters. I also got went to the hardware store where i bot some rock salt. It is important to cover your bases is what I always say. Anyway, what is this business w/ tiny tiny candy bars?...Results of Sportsmens Lounges halloween costume contest
Here are the results. I will put them in descending order like they do on TV:10. The Petes Turkowski, jr and sr, who came as Siamese Frankensteins. It was a clever costume but i saw them in the bathroom trying to share a urinal and it was not pretty.9. Oola, who is...Poetic license is NOT the same as executive privilege
I will tell you what: that Donald Hall is one tough cookie. What happened was this morning i was putting in the garlic for next spring when i heard a big ruckus in the woods. I figured it was a bear or some turkeys but i was wrong b/c it was donald hall, last years...I do not know why they have to talk abt cumin on that Food Network tv show
I and jake have borrowed that big TV what those summer people up the road have so we cld watch the world series btw the boston red sox and the colorado iraqis, along w/ their microwave and toaster what does 6 slices at a time and their waffle iron and also some of...E-Edition
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