What with the power being out, I am reminded of Randy Bump's grease car and mine and jake's grease TV

Before this ice storm I had ran into Randy Bump in town last week and he was all this and all that abt his 1982 modified mercedes sedan that runs on french fry grease from those fastfood places out on the strip. says he gets abt 100 miles to the gallon running on nothing but grease. says his grease car is the best thing ever, and i wont be the one to deny him on that point. Randys grease car did get me thinking abt this TV jake and I...

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my new years resolution is for jake to stop putting my truck in that ditch he is so fond of

That is my resolution b/c I and Dodie have been w/o power since monday and we have spent the last 2 days running on that old french fry grease generator and moving all of Dodys hair dryers from room to room trying to keep the pipes above freezing. usually i can just slather ben gay on the pipes and that heats those pipes right up, but i am dreadful afraid that i am going to run out of ben gay, so i am rationing it real carefully. And...

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Folks in congress shld dress like those NASCAR fellows

Sez here the godless democrats are pushing a pot of ethics reforms. Now, i am not the canniest fellow in the cannery, but it is not like something like ethics reforms has to be hard, especially when nobody really needs their ethics reformed except politicans. Anyways, if you want results with these reforms, here is how you do it: Make them folks in congress dress like those NASCAR fellows. They shld wear jumpsuits with patches for all...

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I have a friend who thinks sheep #242 down the road is an exceptiaonally high quality sheep

My friend, he knows people always get the wrong idea when a man takes a shine to a sheep but its not like that. not at all. you wld know what my freiend means if you met this sheep. its like 242 isnt a sheep but is a dog or some friend come back to life. 242 is a sheep with some personality. he likes to be pet, and he kind of purrs when you pet him. my friend says he knows sheep dont really purr of course. but 242 makes this sound in...

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That beefalo Travis gave me stepped on my big toe and now the nail is all black.

I wld go to the doctor but there is no point b/c you cant do much for a toe that has been stomped on by a beefalo. i think instead i and jake will make plans to eat that beefalo or trade him for something that can be eaten. Here is a picture of the damage what that beefalo wrot: but my toe got me thinking abt the presidents ideas for reforming healthcare and insurance and suchlike. he is proposing tax cuts and that governer in...

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The Ben Gay Showed Up and I and Jake caught some Lunker Pickerels (and lunker pikes too!)

I and jake finally got out on the ice at card pond this weekend. as i have earlier mentioned, i have been saving a bucket of dead mice for the occasion when card pond wld lock up w/ ice and what w/ the temps being 40 below zero, that occasion was this weekend. i had ordered more ben gay from the ben gay company, and it came just in time. i do not know why anyone bothers w/ an ice awl when all you have to do is squirt a tube of ben gay...

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I do not understand Organic Maple Syrup

I and Dody took the truck to town last nite to get some provisions and i noticed the store was selling "organic" maple syrup. Well, i just never heard of such a thing. or actually, i never heard of the opposite thing. whoever heard of maple syrup that is NOT organic. You get the stuff from maple trees. A maple tree is a thing that grows in the woods. Woods are organic places. I never heard of a syruper spraying maple trees....

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Honky Tonka Truck was playing last night at Sportsmens Lounge but Captain Slow did not want to go

Honky Tonka Truck is I and Dodys favorite music group and they played last night at Sportsmens Lounge so I and Dody and Jake piled into the truck and went down town for the 2nd day in a row. On the way we stopped by to see if Captain Slow wanted to come w/ but he is becamped in his iceshack and did not want to come. as i have mentioned before, cpt slow took alot of those qualude pills a long time ago and that is why is he so slow all...

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That gopher in pennsylvania dint see his shadow

What with global warming, i spose that means it will be summer in 6 weeks. not that anyone cares but jake, but he says that big carp he likes to watch down by the river dint see his shadow neither. i dont know how he can tell such a thing as that, but he says what he says and theres none of us can do much abt it.

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We set out to surprise captain slow but he sure surprised us instead!

I and Jake made the following plan to bring cpt slow back to his senses, since he has been being even slower than usual, if you can believe that, and we have been worried abt him, if you can believe that too. He has just been holed up in his iceshack on Card Pond, and we have felt that what he needs is a kind of shock to jolt him up to speed, kind of like when you give a little shove to the needle on the record player when the record...

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Results of yesterdays flagpole licking contest

It was a good contest and we had eight tongues on the pole, up from six last year. Jake had pole postion and was the heavy favorite but that is only b/c he is fat. Anyways, jake won, setting a new record in the process. We are going to call up the folks at the guinnes book to see if he can get in that world record book of theres. Here are the results: FIRST PLACEJake: 6 hrs and 14 mins and 23 secs SECOND PLACEme (Frank Dodge): 5 hrs...

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It is snowing now but before it wasnt

It is snowing now but the other night way before it was snowing the weather fellow on the TV set forecasted it to snow abt 6 inches but it did not snow and the evening after it did not snow I and Dody was again watching tv and this weather fellow did not say anything abt it not snowing 6 inches or any inches at all, and when he finished his forecast the newscaster lady said to him, “So Jerry, whatever happened to that 6 inches...

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There is a mouse living in my mailbox

It has been real busy around here what with the ice fishing derby and the polar bear club dip so i have not got to the computer for a few days. that is the bad news, but the good news is that I won the derby and jake stayed in the water at the polar bear dip for abt half an hour and maybe set a record and we have another call in to the guiness people to see if he can get into that record book of theres. he is deadset on getting in...

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I do not intend to go to services at St. Mastercard Catholic Church

Drove by St Mastercard catholic church, which you might have read abt b/c it is gone bankrupt on account of there problems w/ boys seducing priests and vice versa and whatnot, back when it was called St. Olaf’s. They have sold the name of the place to Mastercard like the same way those sports stadiums do. Now, i am not the crispiest wafer on the communion tray, but something just dont sit right w/ me abt this name change thing....

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The salt I been putting on the roof is making the birds sick

We run out of ben gay again so i had to go to the hardware today to buy one of those heated things you put on the edge of your roof to melt the ice that has got all built up there. It is like a heated chain you plug in and it melts the ice. i figgered i cld melt the ice w/ a hair dryer but i cld not find it and then i remembered jake had borrowed it some time ago when his hot glue gun stopped working and he changed the wiring in the...

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Jake is making a net to catch a plane

Every once and a while one of those lowflying fighter jets flies overhead just a few yards above the trees and it rattles the windows and scares the birds and makes the fish get all sullen and that beefalo we have yet to kill get all jumpy and Mr Slippy the goat gets all forlorn, and Sheep #242 gets real standoffish. Plus, something abt the sonic rumbles gives me the jumps. You might not believe that, but it is true and i know it is...

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Dody left the back door open and a deer got in

It has happened before and i have told her to close that door. she says it blew open b/c i have not fixed the handle like i have said i wld do, and she has a good point there. but nonetheless i think she needs to be either more careful or more watchful b/c it is not easy getting a deer out of your house. it was not a big deer, which is good and i do not blame the deer for coming inside the house b/c there is a lot of snow out there...

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I And Dody and Jake Been On A Adventure But I and Dody and Jake Is Back

You are probly wondering where I have been for the last couple weeks, well I will tell you. I won a trip for 2 to Washington DC on the radio contest when I correctly identified Pago Pago as the capital of Samoa. I won a train ride and a hotel and a tour and dinner and a hundred dollar gift certificate to a big electronics store and a trip to the Samoan embassy. When i told jake abt winning he insisted that he get to come along as well...

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It is mud season and Bil Keane that fellow what draws Family Circus came by last night b/c his car got stuck in the mud

Had quite a surprise yesterday when Bil Keane came knocking on our door. His car got stuck in the mud down the road a spell, and as that fellow at the south pole almost said a hundred years ago, "What the mud gets, the mud keeps." We are in fullblown mudseason hereabouts and I wld not recommend anyone take a scenic detour on a dirt road, even if you are a world famous cartoonist. Anyway, i and jake tried to winch his car out...

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Today I and Jake went downtown to get some rubbers

It was not easy, i tell you that. First we went to the mens clothing store and I said to the lady clerk there "Him and me need a some rubbers. I am bigger than him so I need a bigger size than him." and she got all redfaced and she said i was in the wrong place and that i shld lower my voice. well, i did just the opposite and said in a big loud voice "I and Jake drove down here thru the mud to get us some rubbers and...

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Jake has got Restless Leg Syndrome

Not that i am like mrs. macbeth or anything but i wash my hands every so often and when jake gets pigeye i do not get pigeye and now he has got Restless Leg Syndrome and I do not have Restless leg syndrome and neither does dody. He thinks he might of caught it from that cutely lil anarchist he was mooning over when we were in washington DC but I and dody do not think so b/c she was a particularily clean anarchist. It is also possible...

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Pimp my Beefalo

I am sure it was Georgie Femm’s twins what were hereabouts last nite and they did a number on that beefalo we have yet to slaughter. They sprayed gluespray all over my beefalo and covered it in glitter and if only that beefalo had some fight in it i do not think they wld have been able to get the big sunglasses on it and i do not know how they afforded an eyepod or where they got such huge earphones. It is a shocking thing to...

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A proposal that is modest

Sez here that these fellows in the justice dept and the white house wld rather not put therre hands on a bible and take an oath and put their words on paper and say whats what and whens when and whos who. fair enough. everyone is entitled to their opinion, even if their opinion is chockfull of lies. But it does occur to me that even tho I am not the shiniest button in the button box, and i am not going to pretend to be, that i can not...

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I glued my fingers together again but it was worth it.

It is the start of baseball season and i thot dody was looking when i tossed her my carl yaztremski autographed baseball but she was not b/c she was doing the dishes, which i shld have noticed but i did not, and that yaz baseball went clear thru the kitchen window and landed in a bunch of mud. well, i am not abt to call a glazer for something like that when i can fix it with gorilla glue so i and jake went down to the hardware store...

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I do not think it is a good idea to have riverboat gambling in the Connecticut River

I am not opposed to gambling and i have played a hand or two of poker and i have shook hands w/ the one armed bandit, and i am not talking abt Seth Lamboux, who had his arm bit off by a dolphin. Interesting story how that happend, by the way. Apparently the dolphin was rabid, which i did not know dolphins cld get, and seth was saved by a shark that had recently been released by the Florida Aquarium and was accustomed to humans. That...

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Easter at the Grange w/ Gus who had got rabbit fever from those fellows in the Jehova's Witness Protection Program

I have had a bad case of the jumps the last few days and i think it is because i ate too much rabbit on sunday. but that is not the point of what i have to say. what i have to say involves Gus Minors assignation w/ the lord and subsequent divorce from him. What happend was there was quite a spread at the grange what w/ the glut of rabbits Gus provided. he lives all alone out on Dead Cat Road where he has been raising ferrets and minks...

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We saw Anorexic Kiss at sportsmens lounge last night

Captain Slow follows music pretty close and in addition to his and mine and jake and dody’s favorite band Honky Tonka Truck he likes oldies bands like Glenn Miller and Kiss. Whenever a Kiss cover band comes to town Cpt Slow gets excited, altho unless you have known him for a long time you cannot really tell he is excited, which is the result of all the qualoods he had took many years ago and which is why we call him cpt slow....

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I wld not do real well if i was tortured

If there were CIA agents around and i was in one of those black site prisons we arent sposed to know abt, i sure wld have spilled the beans at lunch today. All those CIA agents wld have to do to get me to talk wld be to start making me a grill cheese sandwhich and then drop one of the pieces of cheese and tell me to pickk it up, and then move the table so when i stood up i whacked my head. That is pretty much what happened at lunch...

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I got the internet good and licked

Cpt slow showed me how to do links of things and he has told me that what people want out of the internet is "intertextuality." That is a big word for cpt slow and he kind of dozed off in the middle of it. What i think he meant was that a lot of people w/ short attention spans like to click on things and so what i am doing now is providing things to click on now that i know what people...

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jake is sore at me b/c I can't help w/ his bumper sticker business

Jake came over to borrow my shovel and said he wants to make bumperstickers that say "Fart twice if you like broccoli" and sell them in garden centers. It is a good idea and he has got to get the bumper stickers into the garden centers while the iron is hot. The problem is that it will take abt 200 dollars to make as many bumperstickers as he thinks he will need, and he does not have that much money on hand since "it is...

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I smell like concentrated coyote urine but jake smells like concentrated bobcat urine

I have saved 6 months of haircuts in a hairbag along w/ my fingernail clippings and toe nail clippings, and since it has been warm enough the last few days that I and Dody got the garden dug and Jake tilled up his plot I put that hair and those clippings all around the garden. It is important to do this in a timely manner each year b/c we have got an ominous problem on the horizon which is that there are three deers that have made...

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Results of this mornings Cheerio Flushing Contest

It is b/c i smell so bad that I have been ostrichsized from my little community w/ dody and i have been staying at jakes place and we have been keeping mostly to ourselves and sulking quite a lot abt what happened on sunday. he has apologized at me for throwing the concentrated bobcat urine on me and i have apologized at him for throwing the concentrated coyote urine at him, but that does not change the unforutnate facts that we each...

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I do not understand Cool Ranch Flavored Corn Nuts

Today I bot 2 gallons of chainsaw gas and since I had a salt tooth, which is different than a sweet tooth, i figgered i wld get some potato chips b/c I will tell you something: I do not like the way these gas stations put dog biscuits in little baskets on the checkout counter. They look for all the world like cookies, and i have made that mistake for the last time. But you cannot just grab a bag of plain old potato chips anymore b/c...

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Cpt Slows ebay fiancee from Estonia is homesick so we went to Ikea but that didnt work out so good

Cpt Slow has tried all kinds of things to keep Oola from getting homesick and lonesome but there comes a time when you have to bring out all the stops, so I and dody and jake and cpt slow and oola piled into cpt slows Subaru and all went on a fieldtrip to Ikea down in CT. I spose I neednt tell you that Cpt Slow is not a fast driver. it took a long time and the way those connecticut drivers tailgate it was not a little bit harrowing....

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Tugboat Diplomacy

Sez here on the radio the americans and iranians had a little sit down to talk abt what is what and who is who and when is whatever. now, the only kind of "diplomat" i am is the kind what goes to dairy queen and gets one of those DIPped ice creams w/ fake chocolate and fake ice cream, and then i go to the LaundrOMAT, so i am not one to talk abt diplomacy. but anyway, i wonder if that sitdown went something like this:...

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