The Dodge Report
Burning Turtle
On saturday just before dawn i and jake set up what we been building which is a gigantic turtle out in Travises sheep field and then we told some people we were having a festival and pretty soon the crowds just started showing up.We had not of told Travis what we had...I do not think it is right that Paris Hilton flushed her dog down the toilet
I bet that michael vick fellow wishes he had a really big toilet b/c nobody is making a fuss abt paris hilton flushing that tiny dog of hers down a niteclub toilet. i realize that her dog is only barely a dog and she was probly sick of carrying it everywhere and how...My Barry Bonds rookie baseball card is bigger than all my other cards
Sez here on the radio that this bonds fellow is in a heap of trouble, which made me go up to the attic to look back thru some baseball cards i happened to come into one day at a flea market whilst jake did that thing he used to do where he pretended to have a seizure....My lucky can of shaving cream finally ran out
I never thot it wld happen. It was a can of barbasol and i have had it for 4 years and 3 mths and 2 days. it cost me $1.29 and the price sticker was still on it b/c i kept that can nice and dry and wrapped in a red shammy cloth. 4 yrs is a long time for a shaving...Thanksgiving at the grange wld have been better if they had not of served airplane food
What happened was that Harv Dingham who use to fly planes for United and his wife Margo who was a flight attendant got put in charge of food and that was a big mistake. I have no big qualm w/ Harv himself even tho he still dresses up like a pilot and instead of saying...Baseball had better take steroids seriously b/c a steroid killed the dinosaurs
It sez here on the radio that a massive steroid from outerspace killed the dinosaurs! I guess they must have gotten cancer after their gigantic knees got arthritis. Frankly, i always thot it was a meteor or a meteorite what killed off the dinosaurs. I am not sure...I am surprised more is not being said abt that big fart Rudy Guiliani had in the debate
It was obviously a stinker and a loud one at that. Everyone says how presidential mitt romney looks but he did not look too presidential when he wrinkled up his nose and fanned his face w/ his hand. I will agree that it was over dramatic but he seemed to get the worst...My bath tub is haunted
Sometimes at nite i will hear water running and squeaky toys and splashing but when i go to see what it is there is nothing there. I did not have this problem w/ my old tub but this is a new tub. Not a new, new tub but new to me. What happened is I kind of broke the...I do not understand how that oldies radio station gets away w/ saying that thing it says.
“Good times, great oldies, continuous soft tits.” How on earth do they get to say that on the radio? I am not shocked and i am not appalled and i am not going to write a congressman but i am puzzled beyond belief. I have been listening to this station all...Results of yesterday's antiperspirant-in-the-sauna contest
What happened was that Cpt Slow finished that sauna he started abt six years ago. If you have ever seen cpt slow hammer a nail, you will understand why it took him so long. He is so slow it is like he defiles gravity. It is like he is using a hammer filled w/ helium....I tried the new XXXmas Colision Flavor Doritoes and they did not taste good at all.
I do not know how they managed to get candy cane flavor on a corn chip but that is not a flavor that belongs on a corn chip.Who ever is running the Dorito factory is out of control and really needs to be stopped. It is like the dorito factory has got taken over by...Cpt Slow takes forever to take his turn at Scrabble
I have watched a little TV and looked up some words in the dictionary that i was not sure how to spell. i have went over to jakes and borrowed some birdseed for the feeders and i have borrowed back my boots b/c it is going to snow. I have made and ate a pickerel...I and jake have finished digging that under ground tunnel what goes btw our two places and we finished just in time too b/c we sure have got a lot of snow.
I have got to hand it to us. It is an impressive feet of engineering to have dug this tunnel. We have been working on it for a while now and i think it is going to make things a lot more convenient. It cld be more convenient but Dody did not want the one end of the...I am mad at jake b/c he will not share his corn nuts w/ me
He does not know that i know he has got more than enough so i do not understand why he has got to be so greedy abt them. He knows i like them. It is not fair. If i found three boxes of corn nuts on a truck outside a convenience store i wld share them w/ him. I thot...I am not mad at jake anymore b/c of him not sharing his corn nuts w/ me
I think i have figured out why he is not sharing them. he has been saving them to give me for a gift at xmas. He is a true friend that jake. Now I and him have a plan we need to execute. It is secret so i will have to tell you abt it later.Those were the meanest Canadians I ever met
But I think the first thing you need to know is abt Eddie Champagne who runs a used car place and xmas tree farm on the out skirts of town. And the next thing you need to know is that you can not trust eddie as far as you can throw him and considering that eddie is a...our tunnel collapsed but when life hands you grapes you make champagne
What happened was that Jake parked that load of xmas trees we had borrowed from eddie champagne and had took down to NY to sell but cld not b/c of the threats we had received by the canadian xmas tree racket and he parked the truck and everything right smack on top of...If you want to know why that tiger ate that fellow I will tell you: I know for a fact that there are many secret deals btw zoos and hospitals and medical schools.
I used to work at the zoo so I know a thing or two abt a thing or two. And what i know is that a lot of the meat what gets fed to tigers and alligators comes from cows and chickens. But not all of it. This is a secret that zoos do not want the public to know so if you...I can not believe jake never gave me any of his corn nuts
I probly shld not have got my heart all set on them. I bet he has eaten all of them by now. But that is fine. I did not really want his damn corn nuts anyway. He can keep them. They were probly cool ranch flavor and i do not even like cool ranch flavor. But it is a...Hilary Clinton shld stop calling people in Iowa “caucussucking idiots”
It is fair that she is mad abt losing but it is not right the way she keeps calling them caucussuckers. I do not buy this explanation that what she meant was people were suckered in to voting for that obama fellow and that edwards fellow and what she means is people...I do not think I understand that new ad that Hilary is running that has that Obama fellow on the beach
I do not understand why the ad calls him Borat Hussein Obama instead of his real name which as i understand it is just plain Barak Obama. But more than that I do not understand the picture that goes w/ the ad. I think this might be the "race card" I have...I found these pictures in a camera I found in that noisy fellows pocket in the library
I was returning that Idiots guide to medal detecting that i borrowed some time ago and i and that librarian w/ the wood leg were abt to step out side to settle whether i wld pay my fine or not b/c i do not think i shld have to pay it and he obviously does. I do not...Dody says I can not use WD40 instead of butter anymore
If you spray WD40 in a pan absolutely nothing sticks to it. Wd40 makes one hell of a silver dollar pancake that is for sure, and you can take that to the bank. But it must have lubed up my insides b/c those silver dollar pancakes just keep sliding right out of me like...I really shld not of made that birthday cake the way I did
It tasted good but it gave everyone the jumps b/c i substituted wd40 for butter. The reason I had did that and which i did not explain before is b/c the other night i was down town and i found abt 10 whole boxes of wd40, and they were the big cans too. And then we ran...I do not have the heart to tell jake that that balloon what he climbed up in the oak tree to get is not a weather balloon but just a regular balloon i let go of
Once an astronaut always an astronaut, that is the thing w/ jake. This is the 2nd time he has climbed up that oak tree to get at a weather ballon what is not actually a weather balloon but just a regular balloon balloon w/ a ribbon at the end and every thing. It is a...It is true that yr face will freeze that way if it is cold enough outside but some Ben Gay will fix you right up
What happened is that I and jake was cutting wood and i felt this twinge in my back and jake laughed at this face i made b/c of it. So then we went over to the truck and I made the face again in the side mirror and i have got to admit that it was a doozy of a face....I am confused by those Coca Cola cans that show Santa getting mauled by a polar bear
It is JANUARY now and Coca Cola still has those santa cans on the shelfs and they shld of come up w/ a better idea for a soda can by now. like a martin luther king can or a groundhog day can or some other can to celebrate some other holiday instead of xmas all the...I do not understand the president's plan to stimulate the economy by “rubbing on it”
I understand he wants the economy to grow but I am not sure i understand what he means when he says he wants to make the economy "throb". Anyway maybe it is me but i just do not think you can stimulate an economy by rubbing on it. It is not like an economy...I can not hear any thing b/c I used my Q tip wrong again
It is okay tho b/c I and jake and dody are going to hear Big Tiny sing tonite at the Open Mike down at sportmens lounge. What happened was I did what the qtip box says you are not sposed to do which is to go digging around in there and get the wax all jammed up and...I think my beefalo has restless leg syndrome
I remembered when jake had restless leg syndrome so i called the Restless Leg Syndrom Support Group down town and asked the fellow on the telephone if either I cld bring my beefalo to one of the meetings or if may be they cld hold one of the meetings up here but he...I am mad at John McCain for being against earmarks b/c Sheep #242 has an earmark and it is no big deal
If 242 did not have an earmark it wld be harder to identify him. His ear mark is a yellow tag that goes right in his ear and says "242" in case he ever goes missing. I can stop by Travises field and call "242! Here boy!" and i can tell when his...My beefalo has steeroids
Steeroids are a terrible thing. It is sad how it keeps resting its behind in the snow and bellowing. It is also very loud. You have never seen a beefalo in such agony, I will tell you what. The poor thing. There is not much we can do for it neither. We have tried...I think my beefalo is spontaneous combusting b/c every time he farts it smells like cheeseburgers
It is the only thing that makes sense. It smells like cheese burgers all over the place. Every one always thinks that spontaneous combustion happens all at once like an explosion but i do not think it always does happen that way. I think it is like a long slow burn...Good news!!! Those Queen and Elton John cassette tapes were just the ticket to make my beefalo feel better.
I wld just like to say thank you to who ever left the box of ribbon candy and the Queen and Elton john cassette tapes on the front seat of my truck. As soon as i put those cassette tapes on my beefalo seemed to perk right up. I think he was just lonely is what the...I went to that new German doctor in town for a check up and he says i am filled w/ poisonous dachshunds
What happened was I had a coupon for that new doctor so I went in for a routine check up, and he said I have dachshunds in my liver and dachshunds in my intestines and dachshunds in my blood and dachshunds in my lungs. Basically he said I am full of poisonous...Results of yesterday's Indian Rub Burn Contest
Big Tiny was the official rubber b/c he has the biggest hands. We used the Quebec Rules and since Cpt Slow did not want to compete this year b/c of what happened the last time when his arm hair caught fire so he was the timekeeper. Here are the results:1. Travis 14...My swimsuit issue of Warts Illustrated finally arrived
I sure have been looking forward to it and i was beginning to think it wld never get here! February wld not be feb if there was no the swimsuit issue of Warts Illustrated to look foward to.I have been a subscriber to warts illustrated ever since Dody got me a...That eclipse last week was okay.
I have seen better ones but it was okay. It was not a bad eclipse. It just was not a great eclipse. It was okay. I wld give it a 5.I was feeling depressed but the mystery cans changed that mighty quick
Mystery cans are those cans at the Bargain Barn what do not have labels on them any more. They cost 10 cents and you do not know what is inside of them b/c there is no label only a can. For 25 cent you get a big can and we got some of them too. Then we went to the...The police shld stop using teasers to tease people!
Using teasers is a waste of money! Why dont the police do the teasing themselves? Why do they have to bring in teasers to do it for them? The problem is it raises more questions then it answers. How much do these teasers cost? How affective are the teasers? Do the...I do not think Travis has invented a better mousetrap just by hanging flypaper off the bottom of his birdfeeder
I feel bad for Travis b/c he has never invented anything like i and jake have but that does not mean you just go and tack some flypaper to the bottom of a birdfeeder and then go bragging how you are going to catch a lot of mice. It is not going to work, and I and jake...If you have ever have to unstick an owl from a bunch of fly paper you shld use WD40 b/c it really works
What happened was that Travis tacked a whole bunch of fly paper to a bird feeder to catch what he said were marauding mice but were probly squirrels, and just like I and jake told him wld happen he ended up getting a whole bunch of chickadees caught on the paper and...That owl is still out there
I am worried that it thinks i am its mother since i saved its life. This has happend before and what you have to do is lay down the law, except i am not the best lay down the law layer. What it does is it kind of looks at me as i go abt my chores and cocks its head...I have not wrote lately but that is b/c I lost my friend Salmo Fario and have been sad
Salmo Fario was a good fisherman who passed away a couple weeks ago. It was him what told me that a real fisherman does not know his home by roads but by water, and that is a fact. Him and me did not actually fish together much b/c I prefer using worms and mice and...I and jake have been bored so we have made us a bouquet of house flys
I have got me a lot of house flies what buzz up against the windows so what i did was I got a hair from dody’s brush and i made a little lasso and caught me a fly and kind of roped it around the neck so it was on a leash. Well anyway at first i thot it was on a...I did not know Hillary Clinton played 3rd base for the Yankees
Sez her on the radio that Hillary Clinton made over a hundred million smackers in the last few years & the only other person i know of who has made that much is that fellow what plays for the Yankees, so i guess they must be the same person b/c how can there be 2...I was right abt dollar screech nite at sportsmens lounge
It really just was not a good idea. Jake found out abt it, and it was just exactly like what i thot it wld be like. that is all i have to say abt that except that we can not go back for a month.Those fighter jets are scaring the maple trees
It has been real warm & the snow is melting & pretty soon the daffodils & tulips what i dug up from in front of the library last fall will come up. I can not wait. Plus, I seen a bunch of robins today. But the main thing is the sap is started flowing...Those fighter planes are ruining the sap run not to mention dodys soufles.
I do not know what they are doing flying around like they are but they come thru at abt 500 mph & they just skim the tops of the trees & they scare the trees so much we can not get any sap out of them. I know for a fact this year is a real good sap run in...This weekend we rigged up a real big net to catch one of those fighter jets.
We finally put to good use that deep sea fishing net we found a couple years ago on that japanese tuna boat. For the record, it was all jakes idea.What we did was we built a big frame sort of like a gigantic football goal post & we hoisted it up to the very top...There was a Col. Jackson from the air force up here but dody took care of everything.
He came up asking questions abt the net we put up to catch one of those fighter jets & she told him she did not know what he was talking abt but if he was her wld he be happy abt having the windows shake & her soufles collapse & he said he was sorry abt...It looks like it is going to be a good turtle season!
What happend was i and dody came up the hill in the truck & i spied over in this swampy stretch 6 turtles on a log. That is a lot of turtles. And then later on i & jake went to card pond & we seen 5 more! Well, you bet i went back later & put some...The reason i have not wrote lately is b/c I burned my feet real bad.
What happend is I and Jake had a burn to get rid of some brush & suchlike, and so we had a lot of coals left over. Well, every one knows when you have a burn you invite people over & put some potatoes & beets etc. in the coals & cook them up. So...If you keep balloons in the freezer they keep inflated for a real long time
I think it has something to do w/ molecules. What happend is i and jake had a contest to see how many balloons we cld fill up in one minute only jake cheated and did not blow his all the way up. Me, i was blowing mine up all the way to where they were abt to explode....I gave my lucky flower shirt to the Salvation Army b/c hummingbirds kept attacking me.
It was a real nice shirt too w/ big red roses on it. I found it in the dressing room of a clothing store a long time ago. It was a perfect shirt to wear in the garden b/c it had flowers & vines all over it & it was like wearing camelflage. I do not think...Taco Bell is giving away free tacos to everyone who voted for Obama!
I bet Hillary wishes she had of thot of this, that is for sure. I will tell you what: it is a good day for America when a fellow can walk into Taco Bell and get a free taco for voting! I and jake are going to go to as many taco bells as we can, b/c we voted abt 15...We have got Ted Williamses head!
I do not like to make a big deal out of this but i used to play minor league baseball & was good friends w/ ted williams of the red sox. So what happend was he died a while back & his step son had him cryongetically frozen so some time down the road teds DNA...Summer is officially started & already the days are shorter.
I do not like how as soon as summer starts you get less of it, but when winter starts you get more of it. That does not seem fair. Today was shorter then yesterday. Tomorrow is shorter then today. It is like summer is over before it even started.I tell you what: I...Results of todays Odds-Evens Contest.
We used the Quebec Rules exactly as they are written except instead of saying Zed we said Zero. That caused some confusion ofcourse but we all got used to it after awhile. Besides it is rare that you ever have a zero b/c people pretty much always put down at least one...E-Edition
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