Anyone who is not conducting a prolonged, ascetic lifestyle experiment has probably had ample opportunity to observe the media blitz surrounding modern weddings. There are the bridal magazines that are so advertisement-laden they’re longer than Moby Dick. And then there are wedding-related television programs with titles that say it all: Platinum Weddings, My Big Fat Fabulous Wedding, Celebrity Weddings. And though the lavish ceremonies of the rich and famous depicted in photo shoots and on reality TV are alluring and dramatic (not to say soap-operatic), and often incorporate religious, liturgical elements, they often seem to involve and invoke no deity so much as Mammon.
For modern couples with spiritual and material yearnings, however, the manner in which they incorporate religious rituals in their wedding ceremonies may become central issues of consideration, conceptualization and planning. As Unitarian Universalist minister Rev. Jeanne Lloyd points out, couples have “two basic choices” when getting married: one secular and one religious. “They may be married by a [secular] justice of the peace…or they can be married by ordained clergy who represent a particular faith tradition, and who may, if they choose, act as an agent of the state, to sign the wedding license.”
And for those who select ordained clergy as wedding officiants, the experience is often rewarding on multiple levels. Northampton-based Rabbi Justin David waxed poetic about the potential pleasures and benefits of religious ceremonies: “Religious traditions are sources of wisdom and facilitate great moments of joy in community. A wedding ceremony brings out the best in religious traditions and religious community.”
Rabbi David and Rev. Lloyd were happy to discuss traditional Jewish and Unitarian Universalist wedding services, respectively. They demystified age-old rituals and offered substantial practical advice for any couple planning a wedding.
And, though their faiths have vastly different theologies and historical traditions, both agreed that couples planning religious ceremonies may reap surprisingly immediate rewards and develop lasting relationships from their nuptials. Both were emphatic on a practical point as well: Rev. Lloyd says “couples should begin looking for an officiant for their ceremony one year in advance,” due to various scheduling constraints. And Rabbi David urges newly engaged couples to call clergy first–“way before the caterer.”
Jewish Weddings
For many, any mention of a Jewish wedding brings first to mind the glass-shattering ceremony. However, that’s only one of the final components of the series of rituals that comprise Jewish nuptials. Conservative Rabbi Justin David (of Northampton’s B’nai Israel Synagogue) and Jeff Goldwasser, Rabbi of the North Adams Reform congregation Beth Israel, both adhere to a traditional ceremonial format, though Goldwasser explained, “There is a wide range of practices among Reform rabbis… [some] reform rabbis take greater liberties in rearranging or shortening the format [of the liturgy].”
David described a conservative Jewish wedding concisely: “In the ceremonies I officiate, I try to stress the inherent poetry and wisdom of traditional rituals. So all weddings I preside over have a signing of the ketubah [marriage contract] and traditional prayers under the chuppah [wedding canopy]. These [prayers include] a betrothal blessing, as well as the traditional seven wedding blessings. In between these two, the couple exchange rings as they recite an ancient formula, I read from the ketubah, and I share my own thoughts with the couple. At the end, I invite the community to take a moment during which they can offer their own silent prayers or meditations, and then I give the couple a blessing, and the groom (or sometimes a bride) breaks a glass.” Goldwasser described a ceremony with similar components, but expanded on the history and significance of each. He called the ketubah “the original prenuptial agreement,” “an almost incredibly progressive document, as it protected the rights of women in marriage.”
Though the ketubah may have ancient origins, however, Reform rabbis often replace the ancient text with “a statement of the couple’s mutual vision of the obligation and joys of marriage.” And Goldwasser noted that the “Seven Blessings” “put the marriage of the couple into the context of the overall Jewish vision of a world created by God, who will redeem the world’s sorrows. The bride and groom in this blessing are symbols for the joy of the world’s eventual redemption.”
When asked about opportunities to amend or embellish such traditional rituals, both rabbis were fairly permissive. Goldwasser has “no objections to additional readings, music or other things that beautify the ceremony.”And David noted that though “most couples… want to step into the traditional structure of ritual that I provide… there is a lot of latitude for what can be included in a Jewish wedding,” including “festive dancing and singing” or more modern, personal touches like releasing butterflies at the end of the ceremony. Interestingly, both David and Goldwasser described necessary changes and alterations to the texts read at same-sex weddings (both rabbis–and, according to Goldwasser, a majority of both conservative and reform clergy–are willing to marry same-sex couples). David “really enjoys the intellectual and spiritual challenges of working with same-sex couples to find the right ‘Jewish’ vocabulary to help them articulate their aspirations towards holiness as a married couple.”
The two rabbis do, however, differ on one significant point: Goldwasser will marry interfaith couples “under certain conditions” regarding child rearing and the maintenance of a Jewish home, whereas David prefers to refer interfaith couples to other rabbis in cases when the non-Jewish partner is uninterested in conversion.
And that eventual glass-shattering ceremony? Rabbi Goldwasser noted that it’s open to various interpretations, but the majority of these reinforce the notion “that the broken glass reminds us not to use our joy as an excuse to forget the world’s continuing troubles.”
Unitarian Universalism
Compared to Judaism, Unitarian Universalism is an incredibly young religious tradition. It was formed in 1961 with the merger of two Protestant- and Transcendentalist-influenced sects, Unitarianism and Universalism. The composite church is notoriously liberal and pluralist, and wedding ceremonies ordained by U.U. ministers are some of the most varied, most integrative Christian nuptial services performed today. Both Hartford-based Rev. Jeanne Lloyd and President of the Unitarian Universalist Society of Northampton and Florence Julie Kurose emphasized that the church often provides solutions for those seeking to compromise or improvise religious traditions. According to Kurose, “Often, couples who are looking for a non-traditional ceremony, or who each come from a different faith tradition, will come to a U.U. church to be married because there aren’t many ‘rules.’”
And Rev. Lloyd claimed that as the U.U. church’s open-door policy makes it potential meeting ground for people baptized in diverse faiths, the church doesn’t “require people to convert to join a U.U. church in order to be married by a Unitarian Universalist minister. Very often, we are the only religious faith that will marry couples [who are themselves] of different faiths.”
That said, Lloyd was nevertheless able to describe a standard U.U. ceremony. “A typical Order of Service for a wedding ceremony is likely to be around a half hour long with the following outline: Processional, Welcome, Declaration of Intent, Minister’s Charge to the Couple, Vows, Rings, Prayer, Closing, Pronouncement and Recessional. Specific rituals within the wedding ceremony may draw respectfully from several faith traditions,” and might also incorporate relevant ethnic or cultural rites. Lloyd recalled weddings she’d officiated which incorporated variations of Korean and Russian rituals, and additional readings in various languages.
The clergy quoted in this article also had additional practical advice for engaged couples of all faiths. Beyond booking a church and officiant early in the game and exploring religious traditions and values, Rev. Lloyd advised couples to “make sure that the minister has a backup system in place in the event that [he or she] is unable to perform the ceremony due to emergency issues.” She also advised couples to have backup plans for outdoor ceremonies (both Rev. Lloyd and Rabbi Goldwasser were willing to officiate at sites other than their church and synagogue) in case of bad weather and suggested the inclusion of the passages read during the ceremony in the wedding planner so that guests can follow the ceremony with greater ease.
The clergy we spoke to also emphasized the need for good communication between couples and religious organizations and officiants, regardless of denomination. Rev. Lloyd said, “There are some things that can undermine the sanctity of the ceremony… [The minister] can recognize these items,” and steer concerned couples away from potential gaffes. And Rabbi David urged couples to “open up to the clergy officiating at [their] wedding. Don’t hold back! I think they’ll be surprised and moved by the relationship you develop.”
