Hi Yana,
I’ve been with the same partner for many years, since before I transitioned. We’ve navigated all of my dysphoria around my sexual preferences up to this point. Recently I had bottom surgery and I was wondering — how do I start the conversation about navigating the nuances of me having this new anatomy while also figuring out myself how to enjoy my new set up?
All the best,
New Pipe Fittings
Dear New Pipe Fittings,
First of all, congratulations on making it through a huge transition and I hope your recovery has been easy and affirming.
I love that you’re approaching this as something you and your partner can explore together rather than as something you need to immediately “figure out” alone. You’ve already taken a lot of important steps together and separately — you’ve spent years learning how to navigate dysphoria, sexuality, and your relationship together and that stability will be helpful in this next part as quite literally, bottom surgery changes the landscape.
Your body is new in a lot of ways to both you and your partner. There may be new sensations, new vulnerabilities, and some things might feel differently than how you imagined they would.
As with most sex conversations, start outside the bedroom. You might say something like, “I’m really excited to explore this with you, but I’m also figuring out what I like and what feels good. I’d love for us to treat this as an experiment rather than expecting me to know exactly what I want.”
Then give yourselves permission to go slowly and possibly make mistakes. Depending on where you are in your healing process and what your surgical team has recommended, sexual activity may need to be limited for a while anyway so this would be a good time to dive into “the talking phase” in a way that might even be reminiscent of your earlier dating days (cute!).
Once you’re medically cleared, you don’t have to jump directly into penetrative sex or to sex at all. You might even want to fly solo with the new pipes for a while to get the lay of the land before trying to incorporate your partner back into things. This way you can report back with your findings or even have a fun mutual or solo masturbation show-and-tell.
Don’t forget to pull on your resources like friends who’ve had bottom surgery themselves, the ol’ World Wide Web, or even the humble pocket mirror.
You have a unique set-up where you and your partner both know each other very well and also have a fresh-start component where you get to say “I don’t know yet” or “Let’s see!” This can be really fun as long as you keep talking before, during, and after sex while you figure this out (and maybe even then-some!).
Remember that sensation can change as healing continues, so your preferences may evolve over time — rarely are our sex lives stagnant, anyway so keep the conversation flowing.
Finally, dysphoria doesn’t generally evaporate the minute one’s body changes (though it sure can help) and so some things might be lingering in the triggering or just kinda “blah” realm. Take it easy on yourself both mentally and physically as you traverse this exciting new terrain.
Remember that not every sexual experience needs to be a test of whether or not your surgery “worked” or was “worth it.” Some may be fireworks and some may be flops. You get to have complicated feelings alongside excitement, curiosity, awkwardness, pleasure, and vulnerability.
Truly good sex is ever-evolving alongside our bodies and identities. So don’t focus on recreating the sex you had before, focus on discovering what sex looks like now — an adaptive skill we could all benefit from as our sex lives unfurl before us.
Yana Tallon-Hicks, LMFT, is a relationship therapist, sex educator, and author living in the Pioneer Valley. You can find her work and her professional contact information on her website, yanatallonhicks.com.