va23-vspot-20151
Local sex columnist Yana Tallon-Hicks‘ written sexpertise uses humor and wit to treat our sexual hangups, growth and education as a natural, fun part of our everyday.

The V-Spot: Is a Good Lay The ONE?
Sep14

The V-Spot: Is a Good Lay The ONE?

Hi Yana, Can you even find The ONE when searching for The One? I know that when searching for The One, you have a list of all the things you’re attracted to, but what if those things are what are bad for you? Like, when you’re into hot and rough sex and you find the person who gives it to you just right, but then it causes you to not be able to see who they really are…is that bad? I mean you feel like you know them and that they...

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The V-Spot: Is My BF Having Multiple Orgasms?
Aug24

The V-Spot: Is My BF Having Multiple Orgasms?

Hi Yana, My boyfriend and I have been together for six years but only recently discovered that he can have multiple orgasms. If he puts his penis back inside me or if I stimulate just the tip a few seconds after he has orgasmed he can ejaculate a second time. At first he was self conscious about the mess and didn’t want to do it again. But after reassuring him that I don’t mind a mess we have done it more than once....

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The V-Spot: Help My Partner Help Me
Aug14

The V-Spot: Help My Partner Help Me

Dear Yana, I’m a queer woman in my late 20s living in the U.S., and my girlfriend lives overseas. In the 2.5 years we’ve been together, about half that time has been long distance, and about half together. We’re absolutely crazy about each other and we want to get married and have babies. The problem: we fight. A lot. The germ of our fights is almost always: I have issues with anxiety and depression and am an empath...

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V-Spot: Are We Screwed if We Stop Screwing?
Jul29

V-Spot: Are We Screwed if We Stop Screwing?

Hi Yana! My partner and I have been dating since October and from the beginning have had really intense sexual energy for each other (like every day, sometimes multiple times). But in the last week or two it’s sort of died out for a number of reasons. I can’t help but feel unattractive to my partner when I’m ready to go and he’s not. But, at the same time, I never ever want to guilt or manipulate him into having sex. Further, as a...

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The V-Spot: How Do I Amp Up Masturbation?
Jul24

The V-Spot: How Do I Amp Up Masturbation?

Hi Yana, I’ve been single for two years now and haven’t engaged in any partnered sexual activity throughout that time. I was wondering if you have any recommendations for adding excitement for one’s masturbation practice? I recently got a new vibrator which is great and a lesbian erotica anthology that I like. Any porn collectives you are a fan of? Thanks! “Dancing” with Myself   Dear “Dancing,” A fresh, charged...

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V-Spot: So I Looked At My BF’s Google History…
Jul18

V-Spot: So I Looked At My BF’s Google History…

Hi Yana, This is a really hard thing to write. I recently went through my partner’s phone. (Yikes I know. I wanted to know what he got for my birthday). While scrolling in the web history I found he’s been watching gay porn and Googling personal ads on Craigslist. He’s in his fifties and I’m about two decades younger than him so I’m a little bit more open about my sexuality. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with the porn he’s...

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The V-Spot: How Do I NOT Squirt, Though?
Jul10

The V-Spot: How Do I NOT Squirt, Though?

Hi Yana! I recently entered a new relationship and my new partner finally helped me cum for the very first time! Recently though we discovered that I sometimes squirt and now I’ve been absolutely terrified of cumming since I’m anxious about making a mess. My partner says he doesn’t mind, but I’m still so anxious! Any advice for relaxing so that I can re-enjoy finishing? Anxiously Orgasming   Dear Anxiously, Partnered in a new...

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The V-Spot: Exploring kink after trauma
Jul06

The V-Spot: Exploring kink after trauma

Writer’s note: this column discusses sexual assault and trauma. Hey Yana! I’ve been seeing/having sex with this guy for a little while now. I really (really really) like him and feel super comfortable with him and we’ve had super good conversations about boundaries and consent. I tend to dissociate a bit when I start having sex with a new person, and I’ve been really open about that with him and about past trauma. (I was physically...

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The V-Spot: Exploring Kink After Trauma
Jul03

The V-Spot: Exploring Kink After Trauma

Writer’s note: this column discusses sexual assault and trauma. Hey Yana! I’ve been seeing/having sex with this guy for a little while now. I really (really really) like him and feel super comfortable with him and we’ve had super good conversations about boundaries and consent. I tend to dissociate a bit when I start having sex with a new person, and I’ve been really open about that with him and about past trauma. (I was physically...

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 The V-Spot: I’m The Other Woman
Jun26

 The V-Spot: I’m The Other Woman

Hi Yana, I want to avoid having an emotional (or sexual) affair without ending a friendship. I have a friend who I really like, and am attracted to, but he’s married. I’ve known him for a couple of years, and we always hang out with his wife, who I don’t click with. I’m polyamorous and have other partners, but I respect that he and his wife are monogamous. Recently he’s said and done a handful of things...

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The V-Spot: How Do I Move Past Old Heartbreak?
Jun18

The V-Spot: How Do I Move Past Old Heartbreak?

Hi Yana, I’m a dude in my mid-thirties struggling to recover from a sort of recent break-up (over a year ago). We were together for seven years. The last three of those years were spent in couples therapy and the last year of our relationship was spent trying to be non-monogamous (her idea). Long, painful story short: she ended up falling in love with the other person she was dating outside of our relationship during our...

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V-Spot: My BF’s Been Sexting Other Women
Jun11

V-Spot: My BF’s Been Sexting Other Women

Hi Yana, I was recently informed by someone that my boyfriend has been sexually texting another girl for several months, as well as had an active profile on dating site Plenty of Fish. When confronted, it took a few days but he did admit the truth to me. I am devastated and hurt; we have a very loving relationship and have built a very wonderful life together. When he was explaining everything to me, he broke down and told me how he...

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The V-Spot: My Boyfriend Read My Journal
Jun01

The V-Spot: My Boyfriend Read My Journal

Hi Yana, I was dating a guy for about year when he told me he didn’t want to have sex with me anymore, but wouldn’t give me a concrete answer as to why. A few months later I found out he had read my journal (ugh) where I was comparing sex with him to sex with my previous partners. Obviously his feelings are hurt and now I don’t know how to talk to him about it because I am just as upset about my invasion of privacy. Do you think it’s...

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The V-Spot: How Do I Keep it Clean with Anal Sex?
May27

The V-Spot: How Do I Keep it Clean with Anal Sex?

Hi Yana! I have a general question about a couple or a person beginning to add anal play into their repertoire. Do you have any advice on how one keeps toys and/or fingers clean/separate so the toys for buttplay are kept far away from the vagina or vice versa?   Thanks so much, Squeaky Clean Cheeks   Dear Squeaky Clean, Embarking on an anal adventure is exciting and can also be daunting if it’s something you’ve never done before....

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V-Spot: Am I Getting Ghosted?
May21

V-Spot: Am I Getting Ghosted?

Dear Yana, Lately I’ve been in what I can best describe as a situationship; I want more and know that I have a lot to offer, but he semi-recently got out of a relationship in which his ex hurt him and he’s now scared and doesn’t want anything like that. We used to talk/text all the time. He would come over to my place at least once a week, we would sleep together, and it was pretty much a relationship without the title. But recently...

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The V-Spot: My Vagina is Ruining My Relationship
May14

The V-Spot: My Vagina is Ruining My Relationship

Hi Yana! I’ve been with my partner for about a year, and in most ways our relationship is everything I want. We communicate really well, we have a great time together, our sex life is amazing, and I always feel supported by him. The problem is my vagina. For the first time in my life, I’m dealing with a variety of uncomfortable vaginal issues, most frequently yeast infections and BV (bacterial vaginosis). The onset of these...

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V-Spot: My Haircut is Dictating My Sex Life
May08

V-Spot: My Haircut is Dictating My Sex Life

Hi Yana, I have a sex question! Over the past year, I’ve noticed a pretty substantial shift in the way people think I like to fuck and I’m having difficulty confronting it. It’s probably a common experience that when people make a change to their outward appearance (for me, cutting my hair short), that people then make different assumptions about how they like to have sex. It started with my last partner who was a long-time partner of...

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The V-Spot: WTF even is college dating?
May01

The V-Spot: WTF even is college dating?

Hello Yana! I’m looking for advice on navigating college relationships. I’m a young lesbian and I’m trying to consolidate not feeling in a good emotional place for a full romantic relationship with also looking for physical intimacy. I had a short relationship earlier in the year and I don’t feel like I’m in a good time in my life to both take care of myself and keep my grades up and also maintain a healthy and loving relationship...

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The V-Spot: Help me flirt with an Aquarius!
Apr23

The V-Spot: Help me flirt with an Aquarius!

Hi Yana, Okay. I gotta know. How does one flirt with an Aquarius? There’s an Aquarius male that I like … and I’m a really bad flirter. I don’t do well with flirting because I’m trying to overcompensate with my intelligence to offset my sexy social media presence. Like, I tend to talk as intelligently as possible with dudes because I don’t want to be mistaken for naked on the internet = unintelligent. I don’t want to be mistaken...

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V-Spot: Help Me Kick My Hitachi Addiction
Apr17

V-Spot: Help Me Kick My Hitachi Addiction

HELP YANA! I’m addicted to my Hitachi! I’ve had a primary partner for just under a year. The sex is awesome, intimate, and fun. However, very rarely can I have sex and get off without using toys, and I think it’s starting to frustrate them. I don’t have a lot of clitoral sensitivity as it is, so my Hitachi is always involved. I don’t want them to feel like they are taking a back seat to my toys, or for them to feel disconnected...

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V-Spot: Teach My Nice Guy to Play Rough
Apr09

V-Spot: Teach My Nice Guy to Play Rough

Writer’s note: This column contains mention of rape/non-consensual sex. Hey Yana!! I’ve been dating the sweetest guy. Well, sweet in ways that he always helps with housework, takes care of my dog for me, and is ALWAYS there for me. He’s a solid and loyal dude which is kind of a different pace than what I’m used to. He’s a shy boy. He’s 30 years old and I may be the only real girlfriend he’s had so far. We’ve been together a little...

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The V-Spot: My Boyfriend is … Tied Up
Apr04

The V-Spot: My Boyfriend is … Tied Up

Hi Yana, I’ve been dating a new guy for about four months. He’s honest and makes time for me. He’s also really exciting, and after going through a lot of painful previous relationships, I actually feel safe with him. Our sex life is amazing, and he encourages me to try things I’ve never tried before! And I’m having orgasms! With a partner! For the first time! There’s only one problem: I’m not sure...

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V-Spot: I’m Hesitant to Receive Touch
Mar26

V-Spot: I’m Hesitant to Receive Touch

Content Warning: This column mentions childhood and adult sexual abuse and violence. Hey there! This is a question but also a need for some clarity and reassurance. I’m a 20-something bi female living in Portland, Oregon. I consider myself a sexual, curious, and sex-positive person. My boyfriend and I of five years broke up last year and then got back together. I’ve always had issues (at least after the initial passion wears off in a...

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The V-Spot: My BF’s Back Pain Killed Our Sex Life
Mar19

The V-Spot: My BF’s Back Pain Killed Our Sex Life

Hi Yana! I’ve been with my partner for a year. He’s in his mid-30s and has some chronic back pain from a sports accident that happened a few years ago and he still takes pain meds for. Our sex life is nonexistent right now. We agree we both want more sex and that his back issues get in the way because for him, it’s hard to get the motivation to initiate sex. I’m generally a pretty sexual person, but for some reason I can’t bring...

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V-Spot: I’m Feeld-ing Threesomes
Mar12

V-Spot: I’m Feeld-ing Threesomes

Dear Yana, In my post-big-breakup dating life, I’ve decided to start using Feeld [a dating app that’s basically Tinder for couples and singles seeking to be matched for threesome arrangements]. I’ve always been open to the idea of a three-way both sexually and as a triad relationship style. However, I identify as a queer/bisexual woman and am noticing that with so many couples on this app, both the man and the woman in a hetero-paired...

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The V-Spot: How Do I Find Someone Who’s Got Their Shit Together?
Mar06

The V-Spot: How Do I Find Someone Who’s Got Their Shit Together?

Hi Yana, I’m no longer satisfied with the type of love I attract. After my most recent heartbreak, and having to face the thought of getting back on the online dating horse, I’m willing to admit that something isn’t working here, and it might be me. I’m incredibly understanding and non-judgemental, but in the dating world that often leads to me accepting men into my life that may not have theirs totally together. My...

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Valley Advocate Podcast: The Lifestyle of a Sex Columnist
Feb26

Valley Advocate Podcast: The Lifestyle of a Sex Columnist

Yana Tallon-Hicks has been writing the Advocate’s sex and relationship column, The V-Spot, for seven years. It’s something she enjoys greatly, but she says it isn’t exactly the Carrie Bradshaw lifestyle some people seem to think it is. She is also a freelance sex educator. In our weekly podcast collaboration with Amherst Media, Yana talks about the state of sex education, how she uses cookies in her sex teachings,...

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The V-Spot: My Lover and My Bestie Are Dating
Feb23

The V-Spot: My Lover and My Bestie Are Dating

Hi there! I’m an early 30s, cis, brown, queer non-monogamous woman. My question is about a situation I find myself in with a lover and my best friend. This best friend is my Bestie, my chosen family. The lover is my first male lover in over a decade. (I was with women exclusively and have been in therapy for male-related trauma and abandonment stuff). He’s the first man I’ve been intimate and vulnerable with in that long....

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The V-Spot: Friends with Bad Benefits
Feb19

The V-Spot: Friends with Bad Benefits

Hi Yana, I have a conundrum! I recently started going on dates with a friend of a friend, and it wasn’t until our third date last week that I realized that, as much as I like them, I don’t think I’m sexually attracted to them. We’ve known each other for about a year and a half and have hung out in groups a lot. We have developed a very caring, intimate friendship and I feel something more than platonic towards them. But every time we...

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The V-Spot: Oceans Apart
Feb05

The V-Spot: Oceans Apart

Hi Yana, We met when we were 15 years old on the other side of the world. We were instantly attracted to each other and even made out on the first night. Saw each other over the years randomly on vacations, weddings etc. Tried to stay in touch and hang on to something we weren’t even sure was real. We’ve always had oceans between us and no way to cross it permanently. We lost touch seven years ago. Met each other again two...

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The V-Spot: My Coitus is Interruptus by Chronic Pain
Jan29

The V-Spot: My Coitus is Interruptus by Chronic Pain

Hello Yana, I’m a college student and I feel like I’m emotionally ready to seek out romantic and sexual relationships. The problem is, I feel like I have a lot stacked against me physically. I’m living with a pelvic floor disorder that requires me to do daily physical therapy in order to keep my vaginal muscles healthy, which can sometimes feel like an uphill battle. I am also on a very high dose of an SSRI (selective serotonin...

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The V-Spot: Where’s My Bleepin’ Orgasm??
Jan22

The V-Spot: Where’s My Bleepin’ Orgasm??

Dear Yana, I’ve been with my boyfriend for a couple years now. We’re just now starting to experiment in our sex life. I’ve known how to make myself vaginally orgasm for a few years now. And he knows what positions I need to do to make this happen. But it’s gotten to the point that if we have sex and I can’t have my orgasm, I get awfully bitter when he finishes. I have to fake a smile and pretend that it’s okay, but I’m usually so...

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The V-Spot: We’ve Got Different Sex Drives
Jan16

The V-Spot: We’ve Got Different Sex Drives

Hi Yana, My partner and I seem to be in different places when it comes to sex. We have fabulous sex when he’s up to it, but in general I have a higher sex drive and want to be more adventurous. We both have histories of trauma and deal with it in different ways. I’m mostly into reenacting/reclaiming the trauma, and he wants to avoid it. I don’t think either is better, I just want to know if you know a way that we can find some common...

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The V-Spot: Changed and Confused
Jan08

The V-Spot: Changed and Confused

Hi Yana, I’m a queer non-binary femme. My partner (also queer and non-binary) and I have been together for just about three years. In the past year, I have been doing a lot of emotional work — processing lots of trauma, shame and doing a lot of digging and learning. It’s also been a year of more depression and anxiety on my part. The first year and a half of our relationship we were incredibly sexual, we enjoyed sex a lot, loved to...

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The V-Spot: I Get Ghosted After One Night
Jan02

The V-Spot: I Get Ghosted After One Night

Hi Yana, I’ve had an above-average number of sexual partners (70+) and at least half have been one night stands. The pattern is: I start talking to someone on OKCupid, we arrange for a date, we have a few drinks, have sex. Sometimes, it’s more mutual, and neither of us wants to see the other again. More often, I’ve enjoyed the sex (and they have too) but are not interested in meeting up again. Among those are situations where I’m...

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