va23-vspot-20151
Local sex columnist Yana Tallon-Hicks‘ written sexpertise uses humor and wit to treat our sexual hangups, growth and education as a natural, fun part of our everyday.

The V-Spot: How Do We Get Our Sex Life Back After Abortion?
Mar18

The V-Spot: How Do We Get Our Sex Life Back After Abortion?

Hey Yana, A couple weeks ago my boyfriend and I decided we weren’t ready to have a baby just yet in our life, and we got an abortion. After previously going through one in an abusive relationship years ago, this time was much easier on me and he was very supportive (the abortion was a mutual decision). A couple days after the surgery my boyfriend started getting very distant, explaining he felt guilty and shameful for putting me...

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The V-Spot: What’s Wrong With My Sex Drive?
Mar11

The V-Spot: What’s Wrong With My Sex Drive?

Content note: This column talks about non-consensual sex and traumatic reactions. Hi Yana, I’m a 24-year-old woman and I’ve had no sexual desire since my teens. When I was 18, I went out with a boy from my high school and when we went to his house, he pushed sex at a faster and further pace than I was comfortable with even after I told him I wanted to stop. I’m now in a committed three-year relationship with my live-in boyfriend and I...

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V-Spot: Is Hormone Replacement Therapy the Key?
Mar04

V-Spot: Is Hormone Replacement Therapy the Key?

Hi Yana, I’m a transgender male, no bottom surgery yet (there’s a good chance it’s not even in the cards for me, anyway) and I’ll be starting HRT (hormone replacement therapy) soon. I’ve always been very frank with partners that I’m not comfortable with being touched, and they’ve respected that. But, the few times I’ve allowed a girlfriend to go down on me, I didn’t orgasm. I can’t orgasm by myself, either. I’ve never even had one....

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The V-Spot: My Love No Longer Dominates
Feb20

The V-Spot: My Love No Longer Dominates

Hello from Vienna, Austria, Yana! Over the years I’ve realized that I like being dominated in sex. I want strong men who play with my brain, mainly verbally. A year ago I met a guy on a kinky hookup app. We went out on a date and hit it off immediately. In the beginning, he showed me so much about bondage and I had my fair share of bruises from skilled hands. We became a couple really fast, moved in together, and our partnership is...

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V-Spot: How Do I Stop Faking My Orgasms?
Feb18

V-Spot: How Do I Stop Faking My Orgasms?

Dear Yana, I’m in my early 30s and have been faking orgasms for about a decade of a colorful, explorative — if not straight up hyphy — sex life. I had my first orgasm about 13 years ago with a partner, who helped me discover simultaneous clitoral stimulation during penetrative sex. In the decade since, I’ve gotten down with all kinds of exciting and talented lovers, some of whom I’ve also definitely loved — none of whom got the job...

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The V-Spot: Anxious, Preoccupied, and Non-Monogamous?
Feb08

The V-Spot: Anxious, Preoccupied, and Non-Monogamous?

Hi Yana, I’m currently in a long-term monogamous relationship with my partner, and I am really interested in transitioning our relationship from monogamy to non-monogamy. At my request this past summer, we tried non-monogamy after identifying and agreeing to clear boundaries with each other. In this process, we discovered his attachment style is anxious preoccupied. He was really upset about me seeing other people, and that due to his...

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The V-Spot: Sex Drives Are Slacking & I Feel Lacking
Jan21

The V-Spot: Sex Drives Are Slacking & I Feel Lacking

Hi Yana, I’m a junior in college and I’ve been dating my boyfriend since our freshman year. Initially the relationship was steamy and passionate. I was his first sexual partner so we did a lot of experimenting and discovering together. As is perhaps inevitable, that steamy passion gradually decreased. Sophomore year his sex drive experienced a sharp decline and mine remained constant. In the first year of our relationship, things felt...

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The V-Spot: Help! NRE Feels Bad to Me!
Jan08

The V-Spot: Help! NRE Feels Bad to Me!

Dear Yana, How do I stay chill when I’m interested in somebody new? Getting too excited (read: obsessed) with new people is no good for any of my relationships, regardless of how well the new connection is going. I’m a polyamorous person with a wonderful, supportive long-distance partner and several other fantastic people sprinkled throughout my life. My relationship style should theoretically offer up a very low-pressure...

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The V-Spot: How Do I Get Fit to Be Tied?
Dec24

The V-Spot: How Do I Get Fit to Be Tied?

Hi Yana I’ve got some sex stuff on my mind, mostly about BDSM/kink. I’m a kinskter just getting my footing in the local (Western Mass) scene and was wondering what sorts of resources other than FetLife are available. I also wanted to ask about ropes, and what rope you think is good and safe and easy for beginners to practice with. Additionally, are there specific online sources that are accessible to beginner rope...

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The V-Spot: I’m Still Texting with a Ghost
Dec11

The V-Spot: I’m Still Texting with a Ghost

Hi Yana, I met a man on Tinder about a year ago, and we were unable to meet in person for over a month due to scheduling issues. In that time, we texted everyday for hours and when we were finally able to meet in person, I felt an intense connection with him. We met once more after that and hooked up (no sex, just kissing, I wanted to move a little slower). After that, he barely spoke to me but when asked, said he was still...

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The V-Spot: The Birds & The Bees & The Herpes
Nov27

The V-Spot: The Birds & The Bees & The Herpes

Hi Yana! When it comes to sex, I’ve never really cared for it to begin with. Then, five years ago, I found out I have genital herpes, and that put an even bigger damper on things. I’ve had sexual partners since then, but having to have “the talk” before getting involved with someone really can bring you down. Would you recommend telling someone right away, or is it okay to wait it out and get to know each other more before you tell...

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The V-Spot: Help! I Resent My Metamour!
Nov08

The V-Spot: Help! I Resent My Metamour!

Hi Yana! I’ve been in a non-monogamous relationship for over three years. Last year, one of my partners and I broke up in dramatic fashion. I partially blame my primary partner for this, because although he said he was okay being in a non-monogamous relationship, he refused to acknowledge or meet my other partner for the entire year we dated. Now, my primary partner has a new partner who he’s growing close to. I’m...

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The V-Spot: What Do I Do About My GF’s Long Nails?
Nov01

The V-Spot: What Do I Do About My GF’s Long Nails?

Hi Yana, I started dating a girl recently who always wears really long nails. Like the type that are super pointy at the end and as long as her pinky fingers are (they are super cool!). After we started dating she mentioned something about thinking about cutting them, but I also remember her saying when we first met that they gave her a lot of confidence and were a huge thing that connected her to her persona and made her feel good!...

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The V-Spot: I Wanna Be Topped by My Top Surgeon
Oct26

The V-Spot: I Wanna Be Topped by My Top Surgeon

Hi Yana! I’ve been struggling a bit for the last few weeks. I’m a little bitty trans guy who recently had top surgery and I somehow managed to get it bad for my surgeon. Fantasizing about her is one thing (I should also mention that I’m a sub), but it’s grown into this almost active search for older, powerful and dominant women looking for someone like me (submissive trans guy). Mostly I feel kinda hopeless. To no one’s surprise, it’s...

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The V-Spot: Oops, I Had a Threesome
Oct11

The V-Spot: Oops, I Had a Threesome

Hi Yana, I made a rookie mistake. I had a spur-of-the-moment, sober threesome with a couple I’ve been friends with for over 12 years. They visited me from across the country. We are very close friends and I’m feeling very tender now. I’m feeling like it wasn’t a big deal for them, so I’m a bit nervous to bring up my feelings. Do you have any tools for unicorns about self-care as aftercare? Unicorns just have to be so self-sufficient...

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The V-Spot: My Libido’s Got the Post-Birth Blues
Sep28

The V-Spot: My Libido’s Got the Post-Birth Blues

Hi Yana, I gave birth a beautiful baby girl about three months ago. And it’s wonderful! She is a good sleeper and I generally feel like “we got this.” Problem is, I’ve had, like, zero libido since I gave birth. My husband is clearly (politely) dying to get back to what was a very satisfying sex life. From what I’ve read, it isn’t uncommon for birth and breastfeeding to cause a low libido, but I miss...

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The V-Spot: Is a Good Lay The ONE?
Sep14

The V-Spot: Is a Good Lay The ONE?

Hi Yana, Can you even find The ONE when searching for The One? I know that when searching for The One, you have a list of all the things you’re attracted to, but what if those things are what are bad for you? Like, when you’re into hot and rough sex and you find the person who gives it to you just right, but then it causes you to not be able to see who they really are…is that bad? I mean you feel like you know them and that they...

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The V-Spot: Is My BF Having Multiple Orgasms?
Aug24

The V-Spot: Is My BF Having Multiple Orgasms?

Hi Yana, My boyfriend and I have been together for six years but only recently discovered that he can have multiple orgasms. If he puts his penis back inside me or if I stimulate just the tip a few seconds after he has orgasmed he can ejaculate a second time. At first he was self conscious about the mess and didn’t want to do it again. But after reassuring him that I don’t mind a mess we have done it more than once....

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The V-Spot: Help My Partner Help Me
Aug14

The V-Spot: Help My Partner Help Me

Dear Yana, I’m a queer woman in my late 20s living in the U.S., and my girlfriend lives overseas. In the 2.5 years we’ve been together, about half that time has been long distance, and about half together. We’re absolutely crazy about each other and we want to get married and have babies. The problem: we fight. A lot. The germ of our fights is almost always: I have issues with anxiety and depression and am an empath...

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V-Spot: Are We Screwed if We Stop Screwing?
Jul29

V-Spot: Are We Screwed if We Stop Screwing?

Hi Yana! My partner and I have been dating since October and from the beginning have had really intense sexual energy for each other (like every day, sometimes multiple times). But in the last week or two it’s sort of died out for a number of reasons. I can’t help but feel unattractive to my partner when I’m ready to go and he’s not. But, at the same time, I never ever want to guilt or manipulate him into having sex. Further, as a...

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The V-Spot: How Do I Amp Up Masturbation?
Jul24

The V-Spot: How Do I Amp Up Masturbation?

Hi Yana, I’ve been single for two years now and haven’t engaged in any partnered sexual activity throughout that time. I was wondering if you have any recommendations for adding excitement for one’s masturbation practice? I recently got a new vibrator which is great and a lesbian erotica anthology that I like. Any porn collectives you are a fan of? Thanks! “Dancing” with Myself   Dear “Dancing,” A fresh, charged...

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V-Spot: So I Looked At My BF’s Google History…
Jul18

V-Spot: So I Looked At My BF’s Google History…

Hi Yana, This is a really hard thing to write. I recently went through my partner’s phone. (Yikes I know. I wanted to know what he got for my birthday). While scrolling in the web history I found he’s been watching gay porn and Googling personal ads on Craigslist. He’s in his fifties and I’m about two decades younger than him so I’m a little bit more open about my sexuality. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with the porn he’s...

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The V-Spot: How Do I NOT Squirt, Though?
Jul10

The V-Spot: How Do I NOT Squirt, Though?

Hi Yana! I recently entered a new relationship and my new partner finally helped me cum for the very first time! Recently though we discovered that I sometimes squirt and now I’ve been absolutely terrified of cumming since I’m anxious about making a mess. My partner says he doesn’t mind, but I’m still so anxious! Any advice for relaxing so that I can re-enjoy finishing? Anxiously Orgasming   Dear Anxiously, Partnered in a new...

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The V-Spot: Exploring kink after trauma
Jul06

The V-Spot: Exploring kink after trauma

Writer’s note: this column discusses sexual assault and trauma. Hey Yana! I’ve been seeing/having sex with this guy for a little while now. I really (really really) like him and feel super comfortable with him and we’ve had super good conversations about boundaries and consent. I tend to dissociate a bit when I start having sex with a new person, and I’ve been really open about that with him and about past trauma. (I was physically...

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The V-Spot: Exploring Kink After Trauma
Jul03

The V-Spot: Exploring Kink After Trauma

Writer’s note: this column discusses sexual assault and trauma. Hey Yana! I’ve been seeing/having sex with this guy for a little while now. I really (really really) like him and feel super comfortable with him and we’ve had super good conversations about boundaries and consent. I tend to dissociate a bit when I start having sex with a new person, and I’ve been really open about that with him and about past trauma. (I was physically...

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 The V-Spot: I’m The Other Woman
Jun26

 The V-Spot: I’m The Other Woman

Hi Yana, I want to avoid having an emotional (or sexual) affair without ending a friendship. I have a friend who I really like, and am attracted to, but he’s married. I’ve known him for a couple of years, and we always hang out with his wife, who I don’t click with. I’m polyamorous and have other partners, but I respect that he and his wife are monogamous. Recently he’s said and done a handful of things...

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The V-Spot: How Do I Move Past Old Heartbreak?
Jun18

The V-Spot: How Do I Move Past Old Heartbreak?

Hi Yana, I’m a dude in my mid-thirties struggling to recover from a sort of recent break-up (over a year ago). We were together for seven years. The last three of those years were spent in couples therapy and the last year of our relationship was spent trying to be non-monogamous (her idea). Long, painful story short: she ended up falling in love with the other person she was dating outside of our relationship during our...

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V-Spot: My BF’s Been Sexting Other Women
Jun11

V-Spot: My BF’s Been Sexting Other Women

Hi Yana, I was recently informed by someone that my boyfriend has been sexually texting another girl for several months, as well as had an active profile on dating site Plenty of Fish. When confronted, it took a few days but he did admit the truth to me. I am devastated and hurt; we have a very loving relationship and have built a very wonderful life together. When he was explaining everything to me, he broke down and told me how he...

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The V-Spot: My Boyfriend Read My Journal
Jun01

The V-Spot: My Boyfriend Read My Journal

Hi Yana, I was dating a guy for about year when he told me he didn’t want to have sex with me anymore, but wouldn’t give me a concrete answer as to why. A few months later I found out he had read my journal (ugh) where I was comparing sex with him to sex with my previous partners. Obviously his feelings are hurt and now I don’t know how to talk to him about it because I am just as upset about my invasion of privacy. Do you think it’s...

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The V-Spot: How Do I Keep it Clean with Anal Sex?
May27

The V-Spot: How Do I Keep it Clean with Anal Sex?

Hi Yana! I have a general question about a couple or a person beginning to add anal play into their repertoire. Do you have any advice on how one keeps toys and/or fingers clean/separate so the toys for buttplay are kept far away from the vagina or vice versa?   Thanks so much, Squeaky Clean Cheeks   Dear Squeaky Clean, Embarking on an anal adventure is exciting and can also be daunting if it’s something you’ve never done before....

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V-Spot: Am I Getting Ghosted?
May21

V-Spot: Am I Getting Ghosted?

Dear Yana, Lately I’ve been in what I can best describe as a situationship; I want more and know that I have a lot to offer, but he semi-recently got out of a relationship in which his ex hurt him and he’s now scared and doesn’t want anything like that. We used to talk/text all the time. He would come over to my place at least once a week, we would sleep together, and it was pretty much a relationship without the title. But recently...

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The V-Spot: My Vagina is Ruining My Relationship
May14

The V-Spot: My Vagina is Ruining My Relationship

Hi Yana! I’ve been with my partner for about a year, and in most ways our relationship is everything I want. We communicate really well, we have a great time together, our sex life is amazing, and I always feel supported by him. The problem is my vagina. For the first time in my life, I’m dealing with a variety of uncomfortable vaginal issues, most frequently yeast infections and BV (bacterial vaginosis). The onset of these...

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V-Spot: My Haircut is Dictating My Sex Life
May08

V-Spot: My Haircut is Dictating My Sex Life

Hi Yana, I have a sex question! Over the past year, I’ve noticed a pretty substantial shift in the way people think I like to fuck and I’m having difficulty confronting it. It’s probably a common experience that when people make a change to their outward appearance (for me, cutting my hair short), that people then make different assumptions about how they like to have sex. It started with my last partner who was a long-time partner of...

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The V-Spot: WTF even is college dating?
May01

The V-Spot: WTF even is college dating?

Hello Yana! I’m looking for advice on navigating college relationships. I’m a young lesbian and I’m trying to consolidate not feeling in a good emotional place for a full romantic relationship with also looking for physical intimacy. I had a short relationship earlier in the year and I don’t feel like I’m in a good time in my life to both take care of myself and keep my grades up and also maintain a healthy and loving relationship...

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The V-Spot: Help me flirt with an Aquarius!
Apr23

The V-Spot: Help me flirt with an Aquarius!

Hi Yana, Okay. I gotta know. How does one flirt with an Aquarius? There’s an Aquarius male that I like … and I’m a really bad flirter. I don’t do well with flirting because I’m trying to overcompensate with my intelligence to offset my sexy social media presence. Like, I tend to talk as intelligently as possible with dudes because I don’t want to be mistaken for naked on the internet = unintelligent. I don’t want to be mistaken...

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