Editor’s note: Sex and relationship advice columnist Yana Tallon-Hicks is currently on maternity leave. While she’s gone, we’re reprinting some of her best columns of the past several years, and are looking forward to her return in September. This article was originally published Sept. 5th, 2017.
I have a little bit of a problem that most people wouldn’t consider a problem, so there aren’t a lot of resources for me. I am extremely orgasmic. Now, of course, I’m grateful for this and all, but it’s to the point that I usually come like 10-plus times during partnered sex.
One drawback is, sometimes, I feel like I can’t focus as much on my partners’ pleasure when I’m experiencing all that sensation and I feel I could be having a deeper connection with them. The other drawback is physical; when I masturbate, I can easily surpass 10 times in 10 minutes and OMG, the leg cramps can be awful.
I guess what I’m looking for is advice on how to slow down a little bit and still enjoy myself. Any thoughts?
— Overly Orgasmic Over Here
Too orgasmic, eh? Before some of my less orgasmic readers start shredding this week’s column in order to dry your overly-pleasured tears, let us all be reminded that both suffering and pleasure are truly in the eyes (and genitalia) of the beholder.
What sexual satisfaction often boils down to is the sense of accomplishment in relation to sexpectations: If orgasm is the goal and you “achieve” it, you might feel good about the sex you just had. If slowing down and reducing your orgasms is the goal and you “achieve” that, will you feel like you’ve hit your mark? If being present in your body with your partners is the goal, regardless of orgasm, and you fail to accomplish that experience, you might leave feeling bummed about your sexy time.
So, what I’m hearing from you, OOOH, is that your personal goal is to reduce the amount of Os, and increase the quality of those Os as a way to subsequently increase the quality of your sexual interaction with partners. Let’s do it!
First, it sounds like you’re very good at knowing how to get yourself off, either solo or with partners. Cut it out. Don’t use your fav toys. Don’t get into your fav positions. Don’t even contract those pelvic muscles! Make it a game in your head, a playful and consensual power dynamic between you and your partners, or simply a personal challenge to see how long you can last without giving in to le petit mort.
Do more sex acts that focus on your partners’ — rather than your own — body. Or, strike official sex acts from the record for a period of time in your sexual interaction (like 20-60 minutes) and focus on those things that specifically build intimate or erotic connection between people. For some, this intimacy-building might be consensual BDSM fun like rope ties, role plays, bondage, or other sensation play. For others, this could be sensual massage, making out, porn-watching, or dirty sexting all damn day. If it’s deeper sexual connection you seek with partners, taking time to build it before overt sex acts get started could go a long way toward this goal.
As for the leg cramps, their repeated occurrence is telling me that you hold a lot of tension in your thighs, calves, and feet when you’re building up to or having orgasms. Perhaps if you relax those parts of your body during sex, your orgasms, and your leg cramps will both decrease. Your legs seem to be working hard to help you come, so perhaps they need to stand down and the climaxes may follow suit.
And though counterintuitive, flexing your foot (rather than pointing it) during a killer charley horse in the calf should relieve the tension. Otherwise, drink a lot of water and share your secrets of your multi-orgasmic success with all your friends.
Yana Tallon-Hicks is a relationship therapist, sex educator, and writer living in the Pioneer Valley. You can find her work and her professional contact information on her website, yanatallonhicks.com.