Hi Yana,
My fiancé is sick and was just like “I’m gonna call my mom for soup” and he (LOL) has done shit like this since we moved out on our own.
Like, I’m here – ready, willing, and able to take care of you. Get off the tit.
I feel like I’m crazy, but at the same time we’re engaged, you know? I want to be the person you turn to, not your mom.
SOUPer Annoyed
Dear SOUPer,
Though it’s true that there are all kinds of timelines for successfully leaving the nest it’s also true (I think) that the same person who’s decided to get engaged should also be able to find a different source for soup than their mom.
I do wonder, however, if there’s a more … effective … way to encourage your fiancé to “get off the tit,” as you say. First, I’ve got questions:
Why is your fiancé still on the tit?
Do you want him to just jump from mom’s metaphorical tit to your metaphorical tit?
Or, might it be better for everyone if your fiancé were to get on a tit of his very own design, where he could primarily meet his own needs in his (seemingly, new-ish) capacity as an adult but also know when to ask for help from those who love him without overly relying on any one (female) person in his life to take care of him 100% of the time? (Spoiler alert: yes).
Now for some answers:
Why is your fiancé still on the metaphorical tit?
In the therapy world, we’ve got this concept of “differentiation,” which is essentially a clinical, academic word for “get off the tit.” “Differentiation” can look like a lot of different things in a lot of different relationships but between parent and child it describes the balance of “I’m my own separate human with my own separate needs, desires, and emotional connections” and “You’re my parent and I’m relationally close to you in developmentally appropriate ways.” When thought of like a Venn Diagram, differentiation might look like this:
Rather than like this:
Or this (what it seems like fiancee and mom are currently doing):
It sounds like your fiancé may be struggling to figure out how to become a well-differentiated adult.
Which brings us to, item #2 — Do you want him to just jump from mom’s metaphorical tit to your metaphorical tit?
My short answer is: No. Differentiation is also an important concept for healthy, thriving adult relationships. Without the essential balance between “This is me,” “This is you,” and “This is our shared relationship,” all kinds of things suffer such as communication, sense of self, conflict patterns, and even your sex life. Anyone who has ever seen me for couples therapy has heard so much about “differentiation” they probably haven’t even read this far (haha & sorry) and those who haven’t can read more about it in It Takes One to Tango by Winifred Reilly.
It’s much more developmentally appropriate for your boyfriend to ask you for help when he’s sick than to ask his mom. We all benefit from some soup brought to us in bed by our loving partner when we’re ill! But also, it’s important that that care is balanced and doesn’t fall too heavily onto you, his mom, or elsewhere which brings us to item # 3 –
Might it be better for everyone if your fiancee were to get on a tit of his very own design, where he could primarily meet his own needs while also knowing when to ask for help?
For you, and for him, and (whether she loves having her adult son call her for soup or not) his mom – I would say, yes. To repeat any kind of overly dependent relationship between your fiancé and his mom between you and him would be ultimately detrimental to the health of the long term relationship between you and your future husband.
Or, maybe I’ve completely over-thought this and his mom just makes really fucking good soup. The only way you’ll really know is to talk about it. My advice is to start with your last line (“I want to be the person you turn to, not your mom”) and save the tit talk for a different context.
Yana Tallon-Hicks is a relationship therapist, sex educator, and writer living in the Pioneer Valley. You can find her work and her professional contact information on her website, yanatallonhicks.com.
