Blaise’s Bad Movie Guide: What is Thunderbird Six???
Hands up! — how many readers remember HL Childs’ toy store in Northampton? I was there on closing day and came across a massive “Thunderbirds Island” playset commanding an entire shelf. As you may recall, “Thunderbirds” was a British TV show featuring marionettes and plastic rocket ships (in an earlier column I reviewed the movie version of the show, “Thunderbirds Are Go”). Anyhow, I was (atypically) inclined to financial prudence...
Blaise’s Bad Movie Guide: David Hasselhoff in Jekyll & Hyde: The Musical
A change of scenery is in store for this month’s column. We will leave the flickering screen of the cinema and head for the bright lights of Broadway. Yes, instead of a classically bad movie, I’m going to focus on a stage adaptation of a classic novel as captured live at New York City’s revered Plymouth Theatre. Ladies and gentlemen (and all gender variations thereof), Blaise’s Bad presents “Jekyll & Hyde: The Musical,” starring...
Blaise’s Bad Movie Guide: “Son of The Pink Panther” falls far from the tree
It may come as a surprise to my faithful readers that I actually own a few classy movies — notably, the well-regarded “Pink Panther” series starring the great Peter Sellers as Detective Inspector Clouseau. After Sellers’ death, the producers unwisely decided to try to keep the series going with a “Son Of” sequel. Alas, I am forced to quote the immortal Rocky the Squirrel: “But that trick never works, Bullwinkle!” You know you’re in...
Blaise’s Bad Movie Guide: The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy
It’s New Year’s Day. With no idea what to watch, I thought I’d go through one of my leaning towers of DVDs and see what I might come up with. Down at the musty bottom of one of the stacks, I found a trove of movies I’d never watched. My candidate for viewing: The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy, a 1958 gem from Mexico which you might be familiar with under its alternate titles, “The Aztec Mummy Against the Humanoid Robot” or “The Aztec...
Blaise’s Bad Movie Guide: Lassie, The Painted Hills
The holidays are almost upon us, so I decided to curl up with my dog Sasha and watch a 1951 festive Christmas movie. Titled The Painted Hills, this western tells the story of two gold prospectors on the verge of striking it rich. Except that one gets a tad greedy and pushes his partner off a cliff. The deceased man’s old friend gets wind of what happened and goes after the murderer, with plenty of gunfire and brawls. Can you guess who...
Blaise’s Bad Movie Guide: The Demons of Ludlow
As I type this column, it is not yet Halloween, but by the time it sees print the holiday will be over. I’m still in a scary-movie mode, watching such fare as “Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein.” But maybe I should switch gears and see what’s available now on TV. Wow! Hallmark is already running Christmas movies! That’s pretty scary right there. Well, OK — let’s go with one last spookfest. Think of it as munching on those leftover...
Blaise’s Bad Movie Guide: The Crawling Eye
I recently had the opportunity to visit the Peabody Essex Museum in Salem and view an exhibit by Kirk Hammett. “Kirk who?” you ask. Why, none other than the lead guitarist for the thrash metal band Metallica. Can’t say I was ever a fan, but Hammett’s collection on display was interesting. Growing up with a love for old horror films, he has amassed a treasure trove of original movie posters. The collection mostly focuses on the...
Blaise’s Bad Movie Guide: ‘Horror Express’
Allll aboard! Welcome to the Trans-Siberian express. I hope your journey is a pleasant one. Try not to be bothered by the marauding yeti in the baggage department. A bit of background may be in order so you can properly appreciate your trip. Spanish director Eugenio Martin had just finished filming Pancho Villa (1971) with Telly “Kojak” Savalas. Martin had a model train built for the picture and wanted to get as much mileage out of it...
Blaise’s Bad Movie Guide: Wonder Woman’s Got Nothing on Feline Empowerment
For Father’s Day, I was treated to a screening of the new Wonder Woman movie. My daughter summed it up well: It was better than good, but not great. What I cannot understand is the fever this movie has generated. Women-only showings? Were there any women-only showings for Tomb Raider? One reviewer is said to have bawled her eyes out when Wonder Woman decked some bad dudes. Did anyone cry during Red Sonja? Wonder Woman has been touted...
Blaise’s Bad Movie Guide: ‘Destory All Monsters’
Sometimes the best laid plans go awry. First case in point: The just-released King Arthur was carefully groomed to be a blockbuster but flopped spectacularly at the box office. Second case in point: After I decided to review another movie of this ilk — Gods of Egypt — my not-quite-legit DVD froze up halfway through. I took that to be a sign from the gods, who apparently wanted to spare me the sight of Gerald Butler trying to walk like...
Blaise’s Bad Movie Guide: ‘Bad Channels’ Tune Into 666 … if you dare (w/vid)
I was saddened when I heard the news that Paul O’Neil, the founder of the Trans-Siberian Orchestra, had died. It seems my favorite bands have either passed away (the Ramones, the Cramps), or are eligible for AARP but continue to stumble on. In addition to Sparks and Alice Cooper, the Blue Oyster Cult is a prime example of the latter. Looking to expand their fan base in 1992, BOC produced the soundtrack for a movie called Bad Channels....
Blaise’s Bad Movie Guide: The Last Dinosaur
Many winters ago, in 1977 to be precise, a friend and I were invited to a party. As luck would have it, we were the only males present. To top it off, the girls wanted to try the old game of spin the bottle. Chumps that my friend and I were, we decided we would rather catch the premiere of a movie on TV called The Last Dinosaur. Mind you, this was way before the days of cable, or even VCRs, so our feeble minds thought this was a big...
Blaise’s Bad Movie Guide: When Brad Pitt Was the Pits
Recently, I visited the William Cullen Bryant Homestead in Cummington where my sister and her family helped to lavishly decorate the rooms with Yuletide trimmings. Yet my mind was not on sugarplums. Instead, it was on the movie I knew I was going to review for this column, which is set in a very unfestive place. Brad Pitt currently stars in — and has received high critical marks for — the new movie Allied. But while I’m sure the...
Blaise’s Bad Movie Guide: Red Riding Hood
Red Riding Hood I hadn’t flown on a plane in almost 30 years. So when my family and I took our first vacation trip to Florida, naturally I was a bit nervous. The flight down was fine. Once there, our activities ranged from watching the grand fireworks finale at Disney’s Cinderella’s Castle to attending a concert by seniors pushing 80 in a trailer park. Both priceless. After a harrowing return trip through security involving a can of...
Blaise’s Bad Movie Guide: Someone should have said oh-no to ‘Omoo’
The old adage “you can’t tell a book by its cover” still rings true. However, does this advice apply to movies and their titles? Let’s partake in a little quiz and see if you can guess the film’s plot by its moniker. Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla. Hands up if you think this is a story about Dracula in the big city running afoul of a raging primate. In actuality, it’s a not-so-gripping tale of a horrendous Jerry Lewis...
Blaise’s Bad Movie Guide: ‘Call Me Bwana’ crash-lands
Let’s take a trip in the Wayback Machine to the early 1960s. The British company Eon Productions has just been accorded the honor of producing a series of films based on the Ian Fleming James Bond novels, starting with Dr. No. But there’s a catch. The contract says Eon must produce one non-Bond film as well, perhaps a feature starring that sensational new group The Beatles. Who would say no to a Beatles-and-Bond deal? But some shrewd...
Blaise’s Bad Movie Guide: That time The Three Stooges went too far … nyuk, nyuk, nyuk
That time The Three Stooges went too far … nyuk, nyuk, nyuk As Kenny Rogers wisely sang, “You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em.” There have been many performers who have ignored this advice, plodding right along with their careers when they should have called it quits. Roger Moore as James Bond in A View to a Kill? Take away his Geritol and Bond is done. Sting and Bono? Their egos are more bloated than...