I Bet Lance Armstrong Makes a Great Cocktail

For the past column, “Ahoy, Mateys! A Captain’s Guide to His Semen,” I was looking for an answer to a reader’s question about how to increase the volume of his ejaculate. While bulking him up with quite a load… of information, I stumbled across an interesting gem: turns out Lance Armstrong cares about how your semen tastes. (Your fellating girlfriend or boyfriend probably does, too).

Thanks to research linking diet to semen taste presented by AskMen.com and Armstrong’s LiveStrong.com, I’m happy to report the perfect recipe for this summer’s new cocktail (and am suddenly inclined to urge Lancey to an entirely different finish line).

What we put in our bodies dictates what comes out. Therefore, the smell and taste of our secretions (from sweat to semen) are controlled by our diet. The main complaint about semen is that it’s bitter and salty. So the first step is cutting out junk foods that pollute your body and therefore your stuff. Then drink lots of water, which will flush out your body’s toxins (and hydrate you for a sweaty sheet session).

Really please your partner’s penis palate by getting specific. For a light, summery taste, opt for fruits like kiwi, watermelon, celery and pineapple. Cater to a sweet-toothed sweetie by eating acidic fruits like cranberries and blueberries or fragrant extras like cinnamon, peppermint and lemon.

Avoid foul fellatio endings by staying away from red meat, beer, coffee, alcohol and other toxic substances. While vegetarians are rumored to have the tastiest stuff, use caution around the cabbage patch as veggies like broccoli and asparagus are rumored to have icky effects. Meat-eaters should turn to leaner options like chicken or turkey, though fish is contradictorily said to have both buttery and rotten results.

Like to book your blow jobs in advance? Remember, whatever you ingest is secreted within 12 to 24 hours, so no Big Mac binges the night before a hot date.

While this semen diet is effective, keep moderation in mind, as a watermelon-only diet won’t get you far enough in the sack even to produce semen, let alone worry about how it tastes. Pills claiming to improve the taste of your Happy Meal are ineffective. Supplements like zinc or selenium, however, are said to increase volume and yumminess. Strong, funky-tasting spunk could indicate a sexually transmitted infection. And that requires a visit to the doctor, as no amount of acidic fruits is going to help you with that one.

Those of you drinking the hot bartender’s cocktails may be curious about what else is in his cumcoction. Though it may be easier (albeit less fun) to just make an omelet, you might get some extra oral sex energy from semen’s protein content which, is roughly equivalent to that found in an egg white. Health nuts will be happy with semen’s vitamin C, calcium, potassium and vitamin B12 levels while those watching their fellating figures may be relieved by cum’s 5-25 calories per serving of swimmers. If your favorite bartender just can’t seem to get his mixology right, moving him further back into your mouth before he pours will deposit his signature shot further back on your tongue and safely away from your taste buds.

Like drinking actual alcoholic cocktails, swallowing or even taking semen into your mouth has its drawbacks, as exposing a porous surface like the inside of your mouth to someone’s sexual fluids can carry a risk of STI/STD transmission. It’s always a legitimate choice to take the “semen-sober” route, directing his ejaculate to a towel or body surface instead. Using a flavored condom could be like drinking a Virgin Daiquiri—you can experiment with different tastes and he can finish in the warmth of your mouth while reducing your risk.

Cutting back on junk food, fatty meats and alcohol while upping your intake of fresh fruits and lean proteins won’t only make your semen tastier, but is sure to make you look and feel tastier, too. Add some regular exercise (like a rigorous roll in the hay, perhaps?) and you’ll be just like Lance! Except instead of being the champion of the Tour de France, you’ll be dominating the Tour de Pants—and that’s a race everyone wins. Cheers!

Yana Tallon-Hicks

Author: Yana Tallon-Hicks

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