Figgy Pudding: We Won't Go Until We Get Some

Yes, men are the hardest people to buy holiday presents for. A guy can only get so many shaving kits. This holiday season, get him something smoother than a Mach3 and hotter than a cup of cocoa. Get him hornier than a red-nosed reindeer, make him want you a Latke and then please him until he Challahs with these steamy gifts, made just for him.

If you’re sleeping with this guy, you both probably already know that his package is the prettiest under (or on top of) your holiday tree. Remind him of this with an Empire Labs Clone-a-Willy Kit. With just a pinch of their signature molding powder and a dash of dick, you can make your very own detailed duplicate of your man’s candy cane, all in the comfort of your kinky home kitchen.

While the original kits make a clone to use as you penetratively please, other variations let you make glow-in-the dark versions, soap-on-a-rope and vibrators. Stuff him in your stocking with the Clone-a-Willy chocolate or keep his loins burning for eights days and nights with Clone-a-Willy candles. No matter how you use his dirty doppelganger, this gift is sure to please more than his ego.

If your guy’s DIY, kick your crafty pedigree up a notch with Liberator’s new Love is Art kit, an art tube of goodies that set you up to make your own sex masterpiece. Complete with a hypoallergenic white canvas, non-toxic black body-paint, a plastic sheet (to protect your walls or other innocent bystanders) and —how considerate—slippers and a body scrubber for your post-romp shower, Love is Art says “cover me in paint and do me on this canvas sheet.” Literally

That’s what you do. You throw paint on your naked bods and do the dirty on top of the canvas, let it dry as you attempt to scrub yourselves clean for hours and then hang it on your wall. It’s the ultimate ink blot test; you’ll have great fun asking holiday visitors what they see when they look at your new modern art piece.

Your guy is better than a blow-up doll —any self-respecting man is. There are much better things for him to stick it into. The latest and greatest is the Cobra Libre, quite possibly the only vibrator specifically designed to get him off.

This toy has been causing quite the boyish buzz lately, inspiring phrases such as “insta-orgasm” and “best toy ever.” Made of medical-grade silicone, rechargeable and waterproof, this toy differs from the traditional sleeve in that it’s specially designed to stimulate the head of the penis, with dual motors strategically positioned to stimulate his frenulum and glans, the most sensitive penile parts. Touch-sensitive, with a variety of pulsation patterns, and shaped like a race car (how manly), this toy was clearly designed to get his engine revving, whether or not you’re along for the ride.

For the more manually inclined man, soup up your handy-candy with Stroke 29, a dude lube made famous by the self-titled magic number. This extra-thick-and-creamy personal lubricant is designed specially for him and is rumored to make an orgasmic transformation on or around the 29th stroke, when it’s said to heat up to a point that makes it feel similar to internal human tissues. Though it contains long-lasting luscious ingredients like almond and coconut oils and aloe vera, it’ll definitely break down latex condoms and may spark yeast infections (it contains plenty of glycerin), so keep your stroking external!

If you’re looking to spread a couple of things besides holiday cheer, scattering rose petals and scrawling a homemade coupon for a bubble bath is not the way to get it (or you) done. When giving your own goodies as a gift, make sure to wrap it up right with Liberator’s Silk Binding Sashes; they’ll seductively make him untie your pretty little bondage bows before tearing into the wrapping.

Or give the gift that keeps on giving what he loves to be given. Tristan Taormino’s Expert Guide to Fellatio is a fun porn to watch together and will introduce some new skills that’ll have him asking the question you used to fear—”Can I return or exchange this?”

Yana Tallon-Hicks

Author: Yana Tallon-Hicks

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