The Hole Enchilada

Whether you’re going through a sexual drought or just appreciate some quality bonding time for you and your penis, you may be shopping for a male masturbation sleeve. Before you get your boxer-briefs in a bunch, let me assure you that we’ve already been over this and yes, I am perfectly qualified to talk to you about jerk-sleeves. Though I don’t have a penis of my very own, no one said you had to have lived through the Civil War to be a history buff, right?

Though we could all be faced with much graver dilemmas, so many faux-hole choices, so little allowance for test-driving, are always common problems when it comes to choosing a masturbation toy. Time for a sleeve showdown!

The Handy Sleeve and the Quickie Sleeve are, as promised, handy for quickies. They’re great for a guy on a budget looking to try something new. They’re both reversible, with one side textured and the other smooth, and aren’t at all cumbersome for partner play. The Handy is closed on one end for increased suction and the Quickie is shorter and open-ended for full shaft stimulation without suction. Do they curl toes? No. Will they break if you go bonkers? Probably.

The Fleshlight is the grandfather of all masturbation sleeves. He came, he saw, he conquered and, despite all his worldly jacking-off wisdom, is still quite active.

The external plastic canister is supposedly disguised as a flashlight. In what world does this hulking canister resemble a hand-held, battery-operated illumination device? Its size makes it awkward for partner play unless you’re a giant, but the adjustable cap on the end provides the bonus of customizable suction sensation. The internal “Superskin” material (probably an elastomer blend) is specially designed to mimic, for lack of a less gross word, flesh. (1+1 = “Fleshlight.”)

As established before, I do not own or drive a penis, but I have been inside a few vaginas and I wouldn’t call this Superskin an exact clone. However, rumor has it that if you remove the inner Superskin sleeve, soak it in warm water and lube it up well, it gets pretty darn close.

The diversity-confused Fleshlight gives you an array of entry-point choices (anal, vaginal or oral) but just one newborn-rat-pink “flesh” color. Get #e-trendy and customize your Fleshlight online by choosing your case color, “orifice” and texture (ranging from “original” to “vortex”). Other fancy options are the Stamina Training Unit, featuring babes in camoflague bikinis on the box and a tighter squeeze, while the Vibro gives you three bullet vibes to place in the tube willy-nilly.

With a sleek, modern design fit for Ikea shelves and a svelter size, Tenga sleeves are worth the pricetag. I mention Tenga Eggs a lot because their adorable egg-shell packaging and travel-friendly size are great for beginners and toy-shy partners. Tenga’s original plastic throw-away sleeves like the Double Hole and Squeeze are not friendly to the environment and have a creepy ick factor from being pre-lubricated.

The Tenga Flip-Holes, however, are made from a reusable, durable, semi-realistic elastomer/silicone blend and are encased in plastic shells that flip open for easy cleaning. Three external pressure-point buttons allow for a customizable squeeze. Once affectionately described as “penis jungle gyms,” these maze-like love tunnels, with their sheer number of geometric shapes, are masturbation-inspiring. Don’t be discouraged by all the color options as they simply coordinate with sensation type. White is original, black is a tighter grip, silver has a firmer, frenulum-stimulating entry point and red provides a delicate caress.

If you’ve ever eyed a vacuum in an indecent manner, try the Tenga Flip Air. Essentially the same design as the Flip Hole, with the press of a button this guy vacuum-locks around your junk like a compressing storage bag on a 3 a.m. infomercial.

If all that doesn’t shake it up enough, the Cobra Libre vibrating sleeve will do the trick. Made of medical-grade silicone, rechargeable and waterproof, this toy stands out with a special design that stimulates the head of the penis, with dual motors strategically positioned to pulse, hum and purr against the sensitive frenulum and glans. ¡Holé!

Yana Tallon-Hicks

Author: Yana Tallon-Hicks

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