The first time I slept with a girl it was awkward as hell.
Sure, I had dabbled in the giggling French kisses of curious high school sleepovers, but never did I go to a girl’s room with the intention of having lesbian sex with her. But this is what I did one tipsy night my first year in college. As a girl, making out with a girl is easy: their lips are softer, the absence of stubble is refreshing, and mixing lip glosses all over your face is a tasty mess. It’s the rest of it that stumped me.
The vagina, by sheer design, is just trickier than the penis. And the clitoris? It’s hidden in all these folds and it’s wearing a tiny hood? WTF?! Male anatomy, on the other hand, is just there, easy-to-please. So, mid-roll-around in this girl’s tiny college bed, it suddenly dawned on me: Though I had gotten the penis down, I had no idea what to do with this female-bodied human.
It seemed to take hours before our shirts came off and, awkwardly stalling with my hands frozen unnaturally at my sides, my gracious hostess finally put me out of my bi-curious misery: “You know, we don’t have to do this at all,” she said. “We can just snuggle.” I wonder how audible my sigh of relief really was.
In formalized sex education and the media, we’ve all learned the predetermined course of action for penis-and-vagina sex: foreplay, intercourse, male ejaculation, fin. But there is no classical road map when it comes to girl-on-girl action.
We were more successful the next time and, over the course of our year-long relationship, I really got the sex-with-a-girl-thing down. These days my lady-laden romance resume speaks for itself — I can do The Lesbian Sex. And all you straight, bi-curious, bisexual and/or newly queer women can, too, with a little advice.
The first question I get from my bi-curious friends is, “How can you tell a girl is into women?”
What this question actually means is, “How can I tell it’s safe to hit on a particular girl?” Can you ever tell that anyone is into you, regardless of what’s in their pants? Is there such a thing as a zero-risk come-on? Not really. Just crank up your A-game and go for it.
First up, get the girl!
No one likes a “two-Corona queer,” the straight girls who obnoxiously hit on any vagina within a three-yard radius because they’re drunk and the frat boys are watching. (Okay, so no one likes a two-Corona queer besides the frat boys). Lesbians are humans. Treat us with respect if you want to take us home. The fewer Coronas, the better.
Avoid sleeping with similarly straight, inexperienced women. If you were ever in high school, chances are you know how awkward sex can be when two virgins are trying to have it. Let your experienced lady-lover take the lead initially. It’s easier and learning by example is pleasurable, to say the least.
No, you don’t have to “act like a dude” to hit on women. We’re into ladies. That’s kind of the point.
Next, get it on.
So, you’ve got your first beautiful babe in your bedroom. Now what? Heed the same advice I give to anyone trying to have good sex with a new partner: Stay open about your comfort levels, ask questions and have a sense of humor. Many people assume that because women have the same anatomy, we know exactly what to do with it. But losing your lady virginity is similar to losing any virginity; these body parts are unfamiliar, you’re suddenly baby-elephant kinds of clumsy, and you second-guess everything. This is simultaneously overwhelming and freeing — make it up for yourselves!
Women are great listeners. So, as a first-timer, ask questions. Take your time. Oh, and cut your fingernails. Yes, your manicure is lovely, but my vagina is more lovely and I’d like to keep it that way. Cut. Your. Fingernails.
V-Spot Bonus Question: “If I’m a female, does sleeping with a woman mean I’m gay?” Really? Who cares? Call your sexuality “fluid” and get back to enjoying yourself.•