The V-Spot: Are We Ready for a Threesome?

Me and my boyfriend of two years are looking to have a threesome. We are wanting to try it with a female, and a male. We are wanting to do this to enhance our sex life, and are not looking to add anyone into our relationship. We are both very open and honest with each other and think this would be a lot of fun for both of us.

But we both have a little tinge of fear of it complicating our relationship. I’ve heard it a million times: “Want a divorce? Have a threesome!” How do we know we are ready to get into something like this? Is there a good way to go about doing this that will ease the doubt that your partner could be more into the new person than you?

— Unsure About a Third

Want a divorce? Violate your partner’s trust and boundaries! Hold back your honest feelings in the name of “protecting” your partner! Have a threesome in lieu of telling your partner that you want to see other people solo!

What I mean to say is: Your relationship can absolutely survive a threesome. It’s not the threesome that kills it, but the relationship structure itself.

Is the basic infrastructure of your relationship sturdy enough not to collapse under the added weight of bringing someone else into your sex life? Can you and your boyfriend have honest discussions about your hopes and fears for this sexual experience? More importantly, is your relationship elastic enough to accommodate unpredictable physical, sexual, and maybe even romantic attraction to a guest-star?

I totally get the fear that your partner will be “more into” your special threesome friend. Our desire brain is like: “Threesome! Yes! Hot!” and then our anxious relational brain is all: “What if? What if? What if?” My advice to you is to control what you can control and then process the inner security it takes to handle the uncontrollable — namely, sexual, romantic, and relational risk.

Things you can control: boundaries and agreements made between the two of you and then between the two of you and your third. These include safer sex agreements, off-limits practices (for example, certain types of penetration, positions, sex toys, etc.), and logistical details (is this a one-night stand? Sleep over? Booty call or dinner date? Are you seeking someone from your friend network or an internet random?). Remember, though it’s key that you and your boyfriend are on the same page about these, your third person is also a human with boundaries and consent rights. Make sure he or she is informed about what is being agreed to and has ample opportunity to state personal boundaries.

Things you can’t control: nebulous things like feelings, desire, and physical displays of sexual functioning. How do you even measure how “into” the third y’all are? Busting out a boner measuring-tape or wetness dipstick? This is an excellent way to ruin a threesome and relationship.

Rather than inviting your partner to be dishonest with you or with himself by telling him — or yourself — that you’re not allowed to be “too into” your third, make a plan for how to share and process feelings that may come up during and after the group sex experience.

Get in touch with relational and/or erotica “compersion,” a term referring to taking pleasure from witnessing your partner’s relational or erotic pleasure with people other than yourself. What are your motivations for a threesome, specifically? Experimenting with another woman can be exciting if you’ve previously identified as straight, but if you also think it’s going to be super hot to watch your boyfriend get down and dirty with another person, then your window of opportunity for experiencing crushing jealousy just got a little smaller. Sweet!

Make a solid post-threesome plan to make sure everyone involved feels taken care of. Does your third want y’all to check in with him or her, or are they good to just get in then ghost? What makes you and your boyfriend feel extra special to each other? Do that.

Finally, don’t push yourselves. As fellow sex educator Dawn Serra says, “It’s better to leave everyone wanting more than regretting that they didn’t do less.”

Yana Tallon-Hicks is a pleasure-positive sex writer and educator living in the Pioneer Valley. She has a website bursting with sex advice, resources, and workshops at yanatallonhicks.com.

Yana Tallon-Hicks

Author: Yana Tallon-Hicks

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