Hi Yana,
The first time my partner and I tried nonmonogamy, it went horribly. We discovered all the things not working in our relationship in big, dramatic ways. I escalated a lot in words and tone, and my partner stopped hearing me, didn’t understand my asks for boundaries and agreements, and minimized my asks for security and reassurance.
We recovered from this over the last year. We read “Polysecure,” went through a multi-month stint of couples therapy, and are now really, really solid. Recently, I dated someone, and it felt really good in our anchor partnership to see how much we’ve grown! We have a rolling Google Doc of agreements and needs! We understand ourselves and polyamory better!
My romantic connection ended, and we are back to functional monogamy. Here’s the question: I really want to be polyamorous and am so excited about it in so many ways (values, community, exploration, deeper, more expansive love, etc.), but I’m so scared of falling apart when my partner dates again.
What if I can’t do this? What if it goes so badly the first time my partner dates that I never recover? Is it just a fear of the unknown? I have a trauma background and have done a lot of therapeutic work on discomfort tolerance, but I’m still afraid of just falling apart and failing at this.
Thanks,
Shy to Try
Dear Shy,
Your (and my) “what-if” thinking lives in the future as we try to scratch the itch that we feel to control our lives beyond what’s possible. (Annoyingly,) not making this structural change doesn’t mean changes won’t happen overall. Sure, ask yourself, “What if polyamory goes poorly in this second round?” but while you’re at it, don’t forget to ask, “What do I think might happen if we don’t try this again?” and/or “What if it goes great?” — probably other changes!
Like you say in your question — you and your partner have grown quite a bit in round one! You both got activated (normal in relationships!) and made some mistakes (also normal!), and you also did the work to repair, utilize resources, work on yourselves and pour effort into the relationship. In relationships of all structures, and especially in non-monogamous ones where everyone is agreeing to face some common personal demons like self-comparison, jealousy, attachment wounds and fear of loss and abandonment (no big deal), “failure” is less about having a challenging emotional time and is more about failing to listen, repair, adjust or honor your own and others’ needs and boundaries.
Reassessing and repairing is a huge part of successful polyamory, and it sounds like the two of you have gotten that down. Importantly, this reassessment might include deciding that monogamy is a better fit for you. This is not a failure — rather, it’s an informed decision. For some people, polyamory sounds amazing in theory but, in practice, can feel too threatening to their nervous system or simply do too much damage. This doesn’t mean that you’re not a radical thinker, contemporary relator or expansive individual — it means that you did the work, you put in effort, you looked honestly at the cards on the table and you made informed decisions that support your best-lived life — also not a failure.
Will you never recover if this goes poorly? It depends on what you mean by “recover,” but I’d never say never here. Will you break up if one of you wants a different structure than the other? Maybe. Will you break up after a series of big fights? It’s possible. Will the end of this relationship affect how you relate in the future? Probably. But this is also possible if you stick with monogamy, simply about other things.
Asking yourselves what happens if you don’t try is also important. You may find that not trying preserves what you have and simplifies things in a sustainable way. You may also discover that not trying stews resentments, unmet sexual needs, decreased novelty and a general stifled vibe. Again, you get to decide what is and isn’t tolerable to try or risk and what constitutes a worthy “pay-out.” But unless you’re being dishonest or forceful with yourself and your partner/s about what you really want and need, neither choice does a failure make.
Yana Tallon-Hicks, LMFT is a relationship therapist, sex educator and author living in the Pioneer Valley. You can find her work and her professional contact information on her website, yanatallonhicks.com.