Bizarro Briefs: Perfectly Preserved Surrealist Stache

News of the Weird is no more, but fear not. The Advocate is continuing the tradition of delivering weird news, now as Bizarro Briefs.

Perfectly Preserved Surrealist ‘Stache

If you thought Salvador Dali’s mustache could not have gotten any more legendary, you were mistaken. Forensic experts in Spain said last week that they found the famous surrealist’s long, waxed mustache completely intact when they exhumed his remains for a paternity test demanded by a woman who says she is his daughter and therefore can claim part of the Dali estate. Dali died in 1989 at the age of 84. The mustache remained in its classic reverse-handlebar shape. If the woman is found to be Dali’s daughter, she will be entitled to up to a quarter of Dali’s estate. If not, she could be on the hook for the exhumation costs.

A Chip To Get Chips

Three Square Market, a tech company from Wisconsin, will soon begin implanting microchips in some of its employees. The microchips, which use radio-frequency identification technology, can be implanted between the thumb and forefinger within seconds, according to the company. How will they be used? For opening doors, logging into computers, using copy machines, and — yes — for buying items at the break room mini convenience store. One thing the company specifically said it will not be used for is for GPS tracking, at least that’s what they told USA Today. Implanting the rice-sized chips is voluntary, though the company expects it will get at least 50 takers.

Death of a Beloved Mayor

In 1997, because no human stood for the job, a cat named Stubbs won a write-in campaign to be mayor of Talkeetna, Alaska (pop. 900). Stubbs died this week, according to his family, after more than 20 years of service, several uncontested elections and thousands of naps. Stubbs, though a cat, was also known to tweet. Known on Twitter as @MayorStubbs, his tweets sometimes attacked fellow Twitter-using politician Donald Trump (possibly because he was angling for the job of president). His final tweet came from beyond the grave: “Good news: I’m in Heaven. Bad News: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN.”

More Deserving of a Statue

Snooty the Manatee was the oldest living manatee on record in the world. He died this week in Bradenton, Florida, where he was revered for nearly 70 years. Now a Floridian wants a statue of Snooty to replace a Confederate memorial statue that stands blocks away from the aquarium where he resided. Anthony Pusateri of Sarasota put a petition on change.org that had — as of July 27, four days after Snooty’s passing — more than 10,000 signatures. Pusateri suggested the confederate statue be moved to a museum and out of the public eye so that “a more positive symbol” could take its place. Manatees are serious in Bradenton, which is the largest city in Manatee County.

Sperm Donor

An ex-New York City police officer was convicted this week for throwing semen at a coworker in 2015, an incident that also cost him his job. The former officer’s defense for the act, which was caught on security camera at NYPD headquarters, was that it was not semen, but saliva. Lab tests, however, concluded otherwise. The former officer, who declined comment after the verdict was read, now faces up to three months in prison. The victim, a 63-year-old administrative aid, also sued the city. She was awarded nearly $150,000.

What Are You — Chicken?

A trade deal between the United States and the United Kingdom came upon a stumbling block this week, as British protesters called for a blockade against U.S. chicken. In the European Union, from which the U.K. recently voted to leave, stringent hygiene standards are imposed on chicken coops and slaughter houses. The U.S. takes a different approach, blasting the bird carcasses with chlorine after they are killed to remove harmful bacteria. Previously, “chlorinated” birds were banned from Britain. In response to the British International Trade Secretary Liam Fox saying the chlorinated birds were a non-issue, Executive Director James McGrory of Open Britain, a pro-Europe group, challenged him to eat chlorine-washed chicken and broadcast it live.

Tell It To My Blade

—-A Florida man was brought in on multiple charges after he threatened to kill a couple with a samurai sword. The couple — in their early 20s — said they were confused when the man, who was driving in front of them, slowed down and sped up and made hand gestures at them from his car. The couple attempted to pass him, but the man sped up and struck them in the fender. Both vehicles pulled to the side of the road, and the man approached them aggressively. When they told him to back off, he returned to his car, and then came back with a 25-inch samurai sword, threatening to “kill them both.” Somehow, police arrested the man “without incident,” according to the Tampa Bay Times.

—-A one-armed man from Maine was arrested this week while police say he was drunkenly walking down a road wearing a black-hooded sweatshirt, a clown mask, and a machete taped to where his arm had been amputated. The man, who was held on $200 bail, said he was trying to copycat other creepy clowns. Good job.

They Must Really Like Biscuits

A 40-year journey is set to be completed this year. Ray and Wilma Yoder, both 80, of Goshen, Indiana, have visited 644 out of 645 Cracker Barrel locations. The 645th and final restaurant is in Taulatin, Oregon, which they plan to visit later this year. Yes, it must cost quite a bit traveling to all those distant restaurants, but the couple doesn’t skimp when they arrive. For it to count, they must fulfill two rules: they must buy something, and they have to leave a tip, they said.

The Day The Music Died

Marriages often begin with an outpouring of music. This one ended with the destruction of musical instruments. A Chinese woman was arrested this week for an incident in 2014 in which she broke into her former husband’s home in Japan and destroyed his violin collection — 54 in all — and 70 bows. The man was a maker and a collector of violins. The monetary cost of the collection was close to $1 million.

Drive in the Drunkway

Three years after a man was arrested while driving drunk in his driveway and bumping into items in his garage in Northville, Michigan, that state’s Supreme Court this week determined that he had actually committed no crime. Police were called to the area because we was listening to loud music in the car. The fact that his blood alcohol level was three times the legal limit was irrelevant, the court said, because he was not driving on a publicly accessible road.  

Dave Eisenstadter can be reached at deisen@valleyadvocate.com.

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