Dear Yana,

In my post-big-breakup dating life, I’ve decided to start using Feeld [a dating app that’s basically Tinder for couples and singles seeking to be matched for threesome arrangements].

I’ve always been open to the idea of a three-way both sexually and as a triad relationship style. However, I identify as a queer/bisexual woman and am noticing that with so many couples on this app, both the man and the woman in a hetero-paired couple identify as straight rather than heteroflexible, queer, bisexual, or even questioning.

I guess I’m sort of turned off by the idea of being an experiment and would rather find a couple where BOTH parties know how to sleep with a woman and are actually attracted to me as a person and not just as a fun game they’re playing.

It seems mean to just be like “Straight folks swipe left!” but at the same time, I want to have a sexually satisfying experience. How do I find a threesome that works for me amongst all these straight-identifying people??

Thanks,

Head Over Feelds

Dear Head Over Feelds,

Sexuality is often unseen and can be a deeply personal process to label. While I understand the instinct to shirk away from someone who presents like they might not know what to do with your anatomy, sexuality, or gender the truth is you really never know how any connection will go, regardless of labels, and all sexual connections involve a learning curve of some kind.

It’s totally possible that some of these women might identify as “straight” and still be sexually interested in women. Or maybe have even had experiences with women before you. Claiming a new label for oneself publicly can be a sometimes difficult, slow process. There are so many intersecting reasons why someone might choose one self-identifier over the other — reasons that are getting more rich and complex by the minute with our modern-day spectrums of anatomy, gender, sexuality, and relationships.

There are a few ways you can seek out a couple that might work for you and not treat you like an experiment. Of course all threesomes are not created equal, just as not all two-person relationships or sexual experiences are created equal. Don’t let the novelty of an extra person distract you from finding a good fit. More and more threeways, triads, and otherwise non-traditional relationships are becoming more accepted and just not that freaky anymore so no need to drop your standards.

First, you can put out the flavor of “I’m seeking two partners who are both attracted to queer women” without instructing people to swipe left in a way you think is mean. One of the best parts of online dating is the platform to outright state what you’re looking for, clearly and upfront. So take advantage.

Seek out couples where both members share the reins in your initial chats online. It’ll help you get to know both your suitors and each of their virtual flirting styles can help inform you about their individual interests and desires for you.

Chatting with both of them can also give you some clues about whether their threesome proclivities are based on trust and lust or if they might be grabbing at save-our-sex-life straws. This distinction can make a big difference in the quality and comfort of your group sex experience and the former can better ensure that you won’t leave feeling used or emotionally slimed.

A well-oiled threeway dynamic whether sexual, romantic, or both can be a satisfying and fun experience provided that everyone is on the same page about what’s to be expected in terms of emotional attachments, enthusiastic yes sex acts, hard no limits, and which boundaries feel like they might be flexible over time.

Finding a couple that’s comfortable with each other and has stellar communication between the two of them can radically change your personal experience as an invited third guest. The last thing you want is to leave feeling like you either patched their relationship together or inadvertently caused hurt or jealousy. As someone newly broken up, Head Over Feelds, I doubt that’s what you’re looking for in your threeway. Welcome to the tri-fold. And good luck!

Yana Tallon-Hicks is a relationship therapist, sex educator, and writer living in the Pioneer Valley. You can find her work and her professional contact information on her website, http://www.yanatallonhicks.com.