Bizarro Briefs: Lava S’mores Are Not Cool

Taking a break from posting about the volcanic doom on Hawaii, The U.S. Geological Survey’s Twitter account fielded this question: “Is it safe to roast marshmallows over volcanic vents? Assuming you had a long enough stick, that is? Or would the resulting marshmallows be poisonous?” The USGS replied, “Erm… we’re going to have to say no, that’s not safe. (Please don’t try!) If the vent is emitting a lot of SO2 or H2S, they would taste BAD.” And the agency also noted that if you add sulfuric acid to sugar, “you get a pretty spectacular reaction.” In layman’s terms: it turns into a huge black crusty molten snake. Try sticking that between some graham crackers.

Cat ladies unite

There’s loving your cat and then there’s the Licki Brush. Licki Brush is a prosthetic tongue for humans designed by PDX Pet Design. It allows cat owners to take bonding with their kitties to whole new level. PDX Design says, “cats groom each other as a form of social bonding,” The company goes on to reason that “by licking your cat, you are not just bonding with your pet, but also soothing yourself in a process.” They describe it as “meditative.” It’s also good news for the feline lover who’s been using their tongue to clean their cat – no more fur balls!

Explosive trash

In May 2018, A man in London, Ontario in Canada was taking out the trash on his way to a doctor’s appointment. He hopped a fence in his backyard, landing on what looked like a giant bullet next to a full trash bag. It was live artillery shell dating back to World War I filled with 20 to 30 pounds of explosives. The man dialed 911 and when police arrived, they called the bomb squad. The Canadian Forces Explosive Ordnance Disposal team analyzed the shell, which is still a common find in Europe, but remained perplexed. How did a World War I artillery shell find its way across the ocean to a backyard in Ontario? The world may never know.

Urine trouble

A woman in Aurora, Colorado, allegedly used a 7-Eleven microwave to heat up a plastic bottle filled with urine, which, surprise, blew up in the microwave. The hot pee dripped out of the microwave, according to Denver NBC affiliate KUSA. When the bottle exploded, the woman allegedly left the convenience store. The on-duty clerk was rightfully pissed and threatened to call law enforcement if the woman didn’t clean up the mess. The woman took napkins and wiped the urine on the floor before walking out again and that’s when the cops were called. Police officers found that the woman was due to take a urinalysis test for a potential employer. Ultimately, the pee exploder was cited for damaging the $500 microwave. She never did take that drug test that day.

Smell ya later

A flight from the Netherlands headed to the Spanish island of Gran Canaria was diverted when a man’s b.o. overwhelmed fellow passengers, causing them to faint and vomit. The “unbearable” smell of the “unwashed” man caused such a stink, the plane had to make an emergency landing. A passenger described the man’s smell: “It was like he hadn’t washed himself for several weeks. Several passengers got sick and had to puke.” An airline spokesman said: “The airplane diverted because of medical reasons, but it is indeed right that he smelled quite a bit.” It’s not the first time this airline has had a smelly incident. In February, a plane was forced to make an emergency landing because a passenger couldn’t stop farting. The flight from Dubai to Amsterdam had to land in Vienna after a brawl between passengers broke out because of the passenger’s funky flatulence.

Poolside hygienx

A video showing an unidentified woman sitting on the edge of a Florida public pool, shaving her legs has social media in an uproar. The woman was casually shaving as children swam nearby. The children did not appear to notice her personal hygiene routine gone public. One person posted, “Yeah I used to work at a public pool and for whatever reason they attract the worst of humanity.” The Orlando Sentinel reported Florida has “extensive statutes regarding pool safety” which include directing swimmers to bathe before entering a pool and “no spitting or bodily fluids in the pool.” There does not, however, seem to be any statutes against shaving in a pool.

Where’s the beef?

A1 Steak Sauce revealed a trio of flavors for meat candles, including “Classic Burger,” “Original Meat,” and “Backyard BBQ.” Those looking to get the tasty original A1 scent should choose the “Original Meat” variety, as it contains the “signature aroma” of the steak sauce. The candles are a limited edition and are a way for A1 to get into the Father’s Day merch market. If you’re an insatiable carnivore, you’ll be delighted to know these candles will burn for a good 50-70 hours.

A bitter pill

A man from New York is suing CVS because he says his marriage fell a part when a loose-lipped employee told his wife he had a prescription for Viagra. The man says he suffered “genuine, severe mental injury and emotional harm” after the leak that eventually led to the demise of his happy union. He’s suing for unspecified damages and is said to be feeling pretty deflated.

Only in Florida

Officials in Lake Worth, Florida, say they still don’t know who sent a “zombie alert” to residents following a power outage in late May. An investigation is underway to determine how 7,800 residents got the message: “zombie alert for Lake Worth and Terminus.” Terminus is as city in the show Walking Dead. They’ve at least determined it wasn’t an employee, and an official says, “no one was fired for it.” There was, however, a hacking issue during Hurricane Irma last September; city officials think it might have been an overlooked message left in the alert system.

Have an idea for Bizarro Briefs? Send it to deisen@valleyadvocate.com.

Author: Gina Beavers. Chris Goudreau.

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