There’s a central theme to what fills me with dismay about my country. (And this time I mean all of it, not just Texas.) It’s full of good, decent people who, I believe, are mostly generous and want to do the right thing. So what is it about us Americans that we have immense power and wealth at our disposal, and all we seem to be able to do with it is choose from a) blow up stuff, or b) improve Cheetohs?

There’s a world of fascinating possibilities out there, but when everyone’s conditioned to be more interested in making an informed decision between the leading brands of bottled Italian dressing rather than, say, checking out the the brightest comet in 30 years, our finest minds only come up with stuff like this.

Sometimes I feel like the Rapture has happened, but everyone except the 200 people I know has been teleported to business school instead of the pearly gates. Aren’t there any mad scientists anymore?