[Today’s guest post, the second in what will be an entirely unsystematic, unpredictable, possibly nonexistent series of guest posts from friends of Masculinity and its Discontents (FO-MAIDs, for short), comes to us from Tom Devine, the founder/editor/sole author of The Baystate Objectivist (aka "Tommy Devine’s Online Journal,") which claims to be the Valley’s oldest blog and is, in any case, a strange and delightful brew of libertarian ideology; photography; vlogging; top-notch local political reporting and analysis; reminiscence of a youth misspent with hippies, yippies, beatniks, and assorted other lowlifes; and whatever else takes Tom’s fancy.
To Tom…]
To be born gay is to be granted a lifetime front row seat in the stadium of human sexual hypocrisy. Granted is perhaps the wrong word – assigned a seat is more like it, because you have to watch whether you want to or not. If you’re gay it comes right at you, our phony sexually dysfunctional society, early and often.
Men started coming on to me before I was old enough to even know what they wanted. I have a high metabolism which keeps me thin with well-defined muscles without having to do very much to maintain it. An early ancestor married a Canadian Indian, so I inherited the Indian tendency toward minimal body hair, giving me a smooth physical appearance that lots of gays like. On top of that I have a strong sex drive and a big dick. So genetically I was made not just psychologically gay but programmed in advance with the physical features that would make me especially attractive to predators looking for a boytoy. The chances of me maintaining any kind of sexual innocence past puberty were virtually zero.
In fact, I probably lost that innocence well before puberty. I think that is probably what’s behind the smoking craters in my memory bank where certain parts of my childhood should be. I don’t know what it is those craters erased, and I don’t need to know. I trust myself on that. But I suspect that whatever it was that I can’t remember was probably my earliest introduction to the sexual hypocrisy, in this case the phony rule that children are off limits to horny adults. That rule gets broken a lot, certainly much more often than police statistics or media accounts would reveal.
Another of the phony sex concepts is that of bisexuality, the notion of the person who moves between one sex and the other with equal passion. Since the world is endlessly diverse, perhaps a tiny number of such individuals exist somewhere, but too few to mention. I would suggest that 99% of every person claiming to be bisexual is really as queer as a three dollar bill.
I say that because I think queerness is a powerful force of nature. I agree with the justification for homosexuality offered by the scientist R. Buckminster Fuller, who predicted (in the 1930s no less) that homosexual behavior among humans would only increase with the passage of time. He based that prediction on his observations of nature. For example, when certain trees are producing seeds at a certain level, and something causes a large number of those trees to die, the surviving ones will automatically increase the amount of seeds they produce. The same thing works in reverse, if too many trees of one species occupy an area, the seed production per tree within that area will decline.
Something similar to this phenomenon observed in plants has also been noted in experiments with mammals. In tests where mice were allowed to reproduce freely in a cage that was never increased in size, as the space became more crowded the more mice began engaging in homosexual behavior. Dr. Fuller observed that plants and animals seemed to have natural biological brakes that clicked on when runaway population growth threatened the species survival chances. So concluding that it was improbable that mankind, alone among living things, had no such natural population growth inhibitors, he therefore correctly predicted there would be an increase in the prevalence and the pressure for acceptance of homosexuality. Fuller regarded that as the inevitable and completely natural response to rising human population growth. In other words, gay people will save the planet by preventing us from reproducing ourselves into extinction.
If so, then the Christian and Islamic religious fundamentalists have got it completely backwards when they say that queerness is an aberration. Instead homosexuality is completely in harmony with nature, or "God’s Will" as they like to say, and it is suppressing and condemning it that is contrary to natural law. But of course we rarely think of anything sexual in such clean, scientific terms. Instead a great many people respond to queerness with fear, hatred and shame, and that is the reason why I don’t believe in bisexuality. If you can overcome all the negative messages you get in this society about being gay, especially if you are male, then you’ve got to have a powerful incentive to do it. It’s got to be like it’s a force of nature calling on you to seek dick. You are not going to go down on that cock in a casual way, there are too many taboos to break and prices to pay for anyone to do that except out of a real biological need.
The bottom line is you’ve got to more than just want that cock, its got to be more than an experiment, or you wouldn’t be able to get past the societal disapproval you are gonna face when that cocksucking gets found out. It has to be in your basic nature, and therefore no matter how much someone may have experiences with both sexes, I believe they’re really queer at their core. Don’t give me this, "I’m bi" bullshit because I will tell you that you are a cocksucking queer no matter how many girls you’re slumming with on the side. Denial of that fact by hiding behind the false concept of bisexuality is just more of the phony hypocrisy.
Another really phony concept is that of "straightness." I’m not saying that there are no people who are exclusively heterosexual in their behavior, in fact the vast majority of people are. I just have never been able to identify such completely straight people with any certainty. On the contrary, I’ve learned through experience to always regard all protests of straightness with an attitude that would best be summed up by the phrase, "Ya never know."
For example, there are the "straight" guys who have sex with you and then try to pretend it never happened. Before I understood the psychology behind this behavior, I used to sometimes find myself having weird conversations like this at the end of sexual encounters.
Him: "That wasn’t really sex."
Me: "What are you talking about? We’ve been fucking each other for over an hour!"
Him: "I only did it because you seduced me."
Me: "I seduced you? Good God, you practically ripped my clothes off!"
Him: "I don’t really like gay sex."
Me: "Dude, you begged me to fuck you up the ass!"
In time I learned to understand what was going on. It was apparently important to these "straight" guys that they not think of themselves as gay. Therefore at the end of our queer fuckfest they would have to put all the blame on me so that they could think of themselves as straight again. At first I resented this but eventually came to accept it. I really just wanted to fuck, not cure someone’s neurotic fears about their sexual identity. Besides, I found that if I gave them back their masculinity by letting them cast me in the role of the evil queer tempter who had led them astray, then the chances were excellent that they would come back and let me fuck them again. More stupid, phony hypocrisy, but at least I often got some good sex out of it.
But sometimes I don’t even get that. I’m talking about the really sick individuals, the pathetic ones, and every gay person has dealt with them. They’re always closet cases who come on to you with great anxiety and only after much stressful deliberation. I can see it in the way they approach me, and I’ve learned to recognize the earliest signs, such as the repeated artificial attempts to get alone with me, only to lose their nerve and nothing happens. I dread this dance when I see it starting, and I want nothing more than to bring what’s happening out into the open, but I’ve learned that when I do that the results are always bad. They deny everything – how could I even think that they would want to do such a thing – I’m the one with the sick dirty mind, not them. So I do nothing and when they finally do find the courage to make their move, I try to make the best of it.
It ain’t easy. I can’t stand the look on their face when they finally ask if they can blow me. I can see all the pain, the terrible psychic landscape of guilt and shame and self-loathing they had to crawl through to get to the point of being able to ask for my cock. Worst of all is the terror in their eyes, the fear that I will refuse them, but also the fear that I will accept. I’m usually overwhelmed with pity, and pity is the least erotic emotion there is. But I can’t be so cruel, or is it so brave, as to refuse them.
So I let them blow me, while I close my eyes and imagine it’s somebody else. As a rule it’s a lousy blow job. You would think, having finally obtained what they desire, that they would relish it and luxuriate in it and make me last as long as they could. Instead they go down on me furtively, clumsy with guilt and inexperience, not really into it because it’s the idea of what they’re doing that they’re obsessed with, not the actual doing it. The sick part is it’s their own shame in what they’re doing that they’re getting off on. They suck too fast and too hard because they want to make me come as quickly as possible so they can retreat into some mental closet where they can torture themselves with the self-loathing guilt of it all, until the need to do it returns once again. But I don’t let them come back to me. I never let anyone put me through a scene like that more than once. It’s too depressing.
I’m not sure I have any answers to all this sexual hypocrisy. Except maybe the same things that are the answer to non-sexual hypocrisy – openness, honesty, acceptance of the truth and tolerance for what can’t be changed. I don’t know if that’s the whole answer, but I know that’s where it starts. Tear down the walls. Let’s make a world where we can all fuck freely! Push aside the curtains and let the sun shine in.
