The American people must love sports metaphors, because they use them so often to shed light on just about any person, place or thing.
For example, no metaphor better sums up the character of George W. Bush than "he was born on third base and thinks he hit a triple." Likewise, the married, "family values" Sen. Larry Craig (R-Idaho) could, for his men's room forays, be called a "switch hitter"; and even when caught with his trousers and boxers around his ankles, Craig reached for that consoling sports metaphor, blaming any appearance of impropriety on his "wide stance."
Rudy Giuliani's trouncing in the Iowa caucus and New Hampshire primary could happily be described as an "inning-ending double play." And his sex-ploits as New York's mayor—shagging one woman while his wife lived in Gracie Mansion—might best be labeled "hitting to all fields" or even "going deep."
You get the idea. Here is a sports metaphor that describes the performance of the U.S. Congress: they just set the record for most consecutive strikeouts. And that was before they got anywhere near baseball.
Alas, proving that there is no issue so remote that politicians won't exploit it, the U.S. Congress is now investigating major league baseball. Specifically, Rep. Henry Waxman, chair of the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee—and otherwise one of the few in Congress to stand up to the Bush junta—has convened hearings on steroid use in professional baseball. Former Sen. George Mitchell was on the "hot corner" as Rep. Waxman "hit line drives" at him.
Mitchell authored the recent Mitchell Report, which dropped names like the Yankees' Roger Clemens and Andy Pettitte and nearly the entire Baltimore Orioles roster as known steroid users. Though just about every team in baseball, including the minor leagues, has been bathing in a stew of steroids and amphetamines since the days of Jim "Ball Four" Bouton, no members of the Boston Red Sox were tainted by the scandal (Mitchell sits on the Red Sox advisory board and should never have been picked for this job).
That notwithstanding, one might rightfully ask of Congress: WTF?! The economy is imploding, Americans want their sons and daughters to quit dying in Iraq, the ice caps are melting, oil prices are through the roof, the stock market is collapsing, people are losing their houses at a rate not seen since the Great Depression, and the U.S. Congress is grandstanding about big boys with little balls. It's unseemly at best and criminally negligent at worst. Think about it. Congress will bust the balls of Miguel Tejeda while letting George W. Bush, Dick Cheney and Alberto Gonzalez walk without even a parking ticket.
This charade is 15 years too late. Fifteen years is exactly the amount of time Bud Selig has been commissioner of baseball. Selig made his grubstake selling used cars, parlaying that money into ownership of the Milwaukee Brewers baseball team. He was brought in as commissioner in 1992 when club owners decided they didn't want Fay Vincent as commissioner because he wanted to clean up the corruption and loosen the monopolistic bonds of the only business in America exempt from anti-trust laws. Selig was Vincent's "interim" replacement. He was the George W. Bush of baseball, a malleable simpleton who ignored problems that, to address, would cost the owners a few extra dollars and benefit the fans with a little more balance in team quality.
Failing up is a recurrent theme these days. After his appearance before Congress this week, Selig was given a 3-year contract extension by the club owners as baseball commissioner. So baseball's worst-ever commissioner will be the second longest-serving (behind Kennesaw Mountain Landis) when he leaves in 2012.
