The ACLU’s just revealed that the "terrorist watch list" has hit one million names! This isn’t even the "terrorist suspect list," mind. You’re a terrorist or you wouldn’t be on it, right? Which is why those unfortunates who get on the list and spend hours at the airport being questioned every time they fly don’t get any way to challenge being on the list except submitting a single complaint via a website, even if they aren’t the same Tom Smith who might actually need to be on such a list. But of course, they can’t tell you if you’re on the list or not.
But the criteria are clear, according to the FBI site, so no worries:
"Are there U.S. citizens in the TSDB?
Yes, U.S. citizens are included in TSDB if they meet the HSPD-6 terrorism nexus criteria."
Good heavens! Everybody knows this season’s nexus is the HSPD-7 LXi, people!
But let’s examine the premise a bit here. The U.S. currently has around 300 million people. So the list contains the names of one out of every 300 people. Say "terrorists" were evenly distributed across our land. Look at the population of Northampton, around 30,000. One out of 300 means there are 100 "terrorists" right here in town! You never know where they’ll pop up. Watch out for those coffee pourers at the Haymarket, though–I hear it’s a collective or some other kind of lefty scary thing.
And just the other day, I saw somebody with a beard and dreadlocks. I bet that dude’s a terrorist for sure. Once you key into who they are, you can really start picking these guys out of a crowd. Maybe we should all start forwarding new names for the list to DHS? They’d probably appreciate the help.
I can also reveal here, for the first time, a copy of the helpful guide to spotting terrorists as used by DHS.
TERRORISTS:
NOT TERRORISTS:
These two are, however, suspected terriers, and so should probably be put on the list anyway.
