Dear Secretary Paulson: In light of the fact that the federal government has decided to buy up all the bad debt and devalued investments out there, I would like to offer my own toxic assets for purchase:
1,000+ Comic Book Collection: Despite having paid top dollar for many of these publications, I cannot seem to sell them for anything close to their Overstreet Price Guide value. Even my Frank Miller Wolverine miniseries languished on eBay (the freest of free markets), awaiting a buyer who, alas, would never come.
Hamilton Beach Blender: This expensive piece of crap broke within two months of my purchasing it, necessitating hours of hand-blending my fruit smoothies and frozen margaritas.
Svetlana, My Russian Mail Order Bride: At first, Svetlana was attractive, a superstar at cooking and cleaning and eager to please in every way. Lately, though, she's put on a lot of weight and let the house go to hell. Instead of cooking me that scrumptious borscht and making passionate love to me at night, she now lies on the couch watching Dr. Phil and slugging peppermint schnapps from a mason jar.
Thomas Kincade Painting: I was assured that my copy of Victorian Christmas IV (1995) could go nowhere but up in value. But Kincade's "$0 down, 12-month financing plan" contained insidious fine print, like many subprime mortgages, jacking my interest rate to 9,000 percent when the balance was not paid in the initial year. With my devalued comic book investments and Svetlana's schnapps habit, I'm struggling in a sea of debt.
Gary: Gary was a Colombian tree frog I purchased at exoticpets.com. I heard that Warren Buffet had one, so I figured he'd be a good investment. But Gary died in the mail, and UPS refused to take responsibility for his demise. He now sits, a dried husk, in a mason jar on the window sill, and I secretly pray that Svetlana will accidentally put schnapps in his jar and drink him, thus somewhat consolidating my losses. In the meantime, please send a sum total of $642,966.00, preferably in yuan."
Post a list of the toxic assets you'd like the Secretary to buy in the comments below.
