It's been a hell of year, hasn't it? More war, environmental destruction and economic meltdown has left us all with a bitter taste in our mouths. For many of us, it's hard to even conceive of keeping the rent paid, much less shopping for the holidays. Still, there are some items that America just can't live without this season, and there are armored WalMart employees out there ready to sell them to you. Don't trample them!
Sony Playstation 10: Plays not only the hottest of new video game titles but also CDs, DVDs, WAV files, MP3s, vinyl records, cassette tapes and 8-tracks. Coming soon: the Playstation 11 with wax cylinder compatibility.
Gangsta Bitch Barbie: Once also the name of a popular rock band, the doll version comes complete with cell phone, brass knuckles, J-Lo Miracle Girdle, "brushed metal" Derringer and extra-long cocaine pinky fingernail.
Candyland Ray Nagan "Chocolate City" Special Edition: A big seller among New Orleans children. Choose between a sewage-soaked 9th Ward tenement or a formaldehyde-soaked FEMA trailer to use for your home base while you scavenge for food, clean water and antibiotics.
Thomas the Lead-Painted Tank Engine: Bringing the joys of irritability, aggressiveness, hyperactivity, distraction, impulsiveness, learning problems, lack of interest in play and loss of appetite to all the children of the world, courtesy of your friendly Shanghai sweatshop!
Junior Scientists' Mini-Hadron Collider: Will your kids create a black hole that sucks the earth into oblivion? Only random physics can tell!
Subprime Mortgage Monopoly: Lend money to every wino on Baltic Avenue who can stop shaking from DTs long enough to sign an adjustable-rate loan! Who says they can't afford a house just because they have regular conversations with Henry VIII? Just make sure to get out before the bubble bursts, or pray for that "Community Chest" bailout!
Terri Schiavo Tamagotchi: Okay, you kids want something to take care of? This "digital vegetable" will be good practice for when your folks get to be a burden.
Auto Industry Transformers: Ever wonder why we can make robots that turn into semi-trucks but not mass-produce hybrid cars that we've had the technology to make for almost 10 years already? Hope for the future lies with the creativity of your children.
G.I. Joe Suicide Bomber: Wildly popular in the Middle East, this jihadist doll comes complete with explosive vest and the (abridged) al Qaeda edition of the Koran. Not quite as many accessories as Frog-Man G.I. Joe, and unfortunately a single-use toy, but still a good time.
Nintendo Wii Pilates: Two crazes in one! Hold the Wii controller between your thighs and do crazy sit-ups on a giant virtual ball. Also works as birth control if you keep holding it there.
Pirates of the Red Sea! On DVD: Forget Pirates of the Caribbean. These Somalis have serious machine guns and RPGs that will leave Captain Jack Sparrow peeing in his britches. Hide the oil!
Dora the Explorer at Tora Bora: Think these caves are deserted? I don't know—I still smell Taliban.
—Happy Holidays!
