I am inspired to creatively ponder the possible futures of the neo-conservative posse now that President-elect Obama has ridden in on his white horse and the oil can of power has been cast into Mt. Doom.
As a template, I have looked to the end of 1978's National Lampoon's Animal House, in which each character is freeze-framed in some particularly anarchistic pose during their fraternity's assault on the town's big parade, and a subtitle foretells their future (i.e. "Douglas Niedermeyer: Killed in Vietnam by his own troops"). Though my Magic 8-Ball is a bit old and murky (it may even be filled with eighth-grade-era bongwater), I pulled it out of the attic for one more go; this is what it foretold:
THE BRASS
George W. Bush: Chokes on his own vomit at a toga party in Paraguay. When sampled, the vomit is shown to contain tainted beef, antidepressants, cocaine, male birth control pills, stem cells and (yes) European beer, in a base of sangria. Won't get fooled again!
Dick Cheney: Lives on as a disembodied head in a tank of life-giving fluids, giving orders to the Blackwater army that has taken over the seceded "Utah/Wyoming/Idaho" Territory: "Apologize or I'll have Rambo shoot you in the face! I'm Dick Cheney, bitch!"
Karl Rove: Embarks on five-year mission to boldly overthrow Steve Jobs; recalls all iPhones originally packaged with wallpaper images of him in compromising positions with Michael Jackson. Aww, Turd Blossom.
Andrew Card: What did he whisper in Bush's ear at a Florida elementary school when terrorists were attacking the United States? Answer: "Mojitos in the cafeteria." Now cleaning Minutemen lockers at UMass-Amherst.
Lewis "Scooter" Libby: Exposed as an amyl nitrate addict with a penchant for dwarf sex in Joe Wilson and Valerie Plame's new Beltway tabloid Yellow Cake. Chops off his own penis from the ensuing guilt and shame. Disbarred again!
Richard Armitage: Last seen with a pillowcase full of Molotov cocktails, threatenting to "bomb you fucking peasants back to the Stone Age" at a Vermont Renaissance fair. Take it easy, Dick, 'Nam's (still) over.
Alberto Gonzales: With the aid of Hasbro, markets the hot new family game "Waterboarding!" Becomes billionaire before class action suits drain his fortune and cause him to develop a severe meth habit, earning him the nickname "Speedy Gonzales." ?ndale!
Ari Fleischer: Ruthlessly defending the center position on Hollywood Squares and demanding that the host include more questions about "No Child Left Behind."
THE CABINET
Donald Rumsfeld: Develops Alzheimer's disease; forcefully hospitalized after trying to privatize his grandchildren's game of RISK.
Colin Powell: Perfecting his Photoshop skills at community college so he can more accurately depict what a WMD looks like. More skulls and crossbones on those flatbed trailers!
Condoleezza Rice: After Bush's death, finally cops to her affair with him on a top-rated Oprah Q&A. She discloses intimate details such as positions they used on the Oval Office floor and a three-way with a Secret Service stud named "Butch."
John Ashcroft: Reaps massive royalties after the global release of country music star Alan Jackson's version of "Let the Eagle Soar." Funds radical group that paints fig leaves on classical masterpieces at the Louvre. Consequently shot 133 times by Mafia descendants of Michelangelo.
Christine Todd Whitman: Falls into vermiculite mine while hiking through the Appalachian mountains and is trapped in an asbestos-dust-filled cave. Wheeze—wheeze—ah, tastes as pure as that Ground Zero air!
Michael Brown: Married to a woman twice his weight and living with 14 children in a formaldehyde-soaked FEMA trailer in coastal Mississsippi. Heck of a job, Brownie!
THE BRAINS
Paul Wolfowitz: Jumps out 78th-story window after World Bank absorbs losses from Third-World hut foreclosures. Oils released from his splattering body prove sufficient to pay for his funeral expenses.
Richard Perle: Still reworking his earlier policy masterpiece with a new twist, calling the revised version the Project for the New Chinese and Indian Century.
Douglas Feith: His continued existence confirms the essential oxymoron "Military Intelligence."
John Bolton: Replaces Wilfred Brimley as mustachioed oatmeal and diabetes medicine spokesperson when Brimley is incarcerated for illegal cockfighting.
Grover Norquist: Clearly the (tax-free) monster at the end of this book.
THE CONGRESSIONAL CO-CONSPIRATORS
Tom Delay: Becomes a hopeless alcoholic while sharing a tribal jail cell with former buddy, lobbyist Jack Abramoff, on a Cherokee reservation in Oklahoma. Warden—more firewater, please!
Bill Frist: Falls into persistent vegetative state, lives to the age of 113 with the aid of machines while his entire family is billed into poverty, forcing them to move into a FEMA trailer with Michael Brown et al. Koochie-koo! Here comes Mr. Feeding Tube again&
Rick Santorum: Still trying to hand out intelligent design brochures at school cafeterias, shouting "God hid those dinosaur bones in your meat loaf to test your faith!"
Larry Craig: Toe-tapping the days away at a Colorado prison with cellmate Ted Haggard. Says former Reverend Ted, "Five more cigarettes and I can get Larry some meth and a blowjob!" Someone call James Dobson; these heathens need some curin'!
Trent Lott: Ripped to pieces and physically devoured when car breaks down in downtown Washington, D.C. Last heard shouting "Help, Lawd! Ah am being eaten bah angry negrahs!!" Pass the Sylvia's Hot Spice!
THE FOURTH ESTATE
Sean Hannity: Sued for millions when one half of couple who met on his Hannidate Internet dating service joins the Progressive Democrats of America.
Bill O'Reilly: Lazing about in the Caribbean, drunk on Mai Tais and workin' one out with one of those loofa falafel thingies. Yeah, baby, keep talking—you're turning me on. Freak.
Rush Limbaugh: Re-enacting Drugstore Cowboy with sidekick Don "Nappy-head" Imus. Your Oxycontin or your life, Mr. Pharmacist!
Ann Coulter: I just heard her jaw was wired shut (this is actually true). How often does karma work that well? Must have happened in an uncontrollable blathering fit after election results were tallied.
THE COURT
Unfortunately, Justices Antonin "Tony" Scalia and Clarence "Long Dong" Thomas are still deeply embedded in our land's highest court, though festering in the most shadowed corners of Mordor. Newbies John Roberts and Samuel Alito may be the wolves in sheep's clothing.
Harriet Miers: Stars in a Celebrity Judge Death Match in a titanic struggle against daytime TV's Judge Judy. Is that the Constitution I see, covered in ichor? Oops, nope, it's just Harriet's Wal-Mart law degree!
THE MONEY MEN
Alan Greenspan: Has mansion pillaged by angry, disenchanted free-market disciples who hurl flaming copies of Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged through his windows. Survives by cleverly disguising himself as Larry King.
Ben Bernanke: Still cutting interest rates into subatomic increments. Ben Blutarsky: 0.0!
Henry Paulson: Reportedly gained several hundred pounds in post-term depressive eating binge. Last seen gorging complimentary buffalo wings at a prominent Las Vegas casino, yelling "Bet it all, baby!" Too big to fail.
