Dear Vice President Joseph Biden:
It says here on the TV that you & the president have made a “team of rivals.” That is interesting b/c what you probly do not know is I (Frank Dodge) and my neighbor Jake are also a team of rivals, sort of.
So I am writing you b/c what I learned on MY team of rivals can help you on YR team of rivals.
What happend was about a week before Xmas I noticed Jake had a 50 lb sack of corn nuts in his basement. I was real happy when I found the corn nuts b/c I love corn nuts and I bet you do too.
Naturally I figured the bag of corn nuts was a present for me. Unfortunately it was not. Jake did not give me corn nuts for Xmas. He shld of, but he did not. In fact Jake did not give me anything atall. I did not give him anything either but if I had a 50 lb bag of corn nuts in my basement I wld of at least gave him a handful of my corn nuts.
Mr. Vice President, how wld you feel if the president had a 50 lb sack of corn nuts and he knew for a fact that you really liked corn nuts? I will tell you: you wld feel happy he had all those corn nuts & you wld make the natural assumption that yr good friend and teammate on yr team of rivals plans to share his corn nuts w/ you for Xmas.
Now, Mr. Vice President, just imagine how you wld feel if he did NOT share his corn nuts w/ you! You wld feel a lot like I felt, but even more so b/c it is not JAKE who is not sharing his corn nuts w/ you it is the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES who is not sharing his corn nuts w/ you. What I mean is, if anyone shld share his corn nuts w/ the vice president it is the president. But he did not share them did he? No he did not. And neither did Jake w/ me.
Now spose Mrs. Biden gave you a telescope for Xmas. That wld be a real coincidence b/c that is also what Dody gave me. Then spose a bunch ofpeople came over to yr house, which is just what happend at my house.
And spose President Obama was one of those people, except instead of once being a community organizer he was instead an astronaut who got kicked out of NASA for behavior unbecoming of an astronaut which coincidentally is just what happend to Jake.
Mr. Vice President, wld you let President Obama use your new telescope right after he did not give you those corn nuts? Ofcourse not. You wld let Travis use it before the president, and then you wld let Big Tiny use it, and ofcourse Dody & even Fat Carl. And then when President Obama started saying, “Hey, when do I get to use the telescope?” you wld remind everyone how he used to be an astronaut & knows all abt space & planets, etc. and then you wld ask yr corn-nut hogging friend questions like, “Say Jake how long does it take Uranus to orbit the sun? Jake is Uranus filled with gas? Jake do you think a spaceship will ever land on Uranus? Jake is Uranus like the sun and you will go blind if you look at it too long?”
You might even do that until yr good friend and teammate on yr team of rivals got real sore and said, “Hey why are you picking on me?” and then you wld blurt, “Because you did not give me any of your corn nuts, that is why!”
I sure do wish I cld take back what I said. I know you know what that feels like Mr. Biden, because you have also said some real dumb things in yr life. That is why after Jake left, I said to myself, “Uh oh. What wld Joe Biden do right now?”
What I think you wld do is wait untill after everyone went to sleep and then you wld sneak over to the White House and leave yr telescope on the porch so the president can use it all he wants. So that is what I did except I left it on Jake’s porch. I did not want to do that but I had to do it b/c otherwise we wld not be a TEAM of rivals, we wld just be rivals.
In the morning, there was a big bag of corn nuts sitting by my front door! Do you know what I did, Mr. Vice President? That is right, I looked right at that bag of corn nuts and said, “You know what, big bag of corn nuts? I and Jake are bigger than you, that is what.”
That is my point, Mr. Vice President. When you are on a team of rivals you need to remember you are bigger then a corn nut & you need to act accordionly. I wld appreciate it if you wld tell this to everyone on yr team of rivals.
Sincerely,
Frank Dodge
P.S. If President Obama did actually give you some corn nuts, can you send me some?
Frank Dodge is a regular contributor to our online edition, writing The Dodge Report blog.
