Dear Will Kussell, President of Dunkin’ Donuts:
It says here in this cease and desist order that I & Jake & Cpt Slow & Oola etc can not run our community business anymore. Well, I just want you to know we were only trying to help President Obama by working together to whether the rocky waves of this economy & I do not think it is fair that DUNKING Donuts will not let us do that & besides the two words do not even sound the same when you spell them right.
How we started Drunken Donuts is back in November we had a meeting abt how to whether the craggy seas of this economy. At our meeting was I & Dody & Jake & Travis & Big Tiny & Cpt Slow & Oola & Nut Mogan & also some fellows what are women & what are all named here in this cease and desist order.
We called our meeting the G8 Summit b/c we met on a hill & started the meeting by playing Battleship. But that is besides the pt, which is that at the G8 we all decided we need to make sum money.
We also decided we wld all work together to spread the wealth around just like President Obama says we shld & we wld “marshall our collective resources,” which is how Jake put it.
For example, I & Big Tiny & Travis all said we wanted to open petting zoos. Talk abt overlap! But Big Tiny does not have any good animals to pet except for a lot of cats & some of them do not look so good & Travis only has sheep & I only have a goat & a gay beefalo. But by working TOGETHER, instead of THREE SMALL petting zoos we can have ONE BIG petting zoo. Then we all decided since Big Tiny has a 18-wheeler but cannot afford to drive it anymore that it shld be a MOBILE petting zoo. All we need is a few more animals which shld not be hard to find b/c the ski area has a petting zoo that is not locked up real good & they even have ostriches.
My point Mister Kussell is that at the G8 we “coordinated ways to innovate our way through these icy shoals,” which is how Jake put it.
Also at the G8 Jake ast the very good question, “What always sells in hard times?” & ofcourse I immediately said “Baked goods!” & then he said “Yes Frank but what else?” & Nut Mogan said “Cigarettes!” & Jake said “Okay, but what else?” & Cpt Slow said “Screech.” & that is how we came to open a bar & a bakery, which we all decided shld be in Cpt Slow & Oolas house since they live closest to town & how it ended up being donuts is b/c Oola is Estonian & everyone knows donuts were invented in Estonia.
Well, Drunken Donuts immediately got a lot of business b/c people came up from town for screech & Oolas donuts & there was lots of yelling, fighting, etc & it sure was an awful lot of fun. So then we all got thinking we wld open a second Drunken Donuts right there in town & if that went good we wld open a 3rd and a 4th one etc & we were all happy & we were thinking how we were going to whether the choppy storms of this economy just fine.
But then do you know what happend? A bunch of DUNKING Donut lawyers showed up & made us turn over ALL our profits or else they said they wld call the police & report us for operating a bar w/o a license or permits & for selling to miners & for not having citizenship papers & hosting cockfights, gambling, boxing matches, etc etc.
If that is not blackmail I just do not know what is.
All we were doing Mister Kussell was whethering the low tide of this economy like the president says we shld & I wld appreciate if you wld let us open our business again. I do not think you shld make us an abject lesson of how big corporations get to make their own rules & will not let the little guys get a piece of American pie. Or in this case, a piece of Estonian donut.
Sincerely,
Frank Dodge
P.S. Just so you know I am not personally sore w/ you over all this, I will make sure we bring our petting zoo to yr neighborhood when we have it up & running.
