Don't look now, fellow GM owners, but we may be able to get out of this economic mess more easily than any of the so-called experts predicted. Mine eyes beheld a miracle this past week: General Motors sold its Hummer brand to a Chinese manufacturer, Sichuan Tengzhong Heavy Industrial Machinery Co.
That's right—even though GM dealers are having trouble pitching their wares to U.S. car buyers, the company itself (now in Chapter 11 bankruptcy and partly "owned" by us taxpayers) has suckered someone into buying a brand nobody wants anymore. Everything about the Hummer screams "obsolete." It wields a huge carbon footprint (10 mpg), takes up too much road and parking space, weighs up to three tons (making it illegal on some streets, though this regulation is never enforced), costs an arm and two legs to buy ($60,000) and insure, remains exempt from many DOT safety regulations, and instantly turns its owner into a sitting target for obscene gestures. As if to reinforce this litany, Hummer sales are down 67 percent from last summer.
Without question, the Hummer is the single item that future historians will cite as the "fiddling-while-Rome-burns" tipping point for global warming and American shortsightedness. And yet we found a willing customer for the brand.
Thank you, Sichuan Tengzhong!
Another miracle occurred only days before this one: Fiat took Chrysler off our hands, too.
Grazie, Fiat!
Both these events tell me that America's "brand" is not as tainted around the world as we may have feared stateside (and Obama's recent trip to the Middle East and Europe has certainly restored some of its luster). Judging from these two events, there are still enough fools beyond our borders eager to part with their money.
This is why I believe we have to strike while the iron is hot and approach Sichuan-Tengzhong and Fiat with more offers. As an unwilling GM stakeholder, I vote that we quickly revive the Chevy Corvair and sell the brand to either of these suckers, er, customers. Ford should do likewise with the Pinto (maybe move the gas tank to the front this time). Why stop there? Nothing says "Classy Retro" like an updated Rambler, Edsel or Studebaker.
Come on, America. Think outside the four-wheeled box. The possibilities for repackaging and reselling outdated American goods are, literally, endless. Since we still excel at exporting our pop culture, let's pitch some of our off brands to unsuspecting customers. The New Kids up on Blocks? Not a problem! Korea will buy them!
What about the entire hair metal genre? Michael Jackson? Tiffany? Meatloaf (the food item and the singer)? Surely Japan would be happy to harbor these pearls.
Taking it one step further, maybe we could re-gift AIG and Citibank, swaddle them in Enron wrapping paper and pitch them to the Kuwaitis. Those oil-rich layabouts still owe us bigtime for the Persian Gulf War. And what about all those other OPEC countries that seemingly have nothing else to spend their money on, like the United Arab Emirates or Oman? Oh, man! I'm thinking that Vanilla Ice and Milli Vanilli might rock their worlds. The expiration date has also long since passed for Dennis Miller, Roseanne Barr, Geraldo Rivera, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Rush Limbaugh. Surely there's a cash-rich country looking for cheap entertainment.
Finally, we seriously need to think about downsizing. Fifty states is far too many. Texas and Mississippi have to go now; Louisiana can be sold back to the French. Florida, Alabama and Nevada will go next. It's a national tag sale. Everything must go!
