Ah, nationalism! Pass me a heap of the greatest jello the world has ever seen, oh ye huddled masses in your amber waves of grain. Forget counter-insurgency–one cold and jiggly slurp of Aunt Ethel’s ambrosia salad and the Taliban would come whimpering into Kabul, empty plates held high, begging for mercy and some deviled eggs.
Which is to say spending the Fourth floating around in the swimming pool with a plate of jello and one of those double-can hats while blasting the Ramones is living.
Oh, and there’s this, from the Onion:
Area Man Passionate Defender Of What He Imagines Constitution To Be
ESCONDIDO, CA—Spurred by an administration he believes to be guilty of numerous transgressions, self-described American patriot Kyle Mortensen, 47, is a vehement defender of ideas he seems to think are enshrined in the U.S. Constitution and principles that brave men have fought and died for solely in his head.
Kyle Mortensen would gladly give his life to protect what he says is the Constitution’s very clear stance against birth control.
…
“Men like Madison and Jefferson were moved by the ideals of Christianity, and wanted the United States to reflect those values as a Christian nation,” continued Mortensen, referring to the “Father of the Constitution,” James Madison, considered by many historians to be an atheist, and Thomas Jefferson, an Enlightenment-era thinker who rejected the divinity of Christ and was in France at the time the document was written. “The words on the page speak for themselves.”
According to sources who have read the nation’s charter, the U.S. Constitution and its 27 amendments do not contain the word “God” or “Christ.”
