Just as Edward Gorey isn’t what he appears to be–an Edwardian Brit–Colonel John Blashford-Snell is a man in the wrong time. In a story from the last few days, the UK’s Telegraph examines Blashford-Snell’s tale of exploration and derring-do in search of the “Beast of Bardia.” Fantastic reading, and a case of the past intruding upon the present. I want to visit wherever it is these people keep coming from.
The Telegraph’s Charlie Norton wrote this with just the right touch:
The driver, the phanit, directs the elephant we are riding through a thicket with a light thwack of his stick, which sets her galumphing down to a silt beach by a shallow channel of the Karnali river.
Suddenly our party of six female elephants stop dead in their tracks, and you can sense wild bull elephant testosterone in the air. There he is, 40 yards in front of us, a colossal specimen with a giant twin-domed head and great sparkling tusks. We have surely found the Beast of Bardia.
In other well-written news, the below arrived today courtesy of a colleague. I can’t find an original source–it’s just something some anonymous parodist penned, near as I can tell, sometime around 2007 or 2008.
This makes fun of liberals, and it’s very well done, in spite of exercising every possible cliche. Interestingly enough, it’s been posted widely at conservative and liberal blogs, a sure sign of a successful parody.
Since I can’t find a source, here ’tis in its entirety:
The Manitoba Herald
as Reported by Clive Runnels
August 1, 2010
The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The recent actions of the Tea Party are prompting an exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they’ll soon be required to hunt, pray, and to agree with Bill O’Reilly and Glenn Beck.
Canadian border farmers say it’s not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night.
“I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn,” said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn’t have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?”
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields. “Not real effective,” he said. “The liberals still got through and Rush annoyed the cows so much that they wouldn’t give any milk.”
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons and drive them across the border where they are simply left to fend for themselves.
“A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions,” an Ontario border patrolman said. “I found one carload without a single bottle of imported drinking water.
They did have a nice little Napa Valley Cabernet, though.”
When liberals are caught, they’re sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR races.
In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans in powdered wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the ’50s. “If they can’t identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age,” an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and are renting all the Michael Moore movies. “I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can’t support them,” an Ottawa resident said. “How many art-history majors does one country need?”
In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice President Biden met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals. A source close to President Obama said, “We’re going to have some Paul McCartney and Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might even put some endangered species on postage stamps. The President is determined to reach out,” he said.
