Though I am a let-it-all-hang-out, sex-revolution-encouraging sex columnist, I do understand that not everyone has the privilege of leaving their dildos in the dishwasher, their restraints attached to their bedposts and their favorite vibe in their purse “just in case.” Our culture is not one that appreciates such brazen displays of sexuality, and even if it did, such careless toy storage just begs for an awkward conversation with snooping parents and/or curious kids.
Call it shy or call it considerate, sometimes you’ve just got to be discreet. And though trying to camouflage obvious items like dildos, sex swings and butt plugs is like trying to hide an elephant behind a sapling, with a few choice products and believable excuses you can have your dirty secrets and keep them, too.
“I’m just going to touch up my lipstick real quick.” Discreet Vibrator certainly loves your lips…just not those. This compact vibe disguised as a tube of lipstick easily blends into the contents of your purse but brings color to your face in a whole other way when you twist the lipstick tube up to start its soft purring vibration (goodvibes.com).
Green thumbs will love the Mia vibe, another deceptive lipstick-esque toy that packs various vibration speeds and pulsations in a tiny tube that recharges in the USB port of your computer (en.lelo.com). The au-naturel lip balm types will get away with a small pot of Please Pleasure Cream, which looks like (but definitely isn’t) your favorite lip moisturizer. Even a touch of this citrusy balm gets your nipples or clit tingling away. Just don’t get any smart ideas and use it internally as a lubricant—it’ll burn like hell and isn’t latex-safe (goodvibes.com).
“Personal hygiene is just really important to me, ok?” Get dirty while cleaning up with the Sexy Shower Sponge, a regular bath sponge hiding a waterproof mini-bullet vibe in a secret pouch that’s sure to scrub you silly (goodvibes.com). Rub-a-dub-dub with I Rub My Duckie vibes, naughty twists on the classic bath toys that are sure to make some waves with strong vibration and cute variations like feather boa-clad Paris Duckie, debaucherous Pirate Duckie and kinky Bondage Duckie (edenfantasys.com).
“I’m totally a fashionista. Everyone knows my outfits aren’t complete without the perfect accessories.” Incoqnito (incoqnito.com) brings ultimate sleekness to sex-toy discretion with an entire line of sexcessories that allow you to wear your heart (or other pulsating organ) right on your sleeve with no one the wiser. Their Droplet Necklace’s weighty pendants turn into adjustable, vibrating nipple clamps (which vibrate just as well in other places, too). The Smoke Ring’s dark quartz beads strung together by non-porous elastic go from innocent bracelet to adjustable cock ring; their swanky restraining cuffs disguise themselves easily as unisex wrist-wear. Their new Lash Belt uses a unique magnetized handle design to transform a feminine belt into a dominating whip (babeland.com).
And, of course, no secret would be safe without a good place to keep it. Though a cardboard box under the bed works just fine for me, classier broads may appreciate the ToiBocks, an attractive wooden “jewelry box” that uses a sneaky magnetized lock to allow only those in the know to remove the top shelf of jewelry compartments to reveal the spacious hiding cubby below (toibocks.com). For those prone to meeting dark, brooding strangers in take-me-now situations, go for the Just In Case condom case, a believable mirrored compact whose secret compartment opens to reveal a safer-sex stash of condoms, lube samples or even a small vibrating cock ring (justincaseinc.com).
Finally, if you’re trying to hide your sex-toy-loving alter ego in a Clark Kent kind of way, take solace in modern online shopping possibilities. Shop from the comfort of your own home with Babeland.com and GoodVibes.com, which both have tight-lipped privacy policies and ship all your purchases to your door in generic, logo-less packaging with vague return addresses.
So go ahead, touch up your make-up (again), take a loooong shower, or show off your new favorite “bracelet.” I won’t tell—it’ll be our little secret.
