America, we’re told, is “great.” That extraordinary piece of vagueness seems mostly to serve as a palliative. Still, from time to time, I think it’s possible to get glimpses of what people may mean by that.
Today’s entrant, especially in light of the last posting, illustrates one of the kinds of “greatness” we possess in large measure: utter insanity of a religion-based variety. The British have their eccentrics, the Scandinavians their quiet depths. But we have trumpet-blaring madmen and madwomen sans equal, given air time and the acceptance of large numbers of their fellow citizens.
Many of them have seen coverage here because, as a product of the Baptist world, I am especially sensitive to things that bubble up from the evangelical fringe. Today’s contestant is Cindy Jacobs, who’s sort of a cross between fundagelical and Suze Orman. Her leaps of logic are reminiscent of nothing if not the witch-burning scene in The Holy Grail:
BEDEMIR: Tell me, what do you do with witches?
VILLAGER #2: Burn!
CROWD: Burn, burn them up!
BEDEMIR: And what do you burn apart from witches?
VILLAGER #1: More witches!
VILLAGER #2: Wood!
BEDEMIR: So, why do witches burn?
[pause]
VILLAGER #3: B–… ’cause they’re made of wood…?
BEDEMIR: Good!
CROWD: Oh yeah, yeah…
BEDEMIR: So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood?
VILLAGER #1: Build a bridge out of her.
BEDEMIR: Aah, but can you not also build bridges out of stone?
VILLAGER #2: Oh, yeah.
BEDEMIR: Does wood sink in water?
VILLAGER #1: No, no.
VILLAGER #2: It floats! It floats!
VILLAGER #1: Throw her into the pond!
CROWD: The pond!
BEDEMIR: What also floats in water?
VILLAGER #1: Bread!
VILLAGER #2: Apples!
VILLAGER #3: Very small rocks!
VILLAGER #1: Cider!
VILLAGER #2: Great gravy!
VILLAGER #1: Cherries!
VILLAGER #2: Mud!
VILLAGER #3: Churches — churches!
VILLAGER #2: Lead — lead!
ARTHUR: A duck.
CROWD: Oooh.
BEDEMIR: Exactly! So, logically…,
VILLAGER #1: If… she.. weighs the same as a duck, she’s made of wood.
BEDEMIR: And therefore–?
VILLAGER #1: A witch!
Compare the progression in this passage connecting dead birds in Arkansas with, of course, the repeal of “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell”:
Well, there’s something interesting we have been watching–let’s talk about this Arkansas pattern and say, could it be a pattern? We’re going to watch and see. But the blackbirds fell to the ground in Beebe, Arkansas, well the Governor of Arkansas’ name is Beebe. And also, there was something put out of Arkansas called Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell by a former Governor, this was proposed, Bill Clinton. As so, could there be a connection between this passage [Hosea 4] and now that we’ve had the repeal of the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell where people now legally in the United States have broken restraints with the Scripture because the Scripture says in Romans 1 that homosexuality is not allowed.
A lot of folks are getting all het up about this, but I think that’s exactly the wrong way to approach it. Instead, we should count on the insanity to be self-evident, forego all the hand-wringing, and celebrate the achievements of such prominently mad Americans.
Who else can throw down against that kind of crazy? No one comes to mind except maybe North Korea. It’s certainly a small pool of nutters worldwide who can even hope to contend with this kind of greatness.
Watch her go, complete with faux-reasonable delivery!
ADDITIONAL: Usually our trollish friends gambole unfettered, but a word is in order here for clarity’s sake in light of the probably intentional misreading below.
It is clearly stated in the above prose, but to restate: the “evangelical fringe” is what’s criticized, not Baptists. Cindy Jacobs speaks in tongues–Baptists don’t do that. Pentecostals do. The fundamentalist mindset is not the sole province of Baptists, Catholics, or even Christianity.
Please keep comments in line with what is actually stated.
